Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

My sister also. And yes, it's a right royal pain in the arse.

I'm assuming from the apparent lack of empathy in all your posts, that MIL knows exactly how you and DH feel about the situation, you've made your feeling quite clear about it, so I'm not surprised she isn't jumping to share what the latest problem is about, or maybe because she's just spent an hour on the phone she doesn't want to monopolise the conversation with SIL problems, when she's there to visit you, and spend time with you all, she may be trying her best to please everyone, but not quite managing to do either.

I can understand you not wanting to spend time with SIL at Christmas etc, I honestly can, and you don't have to, you are completely reasonable to decline the invite, it can be draining when someone has seemingly endless problems, and needs a lot of support, but she does sound deeply unhappy.

I think blaming SIL for your DH and MILs lack of quality time is a bit too far, and with respect, quite the convenient excuse, especially when you live 7 hours from each other, SIL is a massive part of MIL life, you can't change that and you can't expect MIL to turn off that worry and concern whenever she's with you, if you make her feel like she can't discuss any of this with you because you 'empathy has worn thin' and you've had enough of the 'endless drama' then don't expect them to have a close relationship anytime soon, DH should be able to empathise with his sister, and empathise with MIL dilemma without being drawn into the 'drama', he may even become the shoulder MIL needs and may bring them closer, but minimising SIL problems and calling it 'drama' is counterproductive to that.

yep, we've got one that ruins every single gathering. Fucking nightmare, absolutely no fun, completely self-absorbed and oblivious to anyone else in the room. She doesn't have any particular issues, she just likes being centre of drama and attention. totally draining.

I’m wondering how many posters on this thread monopolize their mother’s time in this way based on all the SIL apologists. Of course she is being horrifically rude and selfish, it’s not that difficult to be respectful of her MILs time with her son and grandchild she rarely gets to see. I would avoid SIL and Christmas like the plague.

Just turn all the phones off

It sounds to me like the SIL has to have everything be about her 24/7/365. When it isn't, she makes it that way. I doubt very much that when MIL is home, her daughter calls her that many times a day or is that needy. She seems bound and determined to ruin MIL's trip and the visit with OP's family.

OP--have Christmas at home and don't play into the SIL's drama. Don't let her become the center of the universe, yet again.

Agree!

@Nowherenew it is not controlling to want your child’s grandmother to be able to spend time with her on a long awaited visit when said grandmother has travelled 7 hours to do just that.

SIL’s problems are 3 years in the making and whilst I am not without empathy if she was a desperate as the volume of calls would be showing them I suspect MIL would not have travelled 7 hours away; which is suggestive that she just doesn’t like not being the centre of her mums world for a couple of days and is making that known to all.
I’d distance myself from the lot of them tbh, you can’t do anything about the situation, you can only control your reaction and what you do about it.

<raises hand>

Seconded!

If you are shut out from knowing the issues then you should be shut out from having to be impacted by it.

'No comment' when my nice family evening is being ruined by multiple phone calls would seriously annoy me. 3 years of it? No thanks. You DH and your daughter are a family - if MIL can't untangle herself enough to occasionally immerse herself in your family then I would be easing away from her and the drama she brings.

Of course it’s controlling to yell a grown adult how many phone calls she’s allowed to have a day and how long she’s allowed to be on the phone for.

If she wants to talk to her daughter, then she can.

The daughter may be an attention seeker or she may be going through something.

Its MILs choice whether to answer or not and how long she wants to spend on the phone.

Agree with this, and in fact wonder if sil uses the fact dm is visiting op and family as a chance to play the 'unloved, uncared for, boo hoo no empathy for me' guilt on the dm!

This is bonkers.

You can't boss other adults about like this.

The MIL can do as she likes with her own phone. Don't invite her if you don't like her, but you can't start policing another adult in this way.

It does sound like SIL can't stand the fact that MIL wants to spend time and give attention to people who aren't her and her own daughter. So she's hellbent on ruining that time. Hence the constant phone calls and drama.

I wouldn't go up at Christmas. It will be more of the same, she'll insist on making it all about her and you be excluded, OP. Fuck that.

I'm afraid we had a family member like that too. We made it very clear that we were not interested in the dramas, not prepared to talk about them, didn't want to be involved in them, and that while their Mum was obviously entitled to talk to them any time they called, we would distance ourselves, and do our thing as a family.

It took a while, but their Mum seemed to come to the realisation that we weren't going to be a part of the Greek Chorus in 'The Days of This Family Member's Life', and if she'd come down to spend time with us, then she was the one who was going to miss out.

This family member had been a drama llama all their born days, and I wasn't having any of it, and neither was my DH.

Poor MIL having to try and juggle various relatives seeking attention from her. She must be exhausted.😗

I mean, if I was still being harassed by an abusive ex after 3 years, I would probably want and need the support of my family too.

Multiple times a day?

Which is fine but there is support and there’s using a person with their own life, own problems, own people to see, as an emotional crutch for 3 years.

On demand? Especially when visiting other family?

After three years of harassment I'd probably call a lawyer or the police rather my mum.

We spent last Christmas at home because my SIL had treated me unkindly the previous Christmas. DP had asked for reassurance she wouldn’t treat me like that again and she couldn’t provide it so MIL stayed with us for the holidays and we had a lovely, relaxing time. My SIL’s been making a bit more effort with me since.

I don’t think you can tell your MIL what to do but I do think you can let her know your how the situation impacts your family and ask if there’s any way she manage it. I also think you can tell her about the impact your SIL had on you last Christmas and that you’re thinking about staying home this Christmas as a result.

Look, as long as people keep answering, she's going to keep calling. That isn't her fault. Her mum could easily tell her "now is not the time" then hang up.

Their answering might not be 'her fault' but the attention seeking self centred behaviour is.

She's not wailing into a vacuum. People are giving her attention. They are enabling it. If they stopped their part in it, the OP wouldn't be complaining about the calls taking time away from her DH and child. This isn't all SIL's fault or responsibility.