DP doesn't help with baby costs?

[wibblewobblequack]

Hi

I've been with my DP for 8 years. He has a 13 year old DD from a previous relationship and we have one DS together and he is 2. He wasn't planned not sure if it's relevant.

We live together, his DD is with us 5 nights in every 14. He has been split up from DSD mum since she was 2 and rightly has always paid maintenance.

My AIBU is we now have a child together. The house we live in is DP name. He has a much better paying job than me, over 100k and I earn 30k.

I pay half of all bills and for food shopping but DP won't let me pay towards mortgage.

I pay for DS childcare so I can work, I have not a lot left over. Things are very tight.

DP pays maintenance above CMS level to DSD, and DSD also attends private school at a cost of 2.5k a month roughly which DP pays for. DSD mum had a similar job to me and earns similar from what I understand.

I think it's great that he does this for his DD and that he's in a position to, when we first met I thought it was so much more attractive then a man trying to dodge paying for the child.

But I can't help but feel our DS isn't being treated the same as DSD. It now feels like he's trying to dodge paying anything for OUR child. DP doesn't give me even a penny towards any activities, clothing, nursery etc for DS.

He says that he puts a roof over our head and that's enough, and that it's fair?

I've asked about if in his head he's planning to do the same with private school in future for our DS but he's quite vague.

AIBU to feel like my DS is being treated unfairly?

I came from a broken home and I don't want the same for my son
This arsehole doesn't appear to love or value either you or his son.
And, just for fun, you both get to see in close up technicolour how much he does love and value his eldest child.
This is already a broken home, OP.
Please get out before your son is old enough to see it for himself. It will be shattering for him.

Your DS comes from a broken home.
His father is driving his mother further and further into debt because he refuses to contribute to the care of his son.
His father having benefited significantly from financial support from mother is now refusing to reciprocate.
His father is deliberately creating an insecure financial future for his mother.
There isn't currently much worth saving here OP.

As it stands he could literally throw you out on the street tomorrow and you would have no right to stay in his house.

You are incredibly vulnerable financially. You need to start saving like mad to give yourself a contingency plan.

But if you want to stay you need to explain that you can't continue to contribute financially at the level you have been because you're going further in debt.
Your partner can't actually take your money so explain you simply can't afford it.
Explain what you can afford and pay that.

He kinda makes out that it's my own fault and I should be aiming to earn more etc.

So it all falls to me.

I am studying for my masters so I hope it gets better from there.

I try and take DS out and do little activities, forest school, things like that with him. I can't really afford the activities but DP says it's my choice.

If I cut back maybe I wouldn't have the debt?

I don't know if I said this but I also get the family food shop. Although if I asked DP to pop to the shops he would pay.

Living in a 'broken home' is much, much worse than being from one, OP. Staying with this user is your choice. Your son doesn't have one, and he will grow up realising that his father favours his other child. He won't have asked for that, either. But it will stay with him. Because these things do, and they change who a child is and who he grows up to be in the world.

I'm bowing out because this is upsetting. Good luck. Genuinely.

I'm afraid your home is already broken. Completely and utterly.

No op. Fundamentally, he is a vile, abusive, selfish, greedy man who has never loved you. Sorry op, but you need to realise this and find your anger. He has treated you appallingly, and he knows it, he's just hoping you don't realise it.

On to the fix now. You have to start saving. Probably quietly. Please believe us when we say he knows full well how much he is gaining and how little you are, and is 100% lying when he says you have a good deal. You haven't. It's plain as day to all of us not emotionally invested.

He can have no argument to not paying half childcare. Save that.

Ge can have no argument to not pay half of babies stuff. Save that.

When your ds gets his free hours, plus you'll get your £1.2k maintenance someone upthread worked out, you'll get child benefit, plus whatever savings you've got, you'll be fine.

Be prepared for him waving you a cheery bye op, sorry but forewarned is forearmed, he has got 2 properties out of you, and the childcare for his dd done up to age of not needing it. In fact, he might do it first.

Says 13

You are a free nanny, housekeeper and cook and he is not paying for your son. I dont understand what you are getting out of this relationship. Just leave as he wont change and youll be better off

If you cut back on forest school maybe you'll have less debt??

I mean, if he contributed half of the costs of having a child you wouldn't be in debt either.

I agree with this.

If your deal is that you split bills then he needs to pay half of nursery fees. You need to try and get a higher paid job.

I would also try to keep him sweet for now and see if he will marry you. I'm not sure why he'd agree to this but you can convince him it'd be romantic etc. even if you elope with just your kids. This will protect you financially.

Assuming he doesn't go for 50/50 custody which he is entitled to

Fine, then at the point you are earning as much as him then you should pay as much as him. But while you're progressing towards that goal, he should be paying more.

And yes, it's ridiculous that you're paying for the food shop for the entire family.

He can't actually make you pay all this, can he?

Just start paying what's actually fair so you have at least a fighting chance of not sinking deeper into debt.

Send him food shopping.

Read you last post back - this is disgusting - your son is living in a broken home with his dad not providing for him and his mother being financially abused!

Just read your updates. OP, you are already making excuses for not leaving. Thats sad as he is using you. I bet if you left today, he would just let you walk. He is the one with all the cards. You have no claim in the house, and you are doing chores and looking after his daughter. HE is saving money because of you
He does not even spend time with your son. Why are you with him?!!

Jesus christ are we still living in an era that views childcare as a womans expense? This is not a family. He doesnt value you or see you as a partner. He got you pregnant and didnt want to have 2 lots of maintenance to pay. Hes got a house and a flat, you've given yours up. Hes got both his kids being looked after and you paying above and beyond on the bills and babysitting duties.

So if he's making out like you don't trust him etc ask him what happens to the house if he dies? Is there a will? Is there life insurance? Are you the beneficiary of the life insurance?
He said he'd put you on the deeds. Has he done this yet?

OP says he works long hours so he wont do that, I guess

It's all making sense now. So you got yourself pregnant? Immaculate conception was it? 🙄

How can childcare fall solely to you? How is your son's wellbeing only your responsibility. I can't get my head around this at all!

I'm glad you're working on bettering yourself and your career. Will stand you in better stead to tell him to go fuck himself!

How are you paying half bills, all childcare, the food shop, all clothes and activities on £30k!

There are countless threads on here where women have got themselves into this same mess by not getting married or taking on all the costs of the shared child. It’s too late for your situation OP but I wish they would teach this in schools! At least you haven’t given up work. But you’d be better off leaving him and claiming maintenance.

Anyone is entitled to that doesnt mean he will do it or be given it.

I do feel like a housekeeper but maybe I've made it too easy for him?

He never went for 50/50 of DSD so I'm not sure if he would for DS.

I'm not sure he would really want to at all. I had an optician appointment recently and he huffed about watching DS even though he was home anyway, so I took DS with me.

He seems to not like to be alone with DS with proper responsibility, and as I said he works long hours. But he's not cruel to him or anything like that, if we are all in the house together and DS is pottering about, playing etc he does interact with him.

I would take to your local authority domestic abuse one stop shop. He is financially (and verbally I think too) abusing you so you have every right to. They can advise you on your options- if you leave him perhaps you're entitled to universal credit to help with housing as well as child benefit and the child maintenance he'll have to pay - depending on where you live you might also be able to get a council or social housing house which you could eventually buy when you save up again. You might be financially a lot better off leaving him. And your son can still visit his father and half sister.

What's actually loveable about this man who financially abuses you and the best you can say about his relationship with his son is that he isn't cruel to him?

@Duckling89 I do most of my shopping for DS on vinted. I never buy anything for myself.

Main food shop I do at aldi. I cook all from scratch. My car is cheap to run luckily! If we run out and I ask DP to pop to the shops he will.

I try and pick cheap activities for DS. I'm just slowly creeping into debt though.

He won't give me any more towards Christmas presents.

He often says that if I need something "just ask". But if I have ever mentioned money in the past or needing thinks for DS he gets huffy and puffy and reverts to the "I'm putting a roof over our heads" thing.