Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

Sorry, I mean it must be upsetting for your DH that his Mum won't prioritise him. SHe really needs to turn her phone off.

I’m divorcing my husband (he’s having an affair) and having tolerated his stupid sister and ghastly BIL for years, and idiot MIL, I will feel not seeing any of them again as a major highlight of the divorce. They have ruined Xmas for me over the years. Make a stand and follow your gut - you have to stand up for what you feel is right and what you believe in. Do not be pushed into something that will make you miserable.

I’d suggest that she goes home because sil needs her so much. She’s showing that her son and granddaughter come way down on the list of her priorities. She could choose to handle this differently, but enjoys being needed.

Don’t go at Christmas.

"No comment"? Oh, fuck that for a game of soldiers!

I'd be laying it out for MIL. She is either visiting, or she is not. Cloistering herself away with the phone does not count as visiting. If she is going to spend all her time on the phone to her daughter she would be as well being in the same room as her.

And stop asking her about Christmas. TELL her you will not be coming, as that will just revolve around SIL, and you can give your own daughter a far better Christmas at home than will be available at MIL's home.

It sounds as if MIL and SIL are in an unhealthy co-dependant relationship, and I would not be willing to expose my daughter to that.

She’s quite relentless isn’t she! I think l would swerve Christmas with her as most likely it will be more if the same

I have gone no contact with a relation who is similar to your SIL. It’s been great with no drama, moaning, spoiling of significant occasions. When an occasion isn’t all about her then she always escalates. Consequently l have got married and had 2 children with relatively little drama

SIL sounds a complete PITA. No-one should sacrifice themselves on someone else’s altar of Me Me Me.

She is depressed, has been treated badly by her ex and sounds vulnerable. You repeatedly say you don't want to know what's going on but are judging her anyway. It does sound really disruptive to you but you don't seem very sympathetic to someone who's clearly going through a tough time. Why not show more interest and find out what the problem is before dismissing her? Mental illness is a nightmare. She deserves some compassion.

YANBU whether or not SIL's issues are superficial or not, doesn't take away from what ends up happening. I feel particularly sorry for your DH who can't get any time with his mum, but I think if Christmas looks anything like these dramatic interruptions, I'd definitely want to stay at home with DH and DD

Excellent post as is @WhereYouLeftIt.

Her visiting serves zero purpose whilst she entertains her daughters constant interruptions.

Her visit is more unpleasant disruption than anything else, she is better off returning home.

Her response is indeed deserving of a "fxxk that for a game of soldiers" reaction.

TELLING her you will not be visiting for Christmas is the only way to go.

Your poor daughter. I wouldn't tolerate it.

If SIL is so unwell, MIL should have remained at home.

She won't discuss what is going on, rather she has brought the drama with her and upset another home.

There is a child involved here being impacted.

Better she never visited.

That's not normal. She's obviously jealous and trying to ruin mils time with dh

Agree. Whatever the reason and wherever one wants to place responsibility, MIL just isn't in a place where I'd entrust my child's good experience of Christmas to her. Which would be inevitable if you were staying in her house.

Trust me I have spent a lifetime of pain tiptoeing around my SIL and bending over backwards to try to please her all to no avail… I’ve realised that my responsibility is to keep my immediate family happy. The ONLY way I would be going for Christmas is if your DH really wants to go to support his Mum and/or his sister. If not, then have a happy time at home and say you’ll will visit another time when she’s in a better place to cope with guests. Entertaining for Christmas can be stressful so tell her you wouldn’t dream of putting her under extra pressure just now.

Spend Christmas Day at home. You know already how it’s going to work out if you go up

Why not show more interest and find out what the problem is before dismissing her?

Did you even read the thread? she DID ask and was told "no comment" by the MIL so she cant even assist with the issue!!

The "no comment" response would have wound me up. That's classic drama llama stuff - oh there's something going on that by my behaviour you will all know about but I can't possibly tell you what it is. If it's so secret then don't draw attention to it. I think I might have said I was happy for her to respect SIL's privacy by not sharing her personal information but as that does not afford me any opportunity to provide appropriate support or advice then maybe she should just go back home to SIL and support her herself rather than bring her problems to other people's homes

This is absolutely spot on. If the SIL is that unwell then MIL may as well just bugger off home and look after her. Whats the point in visiting in the first place? I'd definitely be suggesting she goes home and deals with it because there is simply no point in her visiting anyone if she's going to be on the phone to SIL all day long regardless.

I have a daughter-in-law like this. Which means I never see my son alone. She can’t handle it. There was once when I had come out of hospital that day having just had an operation for breast cancer. I live alone and they didn’t keep you in hospital beyond first night so I was pretty weak. She never stopped ringing him. He told her he had cooked me some supper and she said he didn’t cook her supper etc etc so in the end he had to leave early evening when I could have done with him staying overnight. . I don’t think she ever asked how I was it was ll about her and her stupid possessiveness.

I ve voted YABU. Because you are expecting a selfish SIL to not be the centre of the universe and that is not goin to change. Also I think YABU sending warnings to your MIL about if there is drama in the Xmas dinner you may stay down. You go or you don't go but you don't use passive aggressive warning before the event.

Other than that you are been very very reasonable to be completely feed up with their attitude and family dynamics.

Wow sounds like your in laws adore rhemselves a drama.

Undoubtedly they are being rude and inconsiderate but I'm not sure there is anything you can do other than maintain your own boundaries so as to minimise yhe impact on you.

Your dh has to fight his own battles so you can sympathise but if he wants things to change then he needs to have an honest conversation with his mum.

My sister and my nephew carry on like this with every single event being affected but the rest of us don't buy into the drama.

It’s hard to say without fully knowing what’s happening.

On the one hand it sounds very annoying. On the other hand maybe things are worse than you are aware of. When I was suicidal some years ago it was a real fucking struggle and if I had been a more outspoken person I would have loved to have talked about myself to someone every time I felt that way - which was a lot. If things are very extreme for her it can be overwhelming and all consuming to deal with.

I think you need to take a step back here. Gently tell your husband your concerns and let him decide with what he knows about his sister and the situation and go from there. X

She a grown woman not a little girl. Of course MIL is worried about her adult child but she must know if she's phoning multiple times a day its unlikely to be anything she can actually help with.

Sounds so frustrating. I sort of feel for MIL but then people like that need to take control and prioritise all their children and not just the ones attention seeking.

Your sil must be draining.

I would stay home for xmas with y9ur dc and travel up to MIL for 27th

100% cancel your Christmas plans with them. Your SIL sounds like a pathetic attention seeker who needs to grow up and maybe your MIL likes being needed that much? It’s a shame for your husband though, never getting some quality time with his mum.
If you go for Christmas you will be walking on eggshells and your daughter will pick up on tension/you acting differently and it’s not fair. I know everyone says Christmas is family time but if the family is like that it’s better to do a smaller Christmas just the 3 of you.

Mil is a rude enabler. I really cba with her or sil.