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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel uncomfortable at the amount he has spent

318 replies

JonnaMam · 25/11/2023 03:30

I started seeing a man in February, we both have children they are 18 (he has twins b/g and I have a son). We took things really slow, we are both widows/widowers (met through a support group), didn't want to impose on them. In September they all left for uni, we did a lunch with them all before.
My son has been home a couple of times and spent time with my partner and I.
We spoke to all the kids and agreed we will spent Christmas together, he has a guest room which will be my sons room for the week.
I have picked up a couple of bits for my son, but I don't go all out anymore.

Well my partner has bought all the kids a whole new suite of technology from apple. He wanted to do it before they went to uni, but was waiting for his bonus.
He has bought them each a MacBook Pro, Ipad Pro, Iphone 15 Pro, Apple Watch, Airpods and Airpods Pro (why on earth both I don't know). He's spent little less than £20,000 and said we can still get them a few more bits.

I don't earn nearly as much as he does, to me £20,000 is a deposit on a house (my house is barely worth more than £120,000 these days), It makes me very uncomfortable.
AIBU to say he should return what is for my son? It isn't my business what he gets his kids, but he barely knows my son and it is so much money!!

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 25/11/2023 08:30

@MidnightOnceMore sounds like "the bitterest man in the living room"!!

N4ish · 25/11/2023 08:34

It would make me very uncomfortable. Feels over the top and like love bombing.

CurlewKate · 25/11/2023 08:34

It does seem to me that money sometimes makes people lose their power of rational thought. I can't for the LIFE of me understand how this wouldn't be at least a little difficult. Particularly for the OP's son!

MidnightOnceMore · 25/11/2023 08:36

@Mikimoto Are you directing a personal attack at me? Please don't do that.

Thatswhy11 · 25/11/2023 08:38

I would feel uncomfortable too OP. Its a lot of money!! What sort of salary does he earn? The man hardly knows you for a start..... 20k? This is an obscene amount of money even in MN land.

SuspiciousSue · 25/11/2023 08:40

I voted YABU only because this happened to me years before I met DH. I’d only been seeing a guy for about 3 weeks before Christmas and had been on about 4 dates. Anyway, he said he had ‘a present’ for me which I thought was sweet. I assumed it would me a £5 box of chocolates or something. He arrived with a 32’’ telly (massive at the time) plus about 30 other gifts. It was so overwhelming and felt as though he was trying to buy me. It felt a bit like love bombing tbh.

Anyway, he refused to take it back, even when I said it was too much. We had one further date and that was it. Go with your gut OP.

Mumof3confused · 25/11/2023 08:40

Talk to him? Say how you feel. How he reacts is going to tell you everything about his motivation for this.

If he has £20k lying around spare and is just really happy to have you and your DC in his life and this is his way of showing it, let him have this joy. But warn your son that his gift is extremely generous if you think he will feel awkward.

I would also be interested to see his children’s reactions - whether this is their ‘normal’ or also excessive to them. They could get a car for that money.

Lovedthosechips · 25/11/2023 08:43

OP if this is the only thing that worries you and I am sure after both of your losses and the time you have spent then you have confidence in your choices or you wouldn’t be blending the families. Grief is something that can make some people live much more in the moment and to me this feels like excitement and someone whose love language is gifting. It is only money - if he has a bit more it can mean less and there is space in life for a grand gesture, for something a bit ott and not entirely sensible.

ButterflyOil · 25/11/2023 08:46

Wow that is a lot of money but I assume he can afford it?! If this is what he wants to get for his children and has the cash then the extra lot to get the same for yours maybe doesn’t make much of a difference to him?

I see why you are uncomfortable though, I often am if there is a big disparity in the cost of gifts I exchange - but if he’s a great guy he should be ok with talking it through with you and be happy that you obviously can’t reciprocate gifts of the same cost. Talk to him about it because seems like his reasoning would be it’s a bit shit to gift thousands of pounds of Apple products for his kids and get yours something much smaller so seems like it’s well intentioned?

Lovedthosechips · 25/11/2023 08:46

Sorry was trying to suggest that even though you have both had grief which is shared your responses (and finances after) can be different in a way that surprises you. I think I sounded like I was patronising you but didn’t mean to.

RoseBucket · 25/11/2023 08:47

Dancingonaslice · 25/11/2023 08:18

I think all the replies saying go for it and be pleased are insane.

This is OTT even for his own kids. No teen needs all of those expensive products in one go. Totally excessive and a really odd message to give kids. Let alone yours who he barely knows.

But then I wouldn’t have a week with a new partner and his teens over Xmas when it’s been less than a year together. How unsettling for your own bereaved child.

Go slow OP. See this as a flag. No one should make you uncomfortable in any sense- financial included.

Yes this!

BlackFridayDiscoCunt · 25/11/2023 08:50

I'm a bit surprised that so many people would have their heads turned by extravagant gifts.

If the OP accepts this on behalf of her son (and he will presumably be buying her something equally extravagant), it marks a shift in their relationship which she and her son might not actually be ready for yet.

Once you start accepting this kind of thing, it's much more difficult to leave the relationship. Not impossible, obviously, as nobody owes anyone a relationship - but by accepting it (and by staying with her boyfriend and his children for the week), the OP is tacitly agreeing to take their relationship a step further.

What if, having spent a week in the company of this man and his children, the OP realises that he's not actually the man for her, and that he and his children are really annoying? She doesn't know him that well yet, and barely knows his children. The children barely know one another. All the children have been bereaved, so aren't necessarily going to behave in 'normal' ways, either.

Yet by accepting hugely expensive gifts, the OP would put herself in a position where she would feel obliged in some way. No relationship should involve obligation.

LemonCurd1 · 25/11/2023 08:51

Your ds is going to be thrilled, and that’s priceless. I love how he’s included your son. His bonus could be huge, so £20k could be small change. Enjoy it!!!

ClairDeLaLune · 25/11/2023 08:53

Lwrenagain · 25/11/2023 05:33

Then you make up the kids Stockings and Xmas eve boxes OP, they can be done very cheaply and you make them special.
(I've got loads of ideas if you need any help) but don't worry about what he's paid for DS, sounds like he can afford it.
If he was struggling to heat his home etc I'd say no but your DS has been through so much losing his DF, let this man do this for him, he may really want this to be a memorable and exciting Christmas "first" for you all.

Now, as someone who loves giving and making things for people, I know if I could afford to do this it wouldn't occur to me to not, but also, having been in receipt of lavish gifting, I'd say be aware that sometimes it's a red flag.
In this case though it doesn't sound it at all.

He didn't get in debt doing this or doesn't expect anything from you?
Then maybe, just maybe, he's a good man and this is going to be a really lovely first Christmas.

Love to both of your families, I hope this relationship goes from strength to strength and you're all happy ❤

I've got loads of ideas if you need any help I need help please @Lwrenagain! I have a 21 year old DS and have no ideas on what to get him!

OP I know what you mean, I would feel uncomfortable too. Make it clear you can nowhere near match it. Sweet that he included your son though. Sounds like he’s looking for a future together - do you feel the same way?

Andthereyougo · 25/11/2023 08:55

Can understand you feeling uncomfortable at the cost but it’s his money and he’s happy to include your son so I wouldn’t make a fuss. I think doing that might create problems for the future. A pp suggested a Xmas Eve box for the dc and I think that’s a brilliant idea, not expensive but special.
As long as DP knows you’re not spending 20 grand on gifts it’s ok!

ClairDeLaLune · 25/11/2023 08:55

Not RTFT so someone might have mentioned this, but just thought that this might be how he deals with grief. Losing his partner might have made him realise that life is short and there’s things more important than stashing money away so he wants to share it now and let people enjoy it.

Frasers · 25/11/2023 08:57

I think it’s wonderful he’s included your son. It’s his call if he accepts or not. Not yours. If I was your son I’d grab it and thank god. 😂

DisquietintheRanks · 25/11/2023 08:57

He's showing you that he's very serious about you. So I can see why that might make you uneasy. And yes, it's ott.

Buffypaws · 25/11/2023 08:58

Well I’d marry him personally

betterangels · 25/11/2023 08:59

MrsWimpy · 25/11/2023 05:54

Thing is, you've agreed to spend Christmas together which is a nice thing to do.

Would you feel comfortable with his kids getting that pile of tech while your son unwraps his pants and a selection box?

Whilst I'm sure your son would be fine with it, it's a nice thing to include him. Money means different things to people. If this is the sort of money he spends on Christmas then let him!

This. It's his money and mostly for his children. YABU.

Yoyoban · 25/11/2023 09:00

Andthereyougo · 25/11/2023 08:55

Can understand you feeling uncomfortable at the cost but it’s his money and he’s happy to include your son so I wouldn’t make a fuss. I think doing that might create problems for the future. A pp suggested a Xmas Eve box for the dc and I think that’s a brilliant idea, not expensive but special.
As long as DP knows you’re not spending 20 grand on gifts it’s ok!

This is how people end up in the unhealthy relationships we hear posted about on here so often. Op should be able to express how she feels to her dp, if she can't or doing so causes problems it's better to find that out now so she can cut her losses sooner rather than later.

sep135 · 25/11/2023 09:00

What sort of salary does he earn? The man hardly knows you for a start..... 20k? This is an obscene amount of money even in MN land.

I know plenty of people who earn eye-watering amounts of money but still wouldn't spend anything like that on kids' presents. Not because they can't afford it but because it becomes obscene and they want their kids to appreciate what things cost.

A tangential aside but the wealthiest people I know tend to give the most modest gifts as excessive gift giving is seen as rather a social faux pas.

Personally I'd do gift giving separately and if your son needs a new laptop accept that. Although you can buy excellent non Apple laptops for £500-£700.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 25/11/2023 09:00

🤷‍♀️
i’d never spend that much on my sons (they wish !)
he sounds like he spends like a Kardashian

But it’s done now and you need to discuss with him not online !

N4ish · 25/11/2023 09:01

Very frightening how many women are obviously swayed by money and gifts. This kind of one sided, over the top gifting creates a real power imbalance in a relationship and power imbalances rarely work out well for women.

SwedishEdith · 25/11/2023 09:01

I feel really uncomfortable just reading that. Yes, obviously it's nice your son is getting the same. That's not the issue. It's the excess. Is this what he's like every Christmas? What does he do, what does he earn? Why not actually talk to you first about this? It feels controlling, somehow because you can't match it and he hasn't consulted you. I certainly wouldn't be thrilled.