Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

I think it depends what's going on with SIL. It's very hard to have someone having a mental health crisis, especially if suicidal. If MIL is her primary support, the need for that support doesn't go away. MIL may live in fear of what can happen if she doesn't take the call and settle the situation. It's hard for her too and she doesn't want it either. You're allowed to be disappointed it's interfering with your visit though.

That said, I wouldn't go for Christmas since you have to travel for it. I'd choose a quiet Christmas at home.

Ah the old 'look what you made me do' @BlueEyedPeanut on top of what I expect the sil already does of guilt trips?

You see by giving your MIL a sort of ultimatum about Christmas, you are not helping the situation.

I get that you don't want a repeat of previous Christmas and don't want your daughter witnessing this behaviour.

The thing to ask is how can we (DH) help have a better Christmas?

Your poor MIL obviously has being trying to 'help' her daughter or has had to put up with her but it sounds as if she's out of her depth. Your poor SIL needs professional help.

Leaving your MIL to deal with her over Christmas because you can't put up with her is not nice.

Huh? MIL keeps taking hour long phone calls. How is that not on her?

Just call it out and say it as it is to MIL. Tell her straight. Ask why sil keeps calling and taking her away? Why she keeps pandering to her? Its like the elephant in the room that no one dares to confront. Throw that bomb into the middle and see what happens. Mil might be ultra stressed and having to deal with sils issues on her own

I’d plan a Xmas for your own family and ignore the rest of them. You must look after yourself and your nearest and dearest.

Opening this conversation might also provide an opportunity for you to support MIL to get outside help for SIL. I assure you she doesn't want this either but probably feels stuck. She may fear not taking the call and the consequences.

I agree with this. Oh, and I certainly wouldn’t be going up for Christmas. What’s even the point if the entire day will revolve around SIL which you know it absolutely will. You may as well not even be there as she will dominate it.

I’d be planning a lovely Christmas at home with your immediate family. With no drama, no histrionics, where everyone is valued equally.

You can certainly tell from this thread which posters are the 'drama queens' in their family and act in the same way as the SIL!

I don't know about that. I do have experience with a severely mentally ill family member, so can understand the dilemma of the MIL. That fear if you don't pick up the phone or deal with the situation. And then feeling torn because you know what's happening is unfair on everyone else and you really are exhausted and want to focus on other things. But if you don't answer that call, what if?

I think opening the conversation with MIL about SIL needing more outside support, and maybe MIL getting support herself to handle this stuff, might be the best option.

@puppymagic I actually mean the posters that are saying OP 'isn't very sympathetic'.

There is a certain type that expects the world to have sympathy for their dramas, but you can guarantee this type doesn't offer any sympathy or support when others may need it.

My sister in law carries on in the same way that the OP's sister in law does, and after 22 years I have zero sympathy and don't give a fuck about her dramas or mental health, as she has not offered a drop of sympathy or kindness whenever DH or I have needed any.

These things work both ways. One demanding, dramatic person suffering with mental health issues does not trump the mental health of others!

That's quite understandable. 22 years is a long time for a one way relationship, or even supporting someone intensely if you were willing to do it.

My family member (my sister) did die in the end but at least I knew I'd done everything I could. I can't imagine how I'd have felt if I hadn't answered their last call.

OP: do you suspect that your SIL is deliberately sabotaging the MIL's relationship with your DH/DC ?

I am wondering how the MIL gets 5 minutes peace to herself. I presume MIL doesn't work or volunteer or have any of her own interests to prioritise instead?

@lljkk oh yes, I know! She called at 8, 9 and 9.30 today.

No MIL is retired, but part of her enjoys playing this role too.

That's just fucking ridiculous.

For what? A 'chat', advice/drama? Or just to spoil your time?...

Another yes for ASW to enter our vocab.

People like your SIL bloody annoy me - I have no inclination anymore to deal with
'attention-seeking, time-wasting, it 's-all-about-me, poor me, everyone is against me, I don't know how to do it, everyone must help me because it is the law'
wankers.

As these people have been pandered to and molly-coddled they just can not cope in the real world.

Sorry didn't mean to sound demanding!

I certainly wouldn't be entertaining visiting at Christmas if this is what constitutes time with her.

Your MIL is rude to be engaging with this behaviour.

Focus on doing what will be the best holiday with your child, those years fly by.

And again now. 6x today

Did your DH find out what all the phone calls are about and if they are really necessary?

If I were DH I would tell MIL she may as well pack up and go home.

Have it out with her. Make it into a joke. As soon as the phone rings “oh crikey, let me guess its SIL again! Whats that her 7th call today?! Is she ok”

Well if SIL is struggling so much that all these calls are really necessary and MIL can't possibly not take them in case something terrible happens then maybe MIL should go home, provide practical support and help SIL get professional help.

If, as so many people suspect, SIL is an attention seeking drama llama who can't stand for MIL's attention to be on OP's family even for a weekend and MIL can't disengage from the drama, then the visit is a waste of everyone's time, should potentially be cut short and definitely not repeated.

Either way, I wouldn't be inviting MIL back to visit and I certainly wouldn't be going to stay with her at Christmas as it seems pretty clear the focus will be on SIL and her dramas. If MIL is not happy with this I would just ask her to reflect on this current visit & remind her that no one was able to enjoy it as her attention was always elsewhere and maybe she needs to resolve those other issues before visiting or hosting OP's family again.

The "no comment" response would have wound me up. That's classic drama llama stuff - oh there's something going on that by my behaviour you will all know about but I can't possibly tell you what it is. If it's so secret then don't draw attention to it. I think I might have said I was happy for her to respect SIL's privacy by not sharing her personal information but as that does not afford me any opportunity to provide appropriate support or advice then maybe she should just go back home to SIL and support her herself rather than bring her problems to other people's homes.

It must be so upsetting for your DH that she won't ignore calls to prioritise some time with him and her GC.

The SIL must be an incredible manipulator to have family members in a constant state of being 'on-call' like that.

It's understandable that you'd be tempted to bow out of Xmas, if more of this is what you're in for.