DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

'He's not cruel to him' is a bar that is on the floor op.

I'm trying to work out what's going on in your head as to why you're staying with him. Is it the house? Is it because you like having a big house and you like that your son has a big house?

Or is he loads older than you, and all your family and friends said don't do it, and you did, and now you're too embarrassed to admit they were right?

You seem sensible, and yet are missing some hugely obvious red flags, so there must be a reason for it?

You pay for childcare so you can BOTH work. It's not just your responsibility.
He earns five times more than you. He should pay five times more into a joint pot for all bills including childcare. My DH does this.
You've been had on all fronts.
He wouldn't go for 50/50. It's the last thing he'd want. You seem grateful that he even interacts with his DS! So put the wind up him, tell him you're calling it a day and ask him which half of the week he wants sole 24/7 care of his child. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Waste of space.

'He's not cruel to him' Jesus wept.
Have some self respect and leave ffs.
You say you dont want your child to come from a broken home, but he already is in a broken home and living with an abused mother.
Cant you see it?!!!!!

Threads like this makes me so angry. You need to leave OP. Your mental health with be a lot better without him

You say you love him and don't want to break up the home... but deep down you must know... you wouldn't have started this thread if you didn't know... how much he is exploiting you. It's bordering on abuse.
And the thing is. He earns 150k. He cannot be a stupid man. OP I'm sorry but he knows what he's doing to you. He is making so much money off you right now. He's having his cake and eating it. And you are just letting him... more than that you love him. This man has it made. It's so sad. Is this really how you want to live your life? Is this really the example of a relationship you want to set your son? If he grows up to treat a woman like this how would you feel about that?
I really hope you find the strength to leave him. You sound like you are capable of supporting yourself long term. You are doing a masters, you do all the childcare like a single parent anyway... you financially struggle anyway... honestly what do you gain from this relationship apart from a nicer house (that he owns) to temporarily stay in? Don't lessen yourself this way. You are a whole human being. Not some shitcans free maid, nanny, cook and cash cow.

Your partner is financially abusing you. He's keeping you skint and vulnerable. You cant even afford to leave him. Your situation will change soon. When will DC be 3? Have you applied for nursery? Once he is free you can apply for 30 hours funded. That will free up a lot of your money. Although, I'm sure he'll try to give you additional bill's/ costs because you skint gives him all the control and power. I suggest you save your money in secret and make an exit plan. I would also be sending him food shopping more often so you have more money in your account. I think you need therapy aa well. You want to stay with a man who refuses to contribute to his own child's childcare. One who keeps you poor while he has money.

FYI If you leave him his CM payment for each child would be approx £816.64. Have a look on the benefits calculator to see what or if you would be entitled to anything on your income.

Leaving is hard and scary especially when you have someone whispering in your ear how lucky you are or how great full you should be but trust me you deserve better.

@arethereanyleftatall he's only about 5 years older than me. I'm almost 40.

No one said not to do it. When we got together I thought he seemed like a great man like I said he was going over and above for the daughter.

If we went on say a night out or for a meal, he'd mostly pay. If we went out for drinks with friends he'd be the one buying drinks for everyone. He never seemed tight.

I guess being honest with myself it would feel like I'd let my son down leaving the "nice" house. And I do wonder what people would think, if they'd pity me.

He has two children.

He needs to contribute equally toward both every month.

He is putting a roof over his own head, and creating a nice asset for himself. The fact that you and his second child have that roof over your heads is purely coincidental. If he kicked you out he would still have that over his head.

He is taking you for a mug here, and you are allowing him to treat you very badly, and very disrespectfully.

Worse, he has decided he will not contribute toward his second child.

This man is a nasty, selfish piece of work.

This is financial abuse.

Why on earth is he not contributing to her clothes, toys, hobbies, childcare costs. Why on earth would he think it reasonable for you to pay it all from your salary when he earns 5x more?! Totally unacceptable

He has a twisted sense of humor on top of all his other appealing qualities.

You will never make him see it isn't right, because he already knows it and doesn't care. Come on OP, if you don't want to leave to need to lay it all out to him

OP, this is not a partnership of any worth. You are with a man who views it as "your choice" to do enriching activities with your son and won't take him to them or contribute to the cost.

If as a family you were on the breadline, then maybe these activities would be an extravagance. But let's just put it in context... your son has a parent earning £150k plus and you're worried about how to pay for stuff like forest days, music classes, swimming etc.! This is absolutely ridiculous!! I am speechless. What sort of man earning the kind of salary he does doesn't think that some of that money should go to providing a range of activities and experiences for his child?

In essence you have totally different priorities - your priority is your son, his is himself.

The question is- what do you want to do about this? If you choose to stay, do you think things will get better?

If ultimately you find that you can't live like this and you can't accept this for your son, then there is a lot of help available (including on these boards) to help you begin to chart a way out of this to a happier life.

I pity you now OP profoundly.
Which doesn't mean I'm looking down on you or judging you, just that I'm very sorry you are in this situation.
Leaving and rebuilding your and your dc's life shows strength and resilience.

He has no intention of marrying you - then you'd be entitled to 50% of everything he's worked so hard and sneakily to squirrel away for himself.

He has no intention of putting you on the deeds and INSISTS you don't contribute to the mortgage because then when you split up you have NO CLAIM whatsoever - despite all you have paid for, it's all his legally.

He has no intention of selling the flat ever because it's an asset he's making money from.

I can't believe you let him get away with not supporting you and HIS child through maternity and now. It's a joke!!

I would be distraught if my DD was living like this.

He sounds bloody awful.

'I guess being honest with myself it would feel like I'd let my son down leaving the "nice" house. And I do wonder what people would think, if they'd pity me.'

This is great op - the honesty. I think kids a bit older love 'their home' whatever that looks like, within reason! They certainly don't care at 2 years old. But if you had a cosy home half the size of your current one, he wouldn't give a shiny shit.

People pity you now, ok we're strangers, but this thread is pulling at many heart strings. People would think you were absolutely fucking awesome if you get away from this vile man, raise a child and get a masters.

No her cm payment would be 1224 per month. They dont take into consideration children who do not live with them.

God!

How can you bear to look at him?!!!!

I would hold him in absolute contempt and have no respect for him whatsoever.

LEAVE THIS GIT

He is showing everyone how great he is and how generous he is. Its all about presenting an image. I wonder if he'd want you to talk openly about your financial situation. I'm sure he wouldn't want people to know that he doesn't pay any childcare.

Honesty, fuck the nice house. I'd prefer to live in a shoe box on my own with my DC than with a man who keeps me skint.

You've said you dont want to leave him and just want advice on how to make him see this isnt fair. Surely you know by now people dont change? Please please ask yourself if you want your son to turn out like him and if not then why is he a suitable option for you?

@wibblewobblequack "you think you love him" " he is fundamentally a good person" "you don't want to leave" "you don't want your son to be from a broken home" "he will kick you and baby out if you say anything"

let me clear some things up for you. he absolutely without doubt does NOT love you. you are useful and convenient. he is giving more money to his Ex in child maintainance than to you. and you know he can kick you out at anytime I.e. he does not give two shits about you, forget love. when the time comes, do you think he will think twice before dropping you in an instant for someone else? then you won't have a choice, you'll have to go...

I've read countless threads on here by women dumped after many years, with nothing to show for it. emotionally and physically drained by low level continuous abuse. they give just enough and hold back the abuse just enough so the women don't leave. you are in that situation.

he is not a good person. he is total fucking cunt. please get that through your head. there is a saying judge someone by how they treat those who depend on them and those at socioeconomical disadvantage to them.

if not for yourself, do it for your son. he probably already picks up that his sister is preferred, this will only get worse and eventually cause him lifelong issues (seen it in practice with my own eyes).

don't think about leaving yet. just open your eyes and see him for who he is. that's the first step.

Your name needs to be on the deeds ASAP fuck him and his guilt trip.

Tell him you'll stop paying half the bills and in their place use this money for d.s amd food shops as these seem to be the issues.

Or sit there and do individual budgets show him and tell him that while he lives lavish you and your son cannot he may need a snap back to reality with lower earnings.

Any chance he resents the private school fees ?

Have you sat down together and looked at your individual incomings and outgoings, so you can say look I am paying x % of what I get and you are paying x % of what you’re getting. Have you asked specifically why he won’t support his child’s development by helping financially?

my mum stayed in her toxic marriage because she wanted us siblings to benefit from our fathers money. it turned her totally psycho and then she ended up ruining our lives by taking her anger out on us.

no nice house is worth this.