Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

[2828r]

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

Child fell, child had injury, child was taken for medical attention. IF there was a serious injury the hospital would have contacted you asap. There obviously wasn’t.
“Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury”
Thats the medical staff’s job to spot. You know, the job they’re trained to do.

Sounds like you’re looking for drama where there isn’t any.

Sorry I also think this is drama - you have told them in future you would want to know asap...job done. They might have been over cautious taking her - some people might not have and told you about the accident on exchange of the children. It was triage's job to establish your daughter had fainted and then check her out thoroughly which they seem to have done.

If you’ve told them that you’d rather be disturbed than not know if there is an accident then YANBU to be disappointed they didn’t. If they just didn’t know that’s how you felt then YABU to make it a big thing.
Honestly though if you simply can’t trust anyone else’s judgement of what’s best for your daughter including your own parents I can’t help but think you are going to have a super challenging time in a few years when she’s making all the decisions by herself

Surely, as others have said, you’d just say ‘Please ring either me or dw, if this happens again’, @2828r. They were doing their best to look after your dd and to be considerate of you and your dw. Nothing bad happened, there were no adverse consequences, so de-escalating the situation would be a much, much better response than going nuclear.

This. YABVU. I’m sure had the situation been more serious, they would have contacted you immediately. As is, they got your dd checked over and informed you she was fine.

Do either of dc have phones?

Honestly though if you simply can’t trust anyone else’s judgement of what’s best for your daughter including your own parents I can’t help but think you are going to have a super challenging time in a few years when she’s making all the decisions by herself

On the contrary, I'm actually looking forward to her maturing to the degree she is able to make her own decisions.

I'd have expect a phone call if not on way there or when there waiting though at 14 that could have come from the teen if conscious as well.

Having said that - they weren't hiding it from you and told you when she was dropped off - unless you think you wanting to be told sooner won't be respected next time I chalk it up to one of those things.

I would be irked by anyone bringing my daughter home and hour late without calling. My family are completely hopeless at time keeping and are always late without letting you know. I have lost years looking at a ticking clock waiting for them. It's rude and inconsiderate although they are not generally rude and inconsiderate people.

I would be irked is someone talk my daughter to a Dr without me too. She has health issues and on various high dose medication not licenced for her age group and I would want to make sure they had an appropriate history. Grandparents know the top line but they don't know the details of the medication or if they have had any changes to the medication

That said by the time my older sister was 16 (me 9 and youngest 7) we took ourselves to a &e!! It seems crazy that this was ok and wasn't flagged by anyone!

I don't understand why you're looking for ulterior motives. It seems perfectly reasonable enough that they didn't think it was serious enough to disturb the parents while the mother slept, rather than insinuate that this obviously caring parent is somehow unapproachable.

I agree with everyone that has advised OP to have a simple conversation with their parents and move on.

I also agree that @ThePineapplePrincess is being ridiculous.

I'm surprised at the poll results. Do 50% of mostly mums really not think they should be told if their child is taken to A&E?

I don’t see how they’ve done anything that awful tbh.

I've been a permanent homeworker.

So why didn't they contact YOU? You've repeatedly said your wife is a nightworker so that was the reason they didn't call her but you haven't explained why not you.

There seems to be quite a lot of anxiety in your second post OP and I wonder if that is impacting your judgment a little?

It isn't particularly notable to have to take dc to a&e, children are often accident prone. While you have been lucky to avoid this up to now either having to take them occasionally or not isn't indicative of the quality of care they are receiving.

Your dd is of the age that even with ADHD learning some natural consequences of not looking after herself may actually be useful for her in the long term.

If they had brought them back on time , having had an accident and not gone to a and e, you would have had reason to complain. Do dc know what medications they take and potential side effects? If not perhaps you need to put this in place for future.

I would be irked is someone talk my daughter to a Dr without me too. She has health issues and on various high dose medication not licenced for her age group and I would want to make sure they had an appropriate history. Grandparents know the top line but they don't know the details of the medication or if they have had any changes to the medication

Fortunately we've always taught them to be able to list the medications they are on and what they are for. As you can imagine we've had lots of medical appointments over the years so the kids are quite confident in explaining what meds they are on, but she is not particularly confident in articulating or clearly being able to explain the cause of the problem. She was pretty freaked out by the fainting as she has never experienced it before. She told us later through floods of tears that she thought she was dying when it all went black then white.

I would be irked is someone talk my daughter to a Dr without me too. She has health issues and on various high dose medication not licenced for her age group and I would want to make sure they had an appropriate history. Grandparents know the top line but they don't know the details of the medication or if they have had any changes to the medication

I suspect this is behind OP concerns as well - though a even young 14 year old should have a good idea of what medication she is on why and most of her medical history.

DS pre secondary knew his meds and triggers and many of his friends with various conditions did as well.

Seriously. What a lot drama for nothing! Your/wife's parents were responsible. They are experienced with looking after children because you/your wife are alive, no? They clearly had worked out that your daughter wasn't seriously injured (and were justified by health staff) and didn't know what your wishes were. Now they do and will act accordingly in future.

You sound frankly overly dramatic and ungrateful to boot.

I am not looking forward to being a GP. The presumption, lack of give and take and entitlement I've seen on MN over the years is off-putting in the extreme.

Though I hasten to add, I sincerely hope my children will be more gracious as parents.

This.

Seriously stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

I couldn’t get worked up about this. They were just getting her checked out. I’m sure if it was more serious they would have rang. They did what they thought was best. It’s fine though for you to say if it happens in the future you’d like to be informed straight away.

It was the way the OP replied that made me wonder.

She's 14! YABU. No wonder she started crying when all this drama ramped up once she was home.

Fortunately we've always taught them to be able to list the medications they are on and what they are for. As you can imagine we've had lots of medical appointments over the years so the kids are quite confident in explaining what meds they are on, but she is not particularly confident in articulating or clearly being able to explain the cause of the problem. She was pretty freaked out by the fainting as she has never experienced it before. She told us later through floods of tears that she thought she was dying when it all went black then white.

This is good practise - and I do get why you are concern it is a lot to get listen to when younger and being ill on top.

This is just a communication issue - and I suspect it's misplace fear and worry that making you focus on GP actions though I'd have expect a phone call but can follow the logic in waiting till they knew what the situation actually was.

OP, I can understand how you feel, especially with your children's complex health needs, but don't think your parents did anything awful. I don't think you need to debate the rights and wrongs with them.
Simply set those guardrails for the future.

"If X,Y,or Z happens with the kids, I want you to phone me immediately."

When you give them clear guidelines , if they don't then respect these, you have a problem. But I don't see the problem until then.