Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

[2828r]

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

YANBU. I am a grandparent that looks after my grandchildren every week. The children’s parents would be the first to know if they had had an accident.

I think they should have told you, but I don't think it's a huge problem.

If they hadn't told you at all then obviously massive issue, but they told you when they got home so you had all relevant information/could look out futher symptoms etc.

I don't think it needs anything more, than 'we appreciate you thinking of us, but we'd really like to know asap if anything like this happens in future'.

I can see your point but I think if it were me I’d judge the intention, not the action.

Presumably they knew it wasn’t bad and was an only precautionary check and made that judgement.

Your parents should've called your wife.

Having said that, people often get flustered and react in strange ways when there's a potential "emergency". They worry about asking someone to feed the cat while they're gone, apologise for troubling the blood-covered paramedics...

Deciding that things aren't bad enough to wake someone on night shift, probably as an unconscious form of reassuring themselves that the accident wasn't "that bad", isn't the craziest thing someone has done.

It didn't cause any harm, they erred on the side of caution and got her checked over. A doctor insisting on a parent coming to hospital would almost certainly have resulted in a phone call.

By all means, when things are calmer, say to mum and dad "just so you know, in future, DW or myself would like a phone call if the kids ever need to go to hospital again, we don't care what we're doing at the time".

Sounds like they had the right intentions but totally wrong not to let you know straight away.

I would expect any other carer, nursery, school or even the childs other parent to inform us of something like this asap too. They definately should have informed you first.

Extreme reaction much?

Is there a reason you weren't contactable? Just wondering why the focus is on your wife

Just tell them you would prefer to know at the time if it ever happens again. They were trying to be considerate of your wife and prioritised your DD getting seen over phoning. You would rather have known. Nothing bad happened. Move on.

@ThePineapplePrincess

i see we are almost out of grips.

they took her to A & E they didn't force her back onto the ice!!

Of course you are not unreasonable, this is your daughter. All they had to do was call you and tell you what was happening. I had to take my nephew once but I called my sister first to check she wanted him to go, and I kept her constantly updated. I would never have dreamt of taking him without contacting her.

This is what happens when you have others looking after your DC - if you can't accept their judgement then you just decline the offer of childcare.

This.

My ex and his partner were having our grandson, a toddler, for a night or two then he was due to come to me. Grandson had been jumping around and knocked his front tooth out - much blood! They took him to A&E - all OK, apart from minus a tooth! Next day they brought him to me - he was lisping when he spoke but was perfectly fine.

Later that day my son came to pick him up and I gently explained there had been an incident - and it wasn't on my watch!

Ex and partner hadn't told my son and DIL - said they didn't want to worry them, so left it to me!

All's well that ends well

I can understand why they didn't contact your wife but whats the reasoning behind not contacting YOU?

I doubt I would have contacted my adult children until I had more information to give tbh. A fall is a fall.

Stop.making stuff up if they were hiding things the wouldn't be taking a child to A&E
And they did inform the parents when they dropped the children off they didnt hide it ,all that's needed is a conversation that in future to let the parents know at the earliest opportunity.

Same thing happened with me and I was so grateful they used their judgement as they knew it was just a precaution and
If anything serious they would have called from the hospital. They knew I would have left work and ran there when no need until I know if it's serious. That's just me and you're entitled to feel how you feel but just don't go too hard on them when they did what they thought was best

Nobody needs your permission to treat your child, they would do so in their best interests.

Huh? And what would you have done if your sister said no, kept the kid you thought was ill enough for hospital at your house?! You call to say you're taking someone to A&E rather than ask, surely?

As she's just bruised and a bit shaken it mustn't have seemed that serious, and just a precaution to take her to A&E. but as they were back late I'd have called from the hospital to explain why. But I'd not have rushed to call you as soon as I'd decided to take her - only if it looked serious.

Confession time - I’ve done this. Hear me out.

I was looking after nephew who was 3.5 at the time. My DSis and BIL, for reasons I won’t share in specifics, had had a REALLY rough few years with illnesses, house problems, losses of family and friends etc. they hadn’t been on a date night in 2 years. They booked one, booked me for childcare and were so excited - they booked a concert they had been wanting to see for ages.

I waved them off then an hour later DNephew wanders up to me and said “Aunty Trish I put Lego up my nose”. I couldn’t get it out for love nor money and 111 said I’d have to go to A&E. which I did - 5 hours and 4 attempts later at removing the Lego, it was FINALLY dislodged (DN put up a hell of a fight and there is apparently no standard tool for picking Lego out of little boy’s noses so they had to try all sorts without sedating him).

Theres no way I was gonna pull them from their night out they’d looked forward to and deserved. It was not a big deal and it would be sorted. There was nothing their presence could do anyway except perhaps make DN more agitated.

When I told them the next day they were absolutely fine and said they’d have ended up not enjoying their night has they known.

As an aside how old is your DD OP?

This ^^

@2828r
They did what they did trying to be considerate and you shouldn't be falling out with them over it. As KnowYouAreLoved says, just tell them kindly that you appreciate what they did but if there is a next time, you would rather be contacted at the time. No need for any fall out with them at all

I'd just be glad they'd taken her and that she was ok. I'd expect them to let me know if it was more serious or if there was a long wait.

Ideally they should have told you as soon as they could, but they had what they considered to be valid reasons for not doing so.

The important thing is that they got her checked out promptly. They didn't dither, they took her to A&E.

I would suck this up gracefully, but say next time, can you let us know sooner.

I understand the immediate shock and worry of your daughter being at A&E, without your knowledge. However, it sounds like the gp were doing their best, for both your daughter and yourselves. Given your child is fine, and they took her to get checked over, I voted YABU. It sounds like they took immediate medical action, rightfully so. I think they deserve appreciation, better to get it done asap, than wait around for you to pick up and then decide etc. Since you disagree, just causally let them know. “Oh thank you so much for getting her seen. If it happens again, don’t worry about disturbing either of us, I’d rather us know immediately.”

As many have said before just tell them you would prefer to know at once in future.
Why would you want to make a drama out of this?

The children were due home at 1.30 and were brought home at 2.30, so it sounds like this was ongoing over just a short duration. And your Dd was clinically assessed and fine.

It’s not like they kept your children for 6 hours and didn’t update you at all.
I would let it go.

"What else are they hiding because they think it’s best?"

Oh FGS, either they are trusted or they are not. They may have made a mistake in the timing of not telling the OP, but they didn't hide it.

I agree with pp who've said OP can be clear that from now on you should be told without delay. But I can't see how you'll ever resolve this with your parents. Agree to disagree. I think YABU.