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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband left kids alone at home

509 replies

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:32

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
zeibesaffron · 25/11/2023 08:23

This is way too young - what on earth are you both thinking!

11yo in the day for an hour - but take the 8yo with you!! are you seriously telling me the 11yo can cope with an emergency (thats the criteria the police would use!)

There is no justification for leaving them!

Asparagus1 · 25/11/2023 08:23

Jesus Christ

Isthisexpected · 25/11/2023 08:25

I wish there was a you're both unreasonable parents option.

ShoesoftheWorld · 25/11/2023 08:25

And I should say that while I wouldn't have left the 8yo on his own, I didn't see it as the 10yo being 'responsible for' the 8yo - I think that's a common misconception on here, incl on this thread, when two children relatively close in age are left together, that the elder is 'responsible' for the younger. I saw it as more a safety-in-numbers thing (I had also assessed the likelihood of them messing around and placed it near zero).

Emotionalsupportviper · 25/11/2023 08:31

Canthave2manycats · 25/11/2023 00:37

They are far far too young to be left alone, and you are just as bad as he is if you left them alone to go to a birthday party!!! WTAF is wrong with the both of you???!

What would they do if you had burglars? How would they react if the house went on fire?

You are both utterly irresponsible and if I knew your identity, I would report you to social services!

This!

You are both shocking1

What if there was a fire? What if one had an accident? What if there was a break-in?

I can't believe you would do that.

Petallove · 25/11/2023 08:34

Both to young especially at night! Your husband had decided as you did it once he will carry on. He knew you wouldn’t like it which is why he didn’t tell you. If something happened you would have social services on your case! I would happily leave the 11 year old for small amounts of time during the day and build up but not a 8 year old!

DoodlesMam · 25/11/2023 08:39

if you have children you need to be there with them. My mum got a babysitter or was home. My dad was a feckless alcoholic but even he would not leave us unless he was able to. 8! WTAF! that's far too young. 15 is about right in the day time but not at night.

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 25/11/2023 08:41

You’ve set a precedence. My kids are 12 and 14 and I wouldn’t leave them for long periods after 8pm.

JeezWhatNext · 25/11/2023 08:43

I think 8 and 11 doesn’t sound too young to be left alone but I expect it depends on their level of maturity.

Whiskeypowers · 25/11/2023 08:45

your poor kids.
both of you are appalling and utterly irresponsible.

curaçao · 25/11/2023 08:47

Some ridiculoys responses on here.There is ptetty much no childcare availabke for y7s who are 11.So society obviously thinks they are okay to be keft at home all day in school holidays.I agree nights are a bit different

Lookingfornewdirection · 25/11/2023 08:49

I’m honestly surprised at all the posts saying how irresponsible it is to leave and 8yo and 11yo in the circumstances OP had done earlier.
I used to spend afternoons alone at home from 7 and this was totally normal. Nighttime may be different, but I don’t see a major issue with what OP did when she was at the party 5 mins away.
My own kids are much younger still so difficult to know how I’ll feel when they are 8 and 11.
Anyhow it seems to me people are overreacting calling OP irresponsible and whatnot.

EmpressSoleil · 25/11/2023 08:51

Things have changed over time. In the 70s my very cautious grandma used to let me and my sister stay home while she went to church, or we’d go to a big playground alone (crossing numerous roads on the way) from around me being 8 and my sister being 5! With our parents we were left alone/out alone a lot more than that! In the early 90s with my own DC I’d sometimes go to a neighbours for coffee, they could just shout out the window if they needed me and I’d hear them. They were both primary age. Although I never left them at night. And I certainly would have never left while they were asleep. Nowadays it seems to be more or less a blanket no to leaving any child of that age.

I’m not going to have a go at OP about the party. She knows more of the specifics than us and she clearly does feel bad about that. But to leave DC sleeping with no idea about where their parents are is extremely neglectful. My parents were pretty awful and very lax and even they only left me once in the night and that was because they had to rush my sister to hospital (she nearly died). In hindsight they should have woken me and taken me too but they were in a panic. To just leave the DC and go for a drink. That’s awful.

Thank god your DC are ok OP. This could have had a horrific ending. Honestly he wouldn’t be getting the chance to do that again if it was me.

Peacheroo · 25/11/2023 08:51

Is your last name McCann? You were only 5 mins away for the birthday party... well they were only 5 mins away for tapas.

There's no way this is real. You can't shout at him for leaving them this time when you both did a few months ago... reeks of double standards. It's ok for you to do together but not him?

They're too young to be left at night. I say this as a relaxed parent to a 12 year old that we have never left to go for a fucking drink. Even in the day.

grumpycow1 · 25/11/2023 08:52

Leaving an 8 year old and 11 year old in the evening while you go to a party 5 mins away is child neglect.

if you were ok at the time to do this, it’s no wonder your husband carried it on.

YANBU to be upset with your husband but YABU to have done it yourself.

You say your husband didn’t even tell them he was going, what if one of them was sick and got up, and found the house empty; what if there was a fire, a break in? This thread makes me so sad. Prioritising going out drinking over your kids :(

berksandbeyond · 25/11/2023 08:52

This reply has been deleted

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3luckystars · 25/11/2023 08:54

I’m also stunned that you thought this was ok. Is your husband trying to say this is ok? It’s not.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 25/11/2023 08:57

I could not forgive this. Considering all the what ifs, you are very lucky that your children remained safe and unaware of the danger they were in or how terrible a father your DH is

FrustratedCustom · 25/11/2023 08:58

I blame the husband.

both parents made a stupid decision first time leaving the kids for the birthday party. It sounds like OP has learnt from that and wanted the husband to be there last night.

She went out this time knowing he would be at home with the kids. He then let her down and did something extremely dangerous by sneaking out without telling the children. I’m really quite shocked by his actions.

Flossflower · 25/11/2023 09:00

At 11 I was left in the evening to look after my 2 younger siblings. This is not OK. It is one of the reasons I don’t spend much time with my elderly mother.

FrustratedCustom · 25/11/2023 09:02

Peacheroo · 25/11/2023 08:51

Is your last name McCann? You were only 5 mins away for the birthday party... well they were only 5 mins away for tapas.

There's no way this is real. You can't shout at him for leaving them this time when you both did a few months ago... reeks of double standards. It's ok for you to do together but not him?

They're too young to be left at night. I say this as a relaxed parent to a 12 year old that we have never left to go for a fucking drink. Even in the day.

‘There's no way this is real. You can't shout at him for leaving them this time when you both did a few months ago... reeks of double standards. It's ok for you to do together but not him?’

I feel like I am reading a different thread to you and others. Both parents made a shitty decision first time. But OP learnt from it and not the husband. Last night’s issues are on the man, not the OP. She can shout because he repeated the dangerous decision.

lilyandrosa · 25/11/2023 09:02

@Singleandproud That is very true, i’d never leave them at night, it must be frightening if they wake up alone in the dark.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 25/11/2023 09:02

you can't call him out, becaes you are complicit. leaving an 8 and 11 year old is a safeguarding issue for good reason. Talk it through again with him and make a commitment to the safety of your children above your own desires.

MrsMarzetti · 25/11/2023 09:06

I was babysitting at 11. The children are fine but your DH needs a kick in the backside for acting like a brat, he knew you were going out a week ago but by asking what time you were coming home at yesterday was his way of trying to get you home early and because you didn't come home to let him go out he has left them anyway because he is scared of missing out. Stop leaving the children.

Mycatmax · 25/11/2023 09:07

I would go fucking mental.

Obviously you have lost the moral high ground by leaving them yourself…