DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

He's not self employed, thankfully

Thank god for small mercies ... but again, what are your plans for if he does ask you to leave?

In a functional relationship you should be able to sit down one evening with a spreadsheet and go through all your outgoings, highlight your debt and explain why your DP needs to take on more costs related to his dc.
If he won't do this or see what you are telling him then you know it is because he is choosing not to see.
There are none so blind as those who will not see.

Nothing much apart from nursery which he's making you pay for?

How much does that cost each month and what is his excuse for not contributing?

Look, you are not being unreasonable, you know you're not, but you will not get anywhere with your partner because he already knows this.

He's financially abusing you.

It's deliberate.

The sooner you realise this and leave the bastard, the better.

At the end of the day, if you're getting into financial difficulties just paying towards his bills and footing the entire cost of nursery, and have no hope of building up any equity in your own property or saving for your retirement, the simple truth is that you can't afford to live with him.

Yet another woman being royally fleeced

If he splits up from you, you have nothing

Not a Thing

You need to stop suggesting he pays half. He needs to contribute a reasonable share. I.e 5x whatever you pay. It's not things you need for your child, its things the child needs and boths his parents should be contributing. Man hes done a number on you hasnt he.

OP is there any family you could stay with? Local women's shelter for the abused?

He's got you tied up like a kipper, OP 😕
You can't make him see. He knows. He's not stupid.
You need urgent legal advice. He doesn't love you, he's using you.
Every time you try to talk about it, he deflects. He turns it onto you. He pretends it's your fault. He will tell you black is white and up is down as long as it keeps you right where you are.
You really really need to start making an escape plan. Don't let him know for goodness sake.

I think DP genuinely doesn't see it that DS needs anything much, given his young age
^^

Well, he can contribute some of his 150k then, can't he?

Hmm?

So where would your partner live if he didn't have a young son then?

Under a bridge? On a park bench?

Don't think so.

What does he spend on himself?

he works long hours - is he out buying himself nice lunches and spending money on himself?

I can’t understand how he can happily leave you to struggle, but be earning such a high salary.

I would suggest you remind him of the promise of the name on the deeds, and say you need to split the cost of DS. If he says “I put a roof over your heads” tell him you want to move somewhere you can afford.

He can’t make up the rules and insist you play by them - you and your son are living a miserably poor life at his insistence. It doesn’t need to be like this.

He's making his choices based purely on what he wants/needs. So you need to make your choices based on you and your DC's needs. Stop paying anything towards his expenses (bills, food etc), stop "contributing to the household" there is no household. You are not a team, he sees you and DC as all your responsibility. I can't believe you used your equity to cover maternity.
He's an absolute selfish arse of a man and a terrible father and partner.

These kind of posts make me seethe.

You're basically the live in Nanny without the protection of a contract.
It's verging on financial abuse , what in earth would you do if you split up ?
What are his good points ?

@Scarydinosaurs this is maybe where I struggle. I don't think he spends a HUGE amount of himself.

He does have a very nice car, but he's not hugely into fancy clothes or anything like that. He has decent stuff but he takes care of, he's not off spending huge amounts all the time on stuff like that.

He does go out for drinks or to watch the football but it's not weekly, maybe a few times a month.

I think a huge amount of his money goes on the school fees, child maintenance, house, car, pension possibly? I'm not 100% but it definitely doesn't appear that he's spending it all on himself as such.

you need to asap start looking through the home paperwork and copying absolutely everything.
bank statements.
mortage payments. home ownership deeds.
car bills. pay slips. p60's. every asset this man has. wills. every financial piece of evidence you need to get a hold of,
photocopy the lot and keep it safe where he will never find it. you will need this for
when u do finally end up out that house because this is what will happen the minute his scheming arse realises he has no use for you.
it will never be you and your sons home because he clearly has no intention of adding you onto it. the minute that mortgage is paid he has no use for you. he is a dangerous man to be living with op, very corrupt.

It'll all be going into savings, investments, basically he is feathering his own nest at the expense of you and your child and letting you get into debt to pay for basic essentials.

Wanker.

I've never really thought about what happens to the house is anything happens to DP, would it not go to both children?

There's no point photocopying anything, they aren't married so she won't be entitled to any of it.

Financial abuse. What an absolute scrote

if it does, his Ex will force a sale to get her daughters share out and there will be nothing you can do about it....

What about you, OP?

You're not one of his children. Where will you live?

Why don't you call his bluff and say you'd like to get married. If he says he doesn't want to you can say he's obviously not committed to you and your child.

@MargotBamborough I guess I'd have to rent? I try not to think about death or things like that. I know it's not ideal, not sure what else I would do.

I was so silly letting my house go.

OP I hate to be harsh, but the only person being blind here is you. you are refusing to see who he really is and you are tying yourself in knots to make excuses. every update you give is worse and worse.

nothing will change unless you want it to. do you have a close friend you can talk to? it might be easier for you to accept if the advice comes from someone close to you?

Oh but she will have something, a big fat load of CC debt.

It is helping reading everyone's replies.
I know it may seem I'm not taking it on board but I am just processing and trying to take everything in.