My exh had mental illness for last 20 years of our 30 year marriage. I was his carer. I was also effectively single mum, the sole breadwinner and danced around to his tune becuase I believed his unreasonable behaviour was due to his illness, and “in sickness and health” milarky . In being his “carer”, I was effectively, in absence of any services, his CPN, his psychologist, his social worker, his occupational therapist. I am not kidding, as anyone who has been carer for someone with mental illness in this country will testify
I lost myself, my own mental health, and my quality of life trying to “help him” .
it doesn’t work. Only the person who is ill can help themselves with the input of medical professionals and appropriate drug regimes.
it is a very dangerous and damaging thing to be pushed into being a “carer” for a mentally ill person- 50% of people go on to have their own mental health crisis. The reason for this is the lack of funding, the lack of being able to fill vacant positions in the mental health services means “care in the community “ does not work. It is merely “drug and dump”
And a “crisis” does not last 3 years.
If SIL is so unwell she has to speak to her MUm or brother multiple times a day, Sil should be getting help by going back to her GP and asking for professional intervention. However, some mentally unwell people don’t do that, they instead rely on toxic co-dependant relationship with the people who stick around due to guilt, sympathy etc . It is easier than having to take drugs, talking with psychotherapist who will challenge her thinking, and doing the hard work of therapy (even if it is offered).
family stepping in , time after time, in a crisis is sometimes the worse thing you can do. Pushing back and saying to the individual “I cannot support you, I am not qualified, and you need to get professional help” is the better option. Sadly, sometimes it is even better to let the situation escalate to point of Sectioning, because whilst that’s horrific, it is a quickest route for them to be properly assessed and have proper crisis management, which is better in the long run.
so no, SIL Chris does not top anyone else’s needs. That is at best naive, and at worst the sort of crap jetted out by NHS/social workers to force families into carer roles that they are not qualified to do as they pretty much mean becoming a full time CPN. It actually just produces a wake of low level depression and anxiety and stress in the carers that are dumped on.
I have been very clear with my DC after my divorce. Do NOT ever get involved in their father’s care, or his care plan, or talk to his psychiatrist or crisis team. If they become aware he is in crisis then call the crisis team and leave it at that. I did not divorce their father becuase I could not cope any more, just for them to have to pick up the pieces of their father’s illness and his personal decisions on whether he complies with the treatment plans he has. It is my biggest fear, they’ll get dragged into being his “carer”.