Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

352 replies

2828r · 23/11/2023 13:40

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

OP posts:
sittinginacafe · 27/11/2023 16:05

I don’t get why your parents didn’t just call you?? Not calling your wife seems reasonable but why not call you?

MollyRover · 27/11/2023 16:35

Going through a similar situation OP and I don't think you're BU at all. GPs are not their parents, you and your wife are and they are not entitled to make decisions on your behalf. If my DCs GPs took them to hospital without telling me immediately I would be furious. I completely understand your DDs upset and fear and need for comfort from her parents. Most GPs just don't have that parental bond that's needed in such a situation, especially considering the back story.

Catsmere · 27/11/2023 19:31

sittinginacafe · 27/11/2023 16:05

I don’t get why your parents didn’t just call you?? Not calling your wife seems reasonable but why not call you?

This is a question OP seemingly has no intention of answering. Or maybe already has, with this high drama and drip feed about DD’s history, medical issues and GPs giving her presents.

Passepartoute · 28/11/2023 08:33

MollyRover · 27/11/2023 16:35

Going through a similar situation OP and I don't think you're BU at all. GPs are not their parents, you and your wife are and they are not entitled to make decisions on your behalf. If my DCs GPs took them to hospital without telling me immediately I would be furious. I completely understand your DDs upset and fear and need for comfort from her parents. Most GPs just don't have that parental bond that's needed in such a situation, especially considering the back story.

If they have been left in charge of the children then yes, they are entitled to make decisions about the children, indeed they have to. Who else is going to decide what to give them to eat, for instance? As for "upset and fear", OP's DD was, in OP's own words, "a little bruised and shaken". Furthermore, at 14 OP's daughter is entitled to make decisions about her own medical care.

Hankunamatata · 28/11/2023 08:47

My bio children are adhders and I have 10 year old on 64mg and teens are on 72mg of methylphenidate so I get where you are coming from.
They sound like grandparents who care and want to help. I'd try to swallow down the anger and have acalm discussion again about informing you if these things happen.
I'd also look at adhd meds - we have found guafacine useful in combination with methylphenidate

MollyRover · 28/11/2023 09:22

@Passepartoute the decision that was made on their behalf was that the parents needed or didn't need to know that the child was going to hospital, not going to hospital in the first place- that's what I would take issue with. If you read the rest of the OPs posts it's clear that these children might have additional support needs in this situation and that the GPs don't take that seriously at the best of times.

Passepartoute · 28/11/2023 16:10

MollyRover · 28/11/2023 09:22

@Passepartoute the decision that was made on their behalf was that the parents needed or didn't need to know that the child was going to hospital, not going to hospital in the first place- that's what I would take issue with. If you read the rest of the OPs posts it's clear that these children might have additional support needs in this situation and that the GPs don't take that seriously at the best of times.

But she didn't need extra support, so the grandparents judged it correctly. Perhaps they're more competent than OP gives them credit for.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 28/11/2023 16:18

I’m on the fence. I understand you wanting to know, I’d probably want to know too but at the same time I can see why they didn’t, even if misguided it came from a good place. Ultimately they got your daughter treatment when she needed it and if it were more serious I’m sure you would have been called. I don’t think its something I could get too wound up about.

IvorTheEngineDriver · 28/11/2023 16:29

A trip to A&E following a minor fall at a skate park is nothing. YABU.

Starzinsky · 28/11/2023 16:41

Seems like a bit of an issue about nothing.

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 16:54

BIWI · 23/11/2023 13:44

What could you have done, though? If parental consent was needed, then they would have contacted you then. In the meantime, they were thinking about your daughter's immediate needs, as well as trying to be considerate of you.

Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury

... and surely the medical staff at A&E know this?

YABVVU

Well clearly the medical staff didn't know as the child only mentioned the fainting later to the parents. So not so vvu

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 16:54

HappyHamsters · 23/11/2023 13:46

Poor gp cannot do right, they took your dc to hospital, they didn't want to worry your wife, perhaps you can direct your anger at the hospital who should have contacted you. I assume the doctors checked for any injuries. Hold old is your daughter, are you taking her to the doctor if she did faint .

If they didn't want to worry the wide why didn't they call the OP. Their own son????

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 16:56

PizzaPastaWine · 23/11/2023 13:49

Where were you at the time OP?

I'm sure in those circumstances my parents would have done the same and I would have had no issue with it.

If parental responsibility was required then I'm sure your wife would have had a call.

This is what happens when you have others looking after your DC - if you can't accept their judgement then you just decline the offer of childcare.

Why in God's name is everyone saying they would have called the wife if necessary? Why are you not assuming they would call the OP? Their own child

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 16:59

@LuvSmallDogs Your parents should've called your wife.
Am I living in a parallel universe???? Why is everyone saying the OPs parents should have called their wife? Why not call the OP? My brain is hurting from confusion about why people seem so convinced that the wife is the one to be called.

PizzaPastaWine · 28/11/2023 19:01

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 16:56

Why in God's name is everyone saying they would have called the wife if necessary? Why are you not assuming they would call the OP? Their own child

Show quote history

Calm down @drowninginjelly

Read my post again and you will see I was questioning the OPs whereabouts because his post inferred that the DW was the only parent available.

At that point he did not make it known that he was wfh.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 28/11/2023 19:06

YABU. The grandparents looks after your kids and make the effort to ensure your child is ok by taking them to A&E. You sound ungrateful and don't deserve good grandparents tbh! Yes, they should be let you know but I assume they were preoccupied. Smh.

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 19:06

@PizzaPastaWine even if he was at work I would expect my own parent to contact me if my child was being taken to a&e. I'm not sure what difference it makes whether the OP wfh or outside the home

PizzaPastaWine · 28/11/2023 19:30

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 19:06

@PizzaPastaWine even if he was at work I would expect my own parent to contact me if my child was being taken to a&e. I'm not sure what difference it makes whether the OP wfh or outside the home

@drowninginjelly You're not getting it. When I wrote this response I had NO IDEA that the OP was wfh at the time - that's why I asked about his whereabouts.

He could've been down a mine shaft, an oil rig or on a stag weekend in Bendorm at the time. Who knows?! Anyhow, the moment has now passed.

This isn't a male/female/mum/dad thing so don't try to make it one.

drowninginjelly · 28/11/2023 19:35

@PizzaPastaWine 'we were expecting the kids back by...' kind of suggests OPvwas not on an oil rig in the North Sea don't ya think?

And regardless of your position in this, so so many people have gone down the route of 'they should have called your wife' or ' they didn't want to disturb your wife' and I very much doubt all those posters assumed weirdly that the OP was on a camel ride in Uzbekistan

Catsmere · 28/11/2023 20:00

OP said to begin with his (?) parents said they didn't call DW because of her just coming off night shifts. At no point has OP said why they didn't call him. People have been asking all through the thread.

Original poster
2828r · 30/11/2023 15:26

Ive no idea why they didn't call me. The incident happened at around 12:30 mid day.I was at home, I had been all night, The wife had come back from nights and generally sleeps until 1:30pm post nights. My phone is always beside me. The reason the daughter didn't call me is because GM tends to take her phone off her. I think the thing that annoyed me the most was that when they turned up their first words were to make light of it. They described her as having a delboy moment (you know like back through the bar). She was clearly shaken by it having never fainted before. There was a reason for her fainting but from her point of view her grandparents just put it down to clumsiness, had taken her phone so she couldn't text. We had a good few tears about it from her. She is a very young 14 and as I say, doesn't volunteer things easily, sometimes it needs to be coached out of her. I get this debate has ended up fairly even but they fall firmly on the side they didn't think it was important to tell me they'd gone to A&E. I still think they should. Very interesting to hear different opinions

OP posts:
Tourmalines · 30/11/2023 18:16

people have told you WHY they thought they didn’t call you. They didn’t even know she fainted either .

Mommywomb · 30/11/2023 18:52

2828r · 30/11/2023 15:26

Ive no idea why they didn't call me. The incident happened at around 12:30 mid day.I was at home, I had been all night, The wife had come back from nights and generally sleeps until 1:30pm post nights. My phone is always beside me. The reason the daughter didn't call me is because GM tends to take her phone off her. I think the thing that annoyed me the most was that when they turned up their first words were to make light of it. They described her as having a delboy moment (you know like back through the bar). She was clearly shaken by it having never fainted before. There was a reason for her fainting but from her point of view her grandparents just put it down to clumsiness, had taken her phone so she couldn't text. We had a good few tears about it from her. She is a very young 14 and as I say, doesn't volunteer things easily, sometimes it needs to be coached out of her. I get this debate has ended up fairly even but they fall firmly on the side they didn't think it was important to tell me they'd gone to A&E. I still think they should. Very interesting to hear different opinions

Again, they made light of it because THEY DIDN’T KNOW about fainting! And as it goes, it is taken lightly everywhere when a child falls with no major injuries- shaken or not!
also, if this is so serious for you, did you ask why they didn’t call you?also tell them plz call YOU next time as you’re always home and would like to know asap!

also children tend to behave differently in different circumstances- do you know if she had a few tears and was very shaken when she was with GP? Might be, might not be!

also, when children are asked ‘oh did you have a fall, I know it hurts, tell me where it hurt, how did you fall etc.’ they get very teary and emotional, that’s why when even normal kids are running and let’s say fell, parents tend to ignore if they know it’s not a serious one, and the child will be up and running with the same speed in a second or five but if you tend to be more emotional, DC also get very emotional. Not saying this is case with your children that ignore things when they clearly have medical conditions…

Thesearmsofmine · 30/11/2023 21:23

2828r · 30/11/2023 15:26

Ive no idea why they didn't call me. The incident happened at around 12:30 mid day.I was at home, I had been all night, The wife had come back from nights and generally sleeps until 1:30pm post nights. My phone is always beside me. The reason the daughter didn't call me is because GM tends to take her phone off her. I think the thing that annoyed me the most was that when they turned up their first words were to make light of it. They described her as having a delboy moment (you know like back through the bar). She was clearly shaken by it having never fainted before. There was a reason for her fainting but from her point of view her grandparents just put it down to clumsiness, had taken her phone so she couldn't text. We had a good few tears about it from her. She is a very young 14 and as I say, doesn't volunteer things easily, sometimes it needs to be coached out of her. I get this debate has ended up fairly even but they fall firmly on the side they didn't think it was important to tell me they'd gone to A&E. I still think they should. Very interesting to hear different opinions

But in your OP you clearly say that they didn’t know about the fainting and that you only found out later on.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

So as far as the grandparents were aware it was just a clumsy moment and wasn’t a serious incident given that she was absolutely fine. Don’t most people make light of a clumsy fall where no serious injury occurs?

Catsmere · 30/11/2023 21:31

Sounds like you're digging for reasons to blame your parents for things outside their control, OP. Have you asked them why they didn't ring you? Could it be because they didn't want the sort of drama you're making here?

Swipe left for the next trending thread