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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband left kids alone at home

509 replies

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:32

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Dorisbonson · 25/11/2023 07:01

Ridiculous criticism. You don't know the children or the maturity of them. Many 11 year olds travel across cities to get school in mornings and evenings in the dark and effectively alone. Some of them have the same mental maturity that a much older child may have and also the physical size of a larger child (not that the latter should make a big difference). The reality is that this decision should depend on the children in question.

Abouttimemum · 25/11/2023 07:04

I can’t get my head around people putting alcohol before their kids, and I’d be furious if my husband did this. What if they woke up and panicked? Poor things.

oldfatandreadyforarevamp · 25/11/2023 07:06

I'm easy going as a parent but I wouldn't have done this. On what planet did either of you think this was ok?

lemmein · 25/11/2023 07:12

If either of your children mention this in school you're both fucked!

Channellingsophistication · 25/11/2023 07:14

Really irresponsible parenting - anything could’ve happened. I hope you won’t do it again.

Dontjudgeme101 · 25/11/2023 07:16

Notimeforaname · 25/11/2023 00:35

You're both unreasonable. 8 and 11 is way to young to be leaving alone while you drink or go to parties ffs.

This 100% and going to the shops too in my opinion.

Jennybeans401 · 25/11/2023 07:20

This 1970s parenting. We were left alone either in a car or at home from 7 or 8. It wasn't frowned upon then. These days it's not seen as safe which I agree with. Things have changed. Anything could go wrong and the children are too young to know what to do if that happens.

Pipsquiggle · 25/11/2023 07:23

I have DC the same age.

I do leave DC1 by himself, he gets himself to and from school and is pretty mature. I don't leave him alone late at night

I wouldn't leave DC2 by himself or with DC1.

I do think within the next 18 months we will be able to leave them though

Timeforallthecheese · 25/11/2023 07:25

I doubt the OP will be back. Hopefully having a conversation with her DH about never doing this again while the children are so young.

MeridianB · 25/11/2023 07:28

Notimeforaname · 25/11/2023 00:35

You're both unreasonable. 8 and 11 is way to young to be leaving alone while you drink or go to parties ffs.

First post nails it. Your children deserve better!

Hotchocolatemousse · 25/11/2023 07:29

If I knew you both in real life I'd be reporting this incident to social services. As it's not the first time this has happened, this is not a parenting mistake,. This is a parenting failure which is far more serious with life changing consequences.

Burglars are looking for easy houses to rob near Christmas. A house without adults and sleeping children is a prime easy kidnap & robbery target.

Both of you seem to worship the alter of alcohol & parties rather than safeguard your own kids.

MeridianB · 25/11/2023 07:32

Dorisbonson · 25/11/2023 07:01

Ridiculous criticism. You don't know the children or the maturity of them. Many 11 year olds travel across cities to get school in mornings and evenings in the dark and effectively alone. Some of them have the same mental maturity that a much older child may have and also the physical size of a larger child (not that the latter should make a big difference). The reality is that this decision should depend on the children in question.

But none of this means they would or should have to cope if they woke up in the night and discovered they’d been left alone at home with no way of knowing where their parents were or when/if they’d be back.

That’s before anything happens - sickness, problem with the house. And that’s before they would spend their lives plagued by guilt if anything happened to their sibling while they were looking after each other.

HeadacheEarthquake · 25/11/2023 07:45

Thats how my neighbour lost her children to Social services.. left then both home alone to go out drinking

Autieangel · 25/11/2023 07:51

I'd be furious they are far too young to be left at all. From 11 maybe an hour pop to shop in day. But not in charge of a younger child. And I wouldn't leave them alone at night until eldest was around 14.

Whiteday · 25/11/2023 07:59

So it's ok you got to decide to go out for 2.5 hours together and leave them, but not alright for him to decide to do that alone?

Both situations are wrong, but if you weren't comfortable why were you gone 2.5 hours? Why not go home after an hour?

You seemed extremely comfortable and relaxed to stay put 2.5 hours.

Shameful!

WonderingWanda · 25/11/2023 07:59

I think it's a bit young still to be leaving them at night. Maybe short periods in the day time when they are awake and near a phone.

Whattodo112222 · 25/11/2023 08:03

Unanimously, you are both irresponsible parents and thank God nothing happened on either occasion.

Itsmehi222 · 25/11/2023 08:07

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:47

They we’re 8 and 11 on the occasion we left them for 2.5hrs in the evening, it was a couple of months ago. They watched a film and we checked in with them via call/text every 20 mins, then came home and put them to bed. We did check if they were ok with it or feeling worried about it and they were fine, otherwise we wouldn’t have done it. But I agree, they are do young and I haven’t agreed to it since when husband has suggested similar.

It’s really not ok to leave your 11 year old in charge of your 8 year old for an hour to pop to the shop. I’m sorry but that’s just utter insanity.

No wonder DH thought what he was doing was ok, you do the same?

Itsmehi222 · 25/11/2023 08:09

Autieangel · 25/11/2023 07:51

I'd be furious they are far too young to be left at all. From 11 maybe an hour pop to shop in day. But not in charge of a younger child. And I wouldn't leave them alone at night until eldest was around 14.

11 year olds can be in year 7 and often left home all day alone on an inset day. It’s way to young to be responsible for another child.

Zanatdy · 25/11/2023 08:15

I think you’ve got a cheek to complain when you’ve both done it before. 8 and 11 is too young to be left alone at night.

lilyandrosa · 25/11/2023 08:15

I’m starting to doubt my own parenting from all these responses!
My 11 year old gets the bus home from secondary school and is alone for half hour whilst i pick her brother up (10).
I’ve also left them both alone for 15 mins whilst picking milk up from the corner shop - i genuinely thought this was acceptable.

Passepartoute · 25/11/2023 08:15

The trouble is, you set the precedent by agreeing to leave the children home alone previously. It's hardly surprising your husband thought you would be OK with him leaving them again, and having a massive go at him for something you had done yourself was hardly reasonable.

You need a serious conversation about how you realise that this was too young to leave them and reach agreement about what is a safe age - which I would suggest is not before the oldest is at least 14.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 25/11/2023 08:17

Does he drink too much?

Singleandproud · 25/11/2023 08:20

@lilyandrosa but those things happen during the day.

It's worth knowing when asleep children tend to sleep through the sound of fire alarms, it's not at a frequency that can rouse them.

ShoesoftheWorld · 25/11/2023 08:21

I left my older two for 45 mins or so, during the day, when they were 10 and 8. (Edit: occasionally, not regularly, and the 45 min was the maximum I felt comfortable with). I would not have left them during the evening at this age and I would not have left them asleep. What your dh did was worse, but I think you both need to rethink.