DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

So he pays 2.5k for his daughter's school and nothing for his other child's care?
Never heard the like.
He's on 150k in the north and you feel poor?
Madness.

What I'm wondering is - does he think your son isn't his?

I'm just not sure I could/want to leave

Putting it bluntly, OP, you may not have a choice; as things stand he could ask you to leave at any point, though of course he'd be liable for child maintenance

On that subject is he self employed? Because if so you may well struggle to get anything for DS even if he's made you homeless

I don't pity you, OP, I am outraged on your behalf.

Men like this get away with it because they simultaneously both undervalue and refuse to take responsibility for "caring" work - childcare is not "real work" so they don't recognise it as a contribution or want to pay for it, but equally it's too inconvenient for them to do it either. Men like this exploit women's unpaid and caring labour. This work is not optional. It's not a choice on your part to do it - someone has to. He has manoeuvred you into being the default carer so that what is a choice for him is obligatory for you.

Unequal relationships like this are essentially a form of servitude for women.

Well then you can start by deducting half the cost of nursery from your share of the bills and backdating this to when your child first started nursery.

What exactly is his justification for not paying half the nursery costs but letting you pay for half the bills??

Well didn't he learn what not to do from his ex.

He's paying her, paying private school and managing this by letting you and your child live in poverty.

You need to speak up now. Multiple posters on this thread have agreed that he is wrong so when he turns round and says you need to feel bad you tell him no.

Oh and by the way, it would be better for your child to be from a "broken home" than live in one where his father is financially abusing his mother, which is what this is.

... you can start by deducting half the cost of nursery from your share of the bills and backdating this to when your child first started nursery

OP already addressed this, Margot, apparently she feels this would be a trigger for him to chuck her out, which as I just said he could do at any time anyway

OP, cut your losses, he will never change, a miserable existence for you and your child. he's only keeping you around to care for his first child.

Well then she might as well pull that trigger.

Or continue to live like this forever, getting deeper and deeper into debt and never having any kind of financial independence.

One thing is for sure, reading these responses on Mumsnet isn't going to make the bastard suddenly play fair. He's got the OP right where he wants her and it's deliberate.

You are in a horribly vulnerable position Op. CAB has a decent guide marriage v cohabitation.
You need to work through scenarios inc if he dies or you split.
If he dies who has he left his house to? Who left death in service or pension to?
If you split tomorrow, you are homeless and no claim on his house, what is your plan to house yourself and your child? - be nice to him and hope he doesn’t meet someone else or get bored isn’t a plan.
Another poster on here used phrase men pay for assets, women pay for donkey work this is exactly what you are doing - he’s paying for his house, lots into his pension,. You are paying childcare and food and clothes for child.
You split in 16 years. You are almost 60 and homeless. Depleted pension as you’ve been primary carer. No child maintenance payable. You are almost 60 - lots of women find themselves in poverty in this scenario.
He’s got a stunning house all paid for, large pension, can afford to buy teen gifts and holidays.

You're going to get deeper into CC debt unless you make some changes right now. Stop paying half of all the bills and for all of the food shopping. Pay say 30% towards both. If he kicks off with his "I'm putting a roof over your heads", reply, "yes, but you also earn 5 times what I do and I cannot afford to pay half anymore, you're already refusing to pay any of the childcare fees for our joint child". If changing to 30% gives you the opportunity to both save and get your CC debt paid off, then great, but I would also be pushing for him to be paying for 50% of the childcare.

Him failing to financially support you during maternity and refusing to pay at least half of the childcare fees for his own child when he earns 5 times what you do is absolutely sickening. Put that together with him using your home to cocklodge whilst he paid off his flat, then buying a £500K home, almost having it paid off and refusing to put you on the deeds or mortgage, oh my goodness, he's a total cunt.

He's done a right number on you. You really need to leave and claim CMS. You'll be able to get a mortgage to buy a small 2 bed house up north. Do you have a family member who could help you with a deposit? Then pay them back when you're back on track financially?

As things are right now, if they don't change, you'll never be able to afford to leave and you'll get deeper and deeper into debt just covering the basics for your joint child. This will get worse and worse unless changes are made now.

Please please please make a stand now, and also ask family if they are able to help. He's financially abusing you. This is so wrong.

He's not self employed, thankfully.

He definitely does not think our DS isn't his. DS looks the spit of DP and he's never ever suggested he thinks anything like this.

Stop paying for the family shop!

If you are getting into credit card debt to feed him and his daughter then you are going to end up being absolutely stuffed financially.

So why does he refuse to pay anything towards his child then?

seriously he is taking you for a fool.
as other have said, start squirting money away.
what is in place for your son right now if ur partner touch wood was to die? dors he have wills made up for you and your son seeing as he is so organised with cash?
what kind of parent we earns £150k and watches their partner and child struggle?
tho so not a good guy i'm sorry to say. i'd go and get legal advice just for down the line. this has red flags all over it and he sounds shady. im sorry.

I'd prioritise paying off your debt to contributing to the bills tbh, especially if they're in his name.

Ah, I missed that bit.

Do you see then op, how manipulative he's being?

He knows how much you earn, knows how much half the bill are, and knows how much nursery costs. So he knows you have nothing left. So he knows that as long as he keeps things like this, you think you can't afford to leave him.

He thinks he's being so clever. Ask him to contribute to his own son, and he'll kick you out. Or don't ask him, so that you're trapped. Win win.

Oh op 🤗

Like a previous poster said, your first step is to truly understand that this is not a man who cares for you.

in his view he knows he is in complete control of you.

The thing is as other posters have already said, you won't be able to change his mind or convince him of anything... because he already knows. This is not a stupid man. The ways in which he makes you financially contribute are not ways that he has to own up to. He won't let you pay any mortgage.. he won't marry you... because he knows these things would give you legal rights.
He knows what he's doing. He knows he's exploiting you. He might not use the word 'exploiting' in his head... I'm very sure he frames it as 'protecting himself' but essentially he knows he is putting you in a position where he has power over you. This is not love. How can you think someone loves you and simultaneously be afraid they might throw you out for being 'ungrateful' if you try and discuss the unfairness of your financial situation? How can you have any respect for a man who you think wouldn't even want 50/50 custody of their own young child?

Then have you never asked him why he pays private school fees for one of his children but not a penny for his other child? (His house doesn't count, he'd be paying for that anyway).

It really doesn't make any rational sense.

Completely agree with you Margo, but if OP really doesn't want to leave I'm not sure what there is to suggest?

The obvious issue is what she'll do to house herself and DS if no longer with him, but realistically whatever it is would be unlikely to match the "lovely house" they're in now

Just so long as OP doesn't give up work and doesn't have another pregnancy ...

I think DP genuinely doesnt see it that DS needs anything much, given his young age. I think that's why he won't either change the amount I am expected to contribute to the household, nor will he give me a bit of money every month towards DSs activities, clothing, whatever as he just views it as that he doesn't really need much.

In an ideal world it would be good if DP paid half the childcare and if he gave me a little bit of money towards DS every month just to help out with the bits I need for him and some outings/activities.

Bloody hell op I’m so sorry. What an absolute total bastard he is. The fact that you have £3k of cc debt, buying the family fucking shop, when he has almost paid off his house is one of the worst things I’ve read on here. He won’t change, follow the excellent advice on here. Stop giving him anything towards bills, start saving. Tell friends and family, let them help you, if they can.

@arethereanyleftatall when I've asked him he's pretty vague or just gets cross... but essentially he will say "but DS gets to live here with me and benefit from the house".