Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

These responses are wild.

SIL sounds like she's having a miserable time worthy of much sympathy (abusive harassing ex) and needing support from her mum who she is very close to (much closer than your DH who lives 7 hours away and rarely sees her).

MIL is probably having a much more anxious time because she's trying to appease you and DH and play 'equal'.

The reality is that a lot of mums are much closer with their adult daughters than their sons. Girls phone more, etc. Her daughter is depressed and phoning her mother for support. I don't think she's doing anything wrong.

That being said, I don't think YABU in terms of Christmas. She's not your mum so I understand why you wouldn't care to entertain an annoying SIL to spend time with her.

Do your thing but I don't think SIL is being unreasonable by phoning her mum while in a crisis and I don't think you should care too much to get involved in the family dynamic between DH, MIL and SIL.

Spot on

I don't think DH needs to tell OP. I think it is fine to respect SIL's privacy and not tell OP if SIL wouldn't want that - what is not fine is the secret conversations and going quiet when OP comes into the room and all the phone calls MIL is taking from SIL. If they have all agreed OP is not to be told then they need to keep it out of her house, that's what I'd be cross about not the fact that I didn't know what non-crisis drama SIL has going on. I would be cross that DH is complicit in this.

I agree with you about DD calling MIL out. I can't recall if OP gave her age but for a child to spot the behaviour it must be pretty obvious and that is very sad and hurtful.

@Mama0nion MIL herself said she's not in crisis and that it is all ridiculous .

Your dh and his family are bloody rude.
Quite honestly if I wasn’t good enough to be told what’s going on then I would assume I wasn’t good enough to spend Christmas in their home.
You'd do well to tell them all to go home, and take dh with them, until they stopped behaving like 5 year olds in the playground.

Yes, I do agree with you. Me and my DH would never keep secrets in this way, but if it was being done, you don't go and have hush hush conversations that exclude one person present. That's just rude.

I'd turn it around and let them all get on with it while taking advantage of the time to myself it affords me. Then if they want me to do anything to help them with the situation refuse to do so because hey, I'm not involved. Not my circus, not my monkey.

@jumpingjackrabbit it can't be that ridiculous if they are all having hushed confabs about it. It can't be completely trivial. Why OP hasn't just found out what's going on from DH I don't really understand.

Have to agree with what others have said too - if anything this is your MIL and DH being rude, not SIL. She is not there with you and she is having her own personal issues. If no one tells her it's a bad time she won't know - it is not automatically rude to phone your mum just because she is at your brother's house.

Not automatically rude, but when each call is over 1 hour and a 5 year old little girl sees Grandma a few times a year, it is.

Im so angry for you OP, how bloody dare they treat you so rudely in your own house! I’ve have interrupted and said if you need to have secret conversations then leave the house to do it! I hope DH tells you what’s going on if it’s as trivial as MIL is suggesting

Oh she’s absolutely being ridiculous and I don’t even know what’s going on. My DH would have told me ages ago what was going on with rolled eyes no doubt.

This, fuck their drama llama shit. They're probably getting off on the fact that it's all secret and excluding you. I wouldn't be bothered with mil or sil again and dh can deal with them going forward.

Sounds like you all need to grow up tbh. If you don’t want to go to mil for max just don’t and stop being backhanded about it. Your husband needs to be far k with his sister and stop acting like he’s still 10

hi OP.
2 things which instantly jump out at me in your posts.

1. your mil and bil were invited to stay with you to spend quality time with you, DH, and your daughter. Your sil is going through a tough time and has made it clear she is struggling to cope right now without family support. Is there a valid reason why the invitation to stay was not extended to her? Or did you invite her and she declined? If you did not invite her, she must be feeling very isolated and left out, which must be quite triggering whilst simultaneously going through a hard time in her life.

2. Why isn’t DH filling you in with what’s going on?? I’m kind of fuming about that on your behalf. If my DH had a conversation in our home and didn’t fill me in afterwards i’d be literally like livid!

I don’t think you’re being unsympathetic at all, I think you’re putting your daughter first which you should. I think if you don’t feel comfortable telling your mil that when she comes to visit your daughter that time should be devoted to her then your husband should definitely tell her. I find it rude when anyone is on the phone when they should be spending quality time especially around children it doesn’t set a great example. I’d also be annoyed at your husband for not keeping you in the loop, whether you married into the family or not you’re still carrying the burden. I’d definitely stay home for Christmas it’s too special to have it ruined just as this time has been.

@SummerPeach BIL drove MIL down so she could spend quality time with DD. SIL wasn't invited as it was only meant to be MIL coming. BIL driving was last minute as flight down was cancelled.

@SummerPeach really? So the dh can't see his dm without an entourage and being guilted for the sil not being the star of the situation? Do you think the dh gets invited to everything the sil and mil do together?

Is it too late to invite her? I’m just thinking it would solve the issue of everyone being on their phones - which I agree gets really annoying! Then they could talk in person and be there in person for sil.

@SummerPeach they're going home tomorrow. It was literally a 72 hour stay. I don't really feel the need or desire to host a drama party which is be undoubted excluded from in my own home! She's not in crisis.

The situation would be 100x worse if the SIL was there. Going by the OPs latest updates she would no doubt be made to feel like a visitor in her own home while the drama llama holds court. Not a good environment for the OPs DD to be around

And sil would get opportunity to ruin something else and properly be centre of attention again. I'm sure she'll love to come!

That’s absolutely fair. I guess I was just thinking it might resolve things once and for all to have everyone together and able to chat without the phones.
It might make sil feel a bit better to know she’s supported. Especially might make everything easier ahead of Christmas.
and on that note - you do whatever you feel is best for your own Christmas. Follow your instincts. :)

@SummerPeach, really? Why OP would like to invite Lord Voldemort to her house? I think she got already enough with a couple of dementors.

@SummerPeach the whole reason for MIL visiting was to spend quality time with her 5 year old granddaughter and to have a bit of 1:1 time with her. SIL and her kid have been living with her for 3 years and recently moved out. MIL hasn't had any alone time with DD in over 3 years as when we visit, they've been there.

Bringing this drama into the house and inviting it in is not a healthy environment for my DD.

Stop making wafty comments about Christmas - it’s like you’re asking permission to not go there for Christmas but nobody’s going to admit she’ll probably ruin Xmas again and agree that you shouldn’t come. Just say you’re not going for Christmas as last year was ruined and this visit was ruined.

The broader IL family dynamic sounds pretty toxic - your DH needs to figure out his priorities!

Nooooo that’s awful I’m so sorry :(
I feel for you and your daughter :(

I think in that case, mother in law should be held account somewhat for not setting clearer boundaries and making your family priority on this occasion.