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Original poster

Husband left kids alone at home

509 replies

OhDamnYourEyes · 25/11/2023 00:32

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GinnyBee · 27/11/2023 20:51

DonnaBanana · 27/11/2023 19:28

Why doesn’t our culture have us train kids to walk to school by 5 then? It’s either more dangerous here or we want to protect our children more but then what does that say about the Swiss?

Show quote history

It is more dangerous but only because our roads are not, on the whole, pedestrian friendly. My nearest primary school is easily a walkable distance away but even I, as an adult, would be terrified to walk there because of traffic. So will have to chauffeur my son a stupid 2 minute distance that he could otherwise walk in 15 if only our roads were safer.

Our terrible traffic design doesn’t affect how safe it is to be at home without a parent, though.

I also grew up in a country where kids take themselves to and from school from when they start primary at 7yo. And as school finishes earlier than typical office hours those kids will then spend a little bit of time home alone before their parents get back. It is a damn shame my kid won’t be able to enjoy the same independence.

eastegg · 27/11/2023 21:00

VioletBeauregardeTheFirst · 27/11/2023 20:29

@eastegg it's not as bad but because it was bad enough I can't imagine how terrifying it would be for the OP's DC to wake with no one there no matter how loud they shouted or how long they searched.

I know. Totally agree.

Allinadayswork80 · 27/11/2023 21:13

I’d be absolutely furious but quite frankly I can’t imagine my DP ever doing this or us ever having a conversation where we think it’s ok to leave 8 & 11yr olds alone at night. Did the kids know he’d gone? Did they have any way of contacting either one of you if worried or scared? Poor kids. What if they had a nightmare, were sick, etc? I can’t believe a parent would think it’s ok to just go out on the piss 15mins away with the other parent out/also drinking. How long was he going to be out if you hadn’t contacted him?

eastegg · 27/11/2023 23:08

JeezWhatNext · 27/11/2023 17:34

@eastegg well I can only “do me” really can’t I?

Are your children very young or do you live in a particularly dangerous area?

What do you think happens if you for example wake up having had a nightmare and don’t run to your parents?

How old my kids are is irrelevant as we’re talking about the situation in the OP, at least that’s what I thought we were talking about.

How dangerous the area is is also pretty irrelevant, as all the things that have been pointed out to you by a pp as things that could go wrong have nothing to do with being in a dangerous area.

Your last question is odd and it’s difficult to tell what you’re getting at but here goes. If you’re saying that a child can have a nightmare and get through it without running to a parent, sure, that might sometimes happen, but if the child does need a parent, and let’s face it most children having a nightmare do want a parent, and they call and search and can’t find them, then I imagine that could be traumatic.

eastegg · 27/11/2023 23:19

Not to mention the fact that if the child raises the alarm in some way e.g. contacting a neighbour, then you could well be knackered legally speaking. And when I say ‘you’ I mean a parent in the situation OP’s DH is in. And if they have an accident and hurt themselves then you’d definitely be knackered legally speaking.

JeezWhatNext · 27/11/2023 23:38

I wondered if you had any direct experience of parenting late primary/early secondary children @eastegg and if it was present day or years ago. I think nowadays people are more risk averse and that’s both good and bad. You do seem particularly confrontational about it. It’s ok for people to raise their children differently to you, we need lots of different kinds of people in the world.

eastegg · 28/11/2023 00:00

JeezWhatNext · 27/11/2023 23:38

I wondered if you had any direct experience of parenting late primary/early secondary children @eastegg and if it was present day or years ago. I think nowadays people are more risk averse and that’s both good and bad. You do seem particularly confrontational about it. It’s ok for people to raise their children differently to you, we need lots of different kinds of people in the world.

What’s not ok is leaving an 8 and 11 year old during the night on their own as the OP’s DH has done.

If saying that, and taking issue with someone making the sort of points in defence of it that you’ve made, makes me confrontational, then so be it.

JeezWhatNext · 28/11/2023 00:09

It’s a pity because just shouting and shaming isn’t really exploring the situation at all.

Pinkyandthebrain96 · 28/11/2023 00:20

You both sound way too selfish to be parents ,your children should be your priority , if you cannot go to a party then that is how it is if you cannot get a babysitter .He sounds like utterly selfish dad and you went out sounding like you rather half expected him to go out .Poor kids .

dontgochangingagain · 28/11/2023 03:53

I wouldn't leave my 8 year old during the day either.

They aren't old enough to know what to do if something goes wrong.

And an 11 year old can't be responsible for an 8 year old.

eastegg · 28/11/2023 10:05

JeezWhatNext · 28/11/2023 00:09

It’s a pity because just shouting and shaming isn’t really exploring the situation at all.

Was that aimed at me? I haven’t shouted and shamed at all, just disagreed with you.

I’ve tried to explore some of the claims you’ve made, ie that things like a child waking in the night feeling ill is very unlikely to happen, but you’ve dodged the questions. When I explored why you think a child vomiting on their own and looking for an adult they thought was there would be ‘manageable’, you changed the subject by asking how old my children are and whether I live in a dangerous area 🤷‍♂️. If anyone’s prevented ‘exploration of the situation’, it’s you.

Amybelle88 · 28/11/2023 10:06

@eastegg don't explain yourself. I think you're right.

Scrap the exploration of what if they wake up and don't feel well etc. - it's as simple as this- what if they wake up and you're not there?! That, in my eyes, is enough. My children would be terrified to find us not in the house.

eastegg · 28/11/2023 10:14

Amybelle88 · 28/11/2023 10:06

@eastegg don't explain yourself. I think you're right.

Scrap the exploration of what if they wake up and don't feel well etc. - it's as simple as this- what if they wake up and you're not there?! That, in my eyes, is enough. My children would be terrified to find us not in the house.

Yes, you’re right. And the majority on the thread seem to agree as well.

JeezWhatNext · 28/11/2023 11:09

Ah apologies, I didn’t mean to ignore your questions. @eastegg but I’m not sure how to answer given in any two hour window it IS quite unlikely that a child in late primary would suddenly projectile vomit, spring up to use kitchen equipment they aren’t allowed to use, or be so scared by a nightmare they need their parents, in my experience/opinion?

What is it you are looking for?

Everyone assessed risk based on their own experience, so if you have actually have/had children in this age group or if you live in a particularly dangerous area then I would imagine that would impact your guess as to how likely things are to happen.

Quartz2208 · 28/11/2023 16:26

Whatever culture doesn’t matter though as it is all designed to give the child independence and do th8ngs for themselves, build themselves up for high school and beyond. Every decision I have made for DD (14) is around that and preparing them.

how many of us as adults would like it if we woke up and someone had disappeared without telling us? Because that is what happened here. Completely different to popping out for milk or walking to school

JeezWhatNext · 28/11/2023 17:51

I agree with you @Quartz2208 it is different, which is why I find it curious that inflated risk is the reason being lead with. I don’t think the children are likely to come to any harm but I also don’t think it’s a particularly nice or respectful way to behave towards them.

eastegg · 28/11/2023 19:42

I think many people on this thread would say that waking up terrified and not knowing where the person is who was supposed to be there, is harm. I think it is.

Bandofbrothers · 28/11/2023 20:55

It is harm, I was that child 49 years ago and the terror has never been forgotten. It messed me up for years and made me lose all trust in my parents.

pookie999 · 03/12/2023 16:14

As a foster carer I cannot leave my children on their own in the evening until they turn 18. Most of their peer group would be left alone at 15 or

Crafthead · 04/12/2023 06:45

Kate & Jerry the second. Stop it before something terrible happens.

SallyFontenotRamsey · 04/12/2023 06:52

your a much calmer woman than me, cause from the south , I would have already used him for alligator 🐊 🪤. Anything could have happened to those kids, I m sure you thinking 🤔 about all of that. And besides legal age to stay home or baby sit is 12 years old. You talk about in the dog house!

Chlo6 · 04/12/2023 06:54

Jeez, everyone on this thread either has a short memory or are really young. I don't see anything wrong with the 11yo starting to spend short periods home alone if not destressed by it, 8yo a bit young imo but I had a house key and came home after school myself in primary 6 which was totally normal aand I'm only 33 now, somehow i survived 🙄 I mean no one blinks an eye about letting young children play outside out with where their parents can see them but being alone in their warm safe home is what's unsafe, yeah okay. Though OP very stupid to leave them at night hardly the time to practice if they can be left home or not.

Jeezylouisey · 04/12/2023 07:32

There are a few red flags for me in this situation.
Firstly that he straight out lied when you specifically asked about this exact possibility.
Secondly that he chose to go out drinking in the first place, when in charge of minors.
He has neglected his responsibility as a parent and endangered his children.
Even if his friend's house was next door, it's still not sensible to drink while you are the sole responsible parent in the house at that time.
You shouldn't have to be the only grown up in this situation.

If something had happened while he was away, he could be charged with neglect and child endangerment.

Jomasell · 04/12/2023 07:44

Remember another child left alone about 30 seconds from parents? I know it was different in a lot of ways but its still young children npt supervised amd in this case given too much responsibility. Theres no legal age to leave kids but 8 and 11 would get you into some shit by some LA's

Joanneg211 · 04/12/2023 07:52

Thought I would comment on this as I feel you are getting a bit of a battering here, and people don't know a single thing about you... So let's look at this rationally, there is no legal age limit for babysitting , it's at the discression of the parents, you know your children and how mature they are. So let people report you to social services, they won't do anything as you haven't actually done anything wrong in the eyes of the law. My eldest was more like a 30yr old woman by the time she was about 8, but my youngest totally different. Let's also think about at 10yrs old you are trusted to walk to school and back on your own....so all of these people here battering you have never let their child walk to school!!! Well that's either BS or exceptionally sad... Then People who go to work, there 10yr old will then be in the house on there own , at 11yrs old your in the first year of high school ... So let's leave that their . People are 100% missing the point here , you hadn't agreed to it, so I think a stern word to your OH is what's required here, no harm came to the children so discuss it, come up with a plan for next time and move on. Don't give yourself a hard time it's happened, they were safe. Life is tough enough as it is. Xx