Husband left kids alone at home

[OhDamnYourEyes]

I just came back home after a night out with friends, which was arranged a week ago. Husband was going to be home with the kids (8 & 11), put them to bed etc.

Yesterday he asked what time I was likely to be back, as a friend had asked him to go out for a drink. I said that I wasn’t sure, but not until fairly late. As a joke I said ‘you won’t just go out and leave them, will you’ and he laughted and said ‘of course not’.

Fast forward to tonight, I come home at 23:45, kids asleep, he’s not here. When I call him, he’s at his friends house (ca. 15 mins away) for a drink.

We had recently discussed starting to leave them home alone for short periods every now and then, and once went out together to a birthday nearby from 8-10.30pm (we couldn’t get a babysitter and gave them a phone to call us if they needed to). I did however say that I feel they are actually a bit to young for this, and that while I think it’s ok to go to the shops for an hour in the daytime and leave them, I don’t feel comfortable doing so at night.

I had a massive go at him over the phone, told him that he’s irresponsible and that I don’t want to see him. What would you do?

@DonnaBanana

I appreciate it's something you're anxious about but it would be doing your kids a disservice not to ever leave them alone until they're adults.

It means they won't actually be prepared for adulthood and won't have enjoyed some independence in a safe, supported environment before they potentially move out / go to uni.

It's so crucial that during teen years children are allowed to start to explore the world in a safe and supported (age appropriate) way in order to give them the tools and confidence they need to start their adulthood.

FAR FAR too young to be left alone . So many things could go badly wrong . Unfortunately you had set the precedent by leaving them to go to a birthday party , he compounded this by leaving them without telling you . He’s obviously in the wrong , but , sorry to say , so are you for the first error of judgement. If anything happened ( say , a fire ) , would they even know what hat to do ? Please re think leaving them alone at all until much older .

If anything happened ( say , a fire ) , would they even know what hat to do ?

I'm from abroad so this discussion has been fascinating from my perspective and what is considered acceptable where I live. Serious question, are the majority of 8-10 year olds in the UK not taught what to do in emergency situations? Of course I understand they might panic and forget, but don't most parents at least try? Or is it assumed they are never alone until they are adults so no point?

This cannot be real?

As above far too young

This!

What an oddly aggressive post. I appreciate that you don’t think your children could cope in this situation but I think most could. Perhaps we just have different children and different expectations and experiences? I wouldn’t expect either child to vomit all over the place because that doesn’t happen that often. None of my children would get up and cook something in the middle of the night.

Absolutely too young to be left in at night for any length of time regardless of phoning and check-ins (if true you were doing all this remote childcare what was point of going to party for 2.5hrs anyway?) Both totally unreasonable. You certainly can’t comment on partner sodding off when you have previously done it jointly. A brief nip to shop in daylight? Fine, if reasonable responsible kids (better yet send them to the corner shop for you). Leaving them at night is just wrong and could be considered neglect if anything untoward happened.

Yes, I think we do have different expectations and experiences. Different judgments as well.

I’m fairly confident that most people, if they discovered that a child they knew had woken in the night feeling ill and couldn’t find their parent whom they were expecting to be there, would be very concerned indeed, and very possibly call social services.

But you do you.

Out of interest what is acceptable in your country? I am living in another country and feel like what I think is acceptable (grew up in uk) is not the same as people here.

@eastegg well I can only “do me” really can’t I?

Are your children very young or do you live in a particularly dangerous area?

What do you think happens if you for example wake up having had a nightmare and don’t run to your parents?

I am living in another country and feel like what I think is acceptable (grew up in uk) is not the same as people here.

Certainly very different. I'm in Switzerland - now of course this also depends and I am by no means speaking for all parents. But generally, you would be judged if you said your 11yo is not capable of being home alone for a few hours. This would be seen as you are not giving your child age-appropriate independence and you have not done your job as a parent to prepare them for life. All that is a massive thing, how to start small, what children need to know. You can't just do nothingm never leave them for a minute and then one random day decide that now you're old enough, I'm out!

It's expected that children walk to school by themselves from 4-5 years old (depending on how long and complex the route is). You are expected to work on preparing your children for that from about 2 years old - how to cross, what to do if something happens etc.
Schools send out letters to parents reminding them how important walking to school by themselves is, and you get told off for being an 'elterntaxi' : https://www.tcs.ch/de/testberichte-ratgeber/ratgeber/verkehrserziehung/elterntaxis.php

Now, when you are used to your 5yo managing street traffic several times per day (kids often go home for lunch), possibly public transport - it does not sound so unbelieveable that an 8 or 10 yo could be home alone for a short period of time. Many of my friends have kids that age and as far as I know, we are all comfortable leaving them home alone. (But not late at night and I certainly haven't heard that any of us would sneak out when kids are asleep.)

I thought my children all sorts of safety things , but when they were children ( now teenagers ) they are not equipped nor should they be required to behave like adults .
That is our responsibility. as parents : to teach , love and protect them until they are adults . So yes , they should know what to do in case of an emergency, but hopefully an adult will always be present to help .
in any case , it it the law : under the age of 12 children are not allowed to be left alone late in the evening .

@HeavyHeidi That does sound very nice but Switzerland is very different to the UK. It is a dangerous society with dangerous people all over the place

Does any country advocate developing their independence by going out at night without telling them first?

What on Earth makes you think that? Parts of the uk have high crime rates but by no means everywhere. People are worried about nightmares not burglars, I think?

In this situation, he was being unreasonable. He shouldn't have left them.

But you can't really say anything about it without being a hypocrite. He probably thought you'd be fine with it cuusss you are when it suits you 🤷🏼‍♀️😬

Why doesn’t our culture have us train kids to walk to school by 5 then? It’s either more dangerous here or we want to protect our children more but then what does that say about the Swiss?

I was poorly whilst in a static caravan on holiday. I couldn't find my parents anywhere and they were only outside the (closed but not locked) front door having drinks with neighbouring caravans. I was about 8 and still remember the terror and disorientation of not being able to find them because understandably they hadn't thought to tell me they were 'going out' because they (in their eyes) weren't. I would never do the same to my DC.

in any case , it it the law : under the age of 12 children are not allowed to be left alone late in the evening .

No it is not.

Children used to walk to school by themselves, certainly my parents did. Here children walk home from year 5 (so 9/10).

Well indeed. But JeezWhatNext thinks that a child waking in the night like that and wondering where their parents are is a) very unlikely to happen and b) in any event ‘manageable’ by the child. I suppose in your scenario it’s not quite so bad as your parents were so close and could presumably hear you shout/see you come looking, but in the OP scenario that’s not the case.

@eastegg it's not as bad but because it was bad enough I can't imagine how terrifying it would be for the OP's DC to wake with no one there no matter how loud they shouted or how long they searched.

@VioletBeauregardeTheFirst honestly? They’d text or ring. That’s if they hadn’t tracked you first.

Who would? My 2 DC don't have phones. Nor do I have a tracking device on my phone.