Drama, Drama, Drama - SIL

[jumpingjackrabbit]

DH's mother has travelled down South to spend some time with her grandaughter who she sees a few times a year and also to be able to spend some quality time with DH. We don't see her very often as they live a good 7 hours away from us.

Within 5 minutes of arriving yesterday, SIL is on the phone having a breakdown about something. I overhead MIL say did she not remember that she had come down to spend some time with us (I'm not bothered about spending time with me, but I do think it is important that she gets to spend quality time with DH and our DD). She then took herself off to another room and was gone for 45 minutes.

5 minutes after getting off the phone, it rings again. SIL again. This time wanting to Facetime.

We just sit down for our evening meal and BIL's phone goes (he has driven MIL here) and he says he will speak to SIL at 8pm. 8pm he disappears off into another room and after 30 minutes comes back, hands the phone to MIL and says he has had enough of being Siegmund Freud and it was her turn. She then disappears off for another hour.

All the time, DH was wanting to talk MIL about some things important to him and about work etc given he hardly sees his mum or gets 5 minutes with her.

We are meant to be going up for Christmas, but I said to MIL that whilst I do not wish to know what is going on, if things were not great, it might be better for us not to come up. 2 years ago we had a bloody miserable Christmas due to SIL and her mood swings, taking offence at everything etc. and personally I would rather enjoy a happy christmas with my DD and DH away from all of this drama as it is just not pleasant and awkward.

AIBU to think SIL should allow DH and DD to spend at least a couple of hours with grandma / mum?

AIBU to want to reconsider our Christmas plans to avoid another repeat of having every word we say taken the wrong way?

The sil sounds like a pain and mil sounds like she's pandering but, I think you're being a bit dramatic about your dh and dd not spending any time with your mil, she hasn't been on the phone the entire time she's been with you. There's time inbetween the phone calls.

Stop letting it bother you, there's nothing you can do about it

As others have said suggest that if SIL needs her that much you better go home and we won’t be coming for Christmas.

Perhaps go and visit between Christmas and New Year instead so that you can have a good Christmas without the drama. If you cut contact totally the sister wins and DH and DD lose out fully.

You're being an idiot and being drawn into an immature playground, you really should not be a part of. Your SIL is high maintentence, for genuine mental health or personality or circumstancial reasons. Your needs are to maintain your own family in a balanced way and to want grandma involved with DD and DH. Back off being in the drama, or making threats. So the recent visit has been a tinderbox. Make the mature decision to have Xmas as small family unit at home. Leave grandma and BIL to sort out problems up north. But where you're going wrong is trying to get everyone on your side against SIL. She's obviously unhappy. She may be obnoxious. But why try to get everyone to dump on her? If her mum is spending 45min in a private conversation - she won't abandon daughter. So break away this Christmas, decide your own terms and boundaries for MIL visiting and how you deal with SIL. Because it seems clear you really do not like SIL.

Does your husband know what’s going on? Your BiL knows, so I’d be surprised if your husband doesn’t. Have you asked him?

Did your H get any intel on what the histrionics are about? Or is it purely because the mother is with your H that she’s acting out because the focus of her mother is off her? For once.

Easy to just blame SIL here. I think MIL needs this barrier to familial connection with her son too. How often does she see him? Speak to him? You can just get out of the habit of talking to an adult child if you hardly ever see them/talk on phone and never see them alone.

After a certain point you can literally just be out of the habit an awkwardness creeps in and you can feel almost shy, even though this is someone you were family bonded with

Once out of the habit of easy chat with a family member it’s quite hard to visit and enter their household on your own. And distractions in the form of the SIL drama can help to disperse discomfort and prop the person up - even if all of this is subconscious. Like the friend you arrange to meet but who can only turn up with an entourage around them or has to make or receive constant ‘check ins’ from partner or children

No phone answered when eating or when MIL is spending time with her GD, suggest all phones are on silent or get DH to ask to suggest it. SIL sounds very entitled

You can only accept people for how they actually are and then adjust yourself accordingly.

The reality is that your SIL is obviously wanting huge amounts of attention and that your MIL gives it to her. It means that your MIL is hard work to be around and so is your BIL because the two of them cannot sit down and have a meal with close relatives they haven't seen in a long time. Instead it has to be a circus of people coming and going in and out of rooms and taking voice calls and face times instead of sitting down and communicating with the people present in front of them.

Newsflash: I hate to tell you this but some people live like that all day every day. Some families exist like this on a permanent basis. They're incapable of being in the present moment, calm and peaceful, making civil and intimate conversation because they mistakenly believe that high velocity drama and action is a totally normal way to be. If this is the case, they're not going to change. They're exhausting, lack boundaries, and are giant energy vacuums. It's easy to land this on the SIL but she wasn't the one disrupting your time together - the people who disrupted their own time was MIL and BIL. Their choice.

If this way of being of their's makes you uncomfortable (as it would me) then you need to find solutions but I would strongly suggest the solution is not confronting them or expecting them to be different in their habits and dynamics. You'll just make a new drama for them all.

From your description, it sounds like your SIL may be in some kind of mental health crisis. She needs support. I can understand accepting this kind of intensity in the very short term, but this isn't good for MIL either. SIL needs help that is more than MIL can provide. Do you think it's appropriate for someone to call a mental health crisis team or seek intervention?

Guess all I’m saying, like some other pps, is that it seems like this constant disruption from SIL suits MIL too, and it might be worth thinking more deeply about what’s gone on with various relationships, rather than assuming it’s because MIL can’t be bothered or SIL is a drama lama

Newsflash: I hate to tell you this but some people live like that all day every day. Some families exist like this on a permanent basis. They're incapable of being in the present moment, calm and peaceful, making civil and intimate conversation because they mistakenly believe that high velocity drama and action is a totally normal way to be

Absolutely this - it’s like a live episode of Eastenders - and you are bored of watching. Switch off or switch over.

When are they leaving?

Update: so I had a chat with MIL after her, BIL and DH all disappeared off to speak to SIL this evening. They then shut themselves in the kitchen discussing whatever is happening. I walk in and they all change the subject.

DH and BIL go out for a drink so I asked MIL if she needed to go home and sort whatever out is going on. She said she didn't, SIL is not in crisis and the whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. She wouldn't tell me what, so I said on that case I would appreciate the 3 of you do not have hush hush conversations in my home as it is rude and unfair when I walk into the room. She then asked me if DH had told mr what was going on I said no so she said well I can't tell you then.

I'm not threatening her with not going up for Christmas, but I did say if this mystery was going to affect Christmas, it might be better if we didn't come as my priority is DD. I'm cross with DH for not telling me and I'm ceoss the whole weekend has been fueled by whatever drama is occurring.

If the drama isn't a crisis then why can't it be set aside till MIL goes home? It makes no sense. How many nights is she staying?

Good for you for telling her there should be no rudeness in your home and Christmas is not a forgone conclusion.

No drama except jealousy.. Going for Christmas will be an absolute repeat imo. For dd's sake stay home.

@choux going back tomorrow. Even DD (5) said Grandma, why are you always on your phone?

the thing is - if you have Christmas at home then you’re in control. If you go there then you relinquish all control. Absolutely prioritise dd and control how her Christmas Day unfolds

I wonder if it's related to your DN - hitting puberty and having problems of his / her own. Or even having had enough of the drama and wants to live with her dad? Or the dad manipulating her.

Given your update it sounds like they're all actually enjoying the drama SIL included.

Good on you for telling them their behaviour in your home is rude and unacceptable.

If they are going to have secret conversations and hush hush nonsense and change the topic when you enter that makes them sound like they are in the playground then honestly I'd be inclined towards telling them all to fuck off.

I would appreciate the 3 of you do not have hush hush conversations in my home as it is rude and unfair when I walk into the room.

Well done OP for speaking up and saying this as if needed saying. The impact that the drama Queen SIL, fuelled a lot by your MIL, has had on you and your DD’s weekend has been ridiculous.

I would hope that your DH apologises too for not telling his mum to get a grip and not answer the phone, especially as it’s clearly not a crisis

Reading your updates I think they’re all being wankers OP, including your DH. I think that’s a disgusting way to treat you in your own home. It’s extremely rude. I’d be having strong words with your DH when they leave. If they don’t want to tell you, maybe SIL has requested that, then fine. But then they don’t discuss it in your presence at all.

How immature.

I would have zero patience with this. If MIL herself says this is not a crisis, then fine you don't need the details, but she is beyond rude taking all those phone calls in your home and having the top secret conversations that exclude you. This would only be excusable if something urgent had happened just after she left home that needed her input - urgent stuff happening before she left, well she probably should have stayed home if she was not able to disengage from it and non-urgent stuff should not be taking so much of her attention whilst away. Good for you for asking if she needed to leave early to deal with things.

Never mind saying it might be better for you not to go up for Christmas, I would be quite clear that I wouldn't be going after the collective behaviour this weekend over a situation that she admits is not a crisis. Whether you can put up with more of it is one thing, but it's not fair on your daughter to spoil her Christmas.

Gosh OP I feel for you, your SIL is extremely hard work and your in law family is prone to drama. My full advice is stay well away from them.

@TheWickermanReturns I'm v annoyed with DH.

Would DH tell you? It's not fair to shut you out. You are family too.

Good on your DD for stating the obvious to MIL.