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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Partner not come home freaking out and angry

821 replies

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 00:05

My partner went for Christmas party with work last night, he was going to drive but called me about 7 saying he was getting a cab home at 10. He tried calling me twice about 9.30 but I was in the shower so missed the calls.

Been calling him back ever since and he's not answering at all- rings through to voicemail. This is VERY unlike him as he always keeps in touch and calls me back etc

I know it's only been a couple of hours but I'm going out of my mind with worry now. Sad I'm so angry but upset as well, I would never do this.

OP posts:
itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 25/11/2023 11:05

I'd be packing his things up for him and telling him to get to fuck.

Drunk driving and totalling another person's car was bad enough ... he could have killed someone ... he had to know how he was getting home before he went out to drink. no excuse.

rainbowunicorn · 25/11/2023 11:07

KitKat1985 · 25/11/2023 10:20

Oh God I'd be furious about the drink driving. Has he ever done anything like this before?

I'm surprised though 101 weren't able to tell you when you called them earlier.

They can't just give out information to someone that phones up, they could be anyone and it would be a serious breach of the persons rights.

JFDIYOLO · 25/11/2023 11:08

I'm so sorry he's put you through this - knowing you suffer from anxiety largely fuelled by just this sort of behaviour from an ex.

Stupid, thoughtless, careless and selfish behaviour from the start.

And a criminal decision that could have cost lives.

The police should have had a record of his arrest and detention and you should have been informed, unless he refused a phone call which would at least have told you what had happened.

You must be doubly exhausted from no sleep and the distress.

I hope you're with your Mum, able to rest and hopefully have a nice family day out.

You'll decide what to do, but I'd suggest…

Don't do what he did. No silent treatment or ghosting him.

Send a text soon setting out exactly how you feel - disrespected, exhausted, offended, hurt, angry - because of the way he chose to behave, how it made you feel and how he could have killed someone last night.

Calm, clear, civilised language - however in turmoil you must feel, triggering his defensive fight or flight reaction won't help.

Tell him you'll be having an adult conversation when he's slept off the hangover and when you return.

And set the example by being home when you say you will.

Difficult though it will be, the face to face conversation will also need to be calm and civilised for the same reason.

Set those boundaries - in future, here's how I expect you to treat me.

You're worth more than this.

MrsCocoaJones1 · 25/11/2023 11:08

Ok but is it necessary to go through the charade of filing a missing persons report? Rather than just being a bit vague “wait a wee bit longer” sort of thing?

SophieStew · 25/11/2023 11:09

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 10:58

We do but the last thing the OP should be doing is waiting in for him imo

Oh I agree.

I would have messaged him and told him not to bother coming home because it would be locked and empty. I guess OP might have left it unlocked for him, but I wouldn’t be so accommodating.

A few bin bags of his belongings would be dropped at his brothers house/wherever with the rest to follow.

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 11:09

bluegreygreen · 25/11/2023 11:01

@BMW6 @VisionsOfSplendour only if you've paid for the premium version of MN

Nope, freely available to all

Mycatmax · 25/11/2023 11:12

JFDIYOLO · 25/11/2023 11:08

I'm so sorry he's put you through this - knowing you suffer from anxiety largely fuelled by just this sort of behaviour from an ex.

Stupid, thoughtless, careless and selfish behaviour from the start.

And a criminal decision that could have cost lives.

The police should have had a record of his arrest and detention and you should have been informed, unless he refused a phone call which would at least have told you what had happened.

You must be doubly exhausted from no sleep and the distress.

I hope you're with your Mum, able to rest and hopefully have a nice family day out.

You'll decide what to do, but I'd suggest…

Don't do what he did. No silent treatment or ghosting him.

Send a text soon setting out exactly how you feel - disrespected, exhausted, offended, hurt, angry - because of the way he chose to behave, how it made you feel and how he could have killed someone last night.

Calm, clear, civilised language - however in turmoil you must feel, triggering his defensive fight or flight reaction won't help.

Tell him you'll be having an adult conversation when he's slept off the hangover and when you return.

And set the example by being home when you say you will.

Difficult though it will be, the face to face conversation will also need to be calm and civilised for the same reason.

Set those boundaries - in future, here's how I expect you to treat me.

You're worth more than this.

Yeah I don’t think the police can give out that kind of information to anyone who rings up and claims to be someone’s girlfriend.

Wouldn’t it be a massive data protection breach?

notacooldad · 25/11/2023 11:13

toodleloop

Weird that he doesn't have his house key on his car keys misses point.*
what’s weird about that. I don’t have mine together. Never have done. If they were together and I lose them I’ve lost house and car. If I lose one, I don’t have to replace both.
it makes sense not to have them together.

Itham · 25/11/2023 11:14

The key situation is sorted now anyway. He doesn't have any.

Ramalangadingdong · 25/11/2023 11:16

BMW6 · 25/11/2023 10:57

Click on the 3 dots top right, the Edit Post option is last on the drop down list

See what I did there? 😄

Edited

Edit function doesn’t show on my iphone, but thanks.

LakieLady · 25/11/2023 11:23

LardoBurrows · 25/11/2023 10:34

He decided to drive from London to Kent drunk.

God yes, I've just clocked that he was in London, but lives in Kent. The thought of someone that drunk, driving all that way, JFC it is terrifying. Hopefully he was caught and arrested at the beginning of his journey. I hope the written off car was empty.

I'm so sorry Op, this is a lot to deal with and I expect the full ramifications of his actions are only just beginning to become apparent. Look after yourself.

Kent's a big county and it borders London, so "all that way" could be 10 miles from Bermondsey to Bromley or 80 miles to Dover.

But it wouldn't matter if it was a mile round the corner, he was pissed and it's bloody dangerous and (as he will now be realising) there are severe consequences.

FrustratedMumHelp · 25/11/2023 11:24

Id be furious. Sorry to hear this op. I guess him going out last night has changed the course of your life. You have big decisions to make.

caringcarer · 25/11/2023 11:25

I'd have put a key under the weekly bin and text him where it was then gone to bed.

penjil · 25/11/2023 11:25

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 00:30

@JFDIYOLO

Thank you

It is just horrible. Worse because my ex would do this constantly and I would lie awake all night all the time and then get a call he's been arrested etc. so it just really freaks me out and he knows this which is why he usually stays in touch.

I don't know anyone he works with and the event is in London where we live in Kent so it's not just 10 minutes down the road which worries me more Sad

If you live in Kent and he's out in London, that's going to be one expensive taxi ride back!

Even a taxi to the closest parts of Kent (Bexley or Orpington etc.) would be £££££.

He probably thought that himself and decided to chance driving back.

😰

Dustybarn · 25/11/2023 11:25

Is this prince among men being let out today or is he in for a long stay for the weekend? Best he report the accident and his car damage to his insurer ASAP - in my country it must be done within 24 hours (although there might be an exemption for incarceration…).

Sillysoppysentimental · 25/11/2023 11:26

Wonder what you would have done in my day before mobile phones?
I went to bed.. hubby crept in whenever.. got in bed .. end of.

Crunchymum · 25/11/2023 11:27

Glad he got caught, at least he won't be able to get away with his despicable actions.

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 11:27

Ramalangadingdong · 25/11/2023 11:16

Edit function doesn’t show on my iphone, but thanks.

Are you using the app? It's on the mobile site for everyone

BMW6 · 25/11/2023 11:30

bluegreygreen · 25/11/2023 11:01

@BMW6 @VisionsOfSplendour only if you've paid for the premium version of MN

But I haven't paid anything for a version of Mumsnet!

Ramalangadingdong · 25/11/2023 11:30

VisionsOfSplendour · 25/11/2023 11:27

Are you using the app? It's on the mobile site for everyone

i don’t have the app.

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 11:31

Im at my mums now snuggled up with my pugs. I'm drinking a beer, is that bad? I just need to chill out.

Will be staying here so don't need to drive home!!!

OP posts:
MrsCocoaJones1 · 25/11/2023 11:32

Has he been in touch again?

luckylavender · 25/11/2023 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Lovely. Blame the OP. It's one person's fault, the dickhead who was drink driving. Back off.

Jeevesnotwooster · 25/11/2023 11:36

Glad he's not dead in a ditch but I would be furious.

I remember my Mum getting done for drunk driving many years ago ( she was a high functioning alcoholic). It was awful and difficult but I don't think she ever did it again. For me it's not a relationship ender but I'd have to have some tough conversations.

Topseyt123 · 25/11/2023 11:37

annabel586 · 25/11/2023 09:31

He's been arrested for drunk driving.

I'm pleased he's safe but fucking furious.

What a fuckwit! I'm afraid that would be it for me. He put himself and a lot of other people at risk, wrecked another person's car and put you through a horrendous night.

I couldn't find a way back from that. He's a selfish twat.