Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

[2828r]

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

But was the accident serious enough to warrant a trip to a&e? It sounds as though they were being a bit over-cautious, probably because he's their grandchild rather than their child. And anyway, you found out a mere hour later, its not like you were kept in the dark for days.

@ThePineapplePrincess

they didn't HIDE anything. They told them as soon as they got her home. She hurt her leg she wasn't incredibly ill.

stop being such a drama queen. Honestly.

Grandparents were in the wrong here. They should have considered that your daughter would have wanted one or both of her parents there. I would be incredibly unhappy that they didn't think to tell me about something like that until they brought my child home.

If I was them I'd tell you to take care of your own bloody kids. Plenty of others seem to manage it. They were seeing to her immediately needs whilst also being considerate of your wife. Their first priority was the welfare of their grandchild. Had parental consent been needed for any treatment then at that point they would have likely called you.

I would make a point of saying that you would prefer to be contacted no matter what and then thank them for acting quickly.

God yes. Stupid untrustworthy old people. Fancy them giving free childcare to their son and his wife who are working, and spending their time doing activities with grandchildren whom they obviously love. And taking them to hospital after a minor accident! And trying to be considerate and not worry anyone unnecessarily - I mean, WTAF? I’d be going NC with the bastards after that.

Or you could just do what @KnowYouAreLoved says, OP, and de-escalate a situation that has been handled with no harm done and was never meant to cause distress to you in the first place.

Unless there’s some massive backstory about to land about your relationship with your parents, surely a proportionate response is to just ask them to let you know asap if anything like it ever happens again?

Just tell them your expectations for if it happens again and move on.

You ask them to look after your child you need to trust their judgement calls in situations like this, for better or worse. What are they to do in future, wait for you to give them the ok. What if they haven't got time or oppertunity.

If someone is looking after my children they 100% have the authority to make decisions in my absence and if that includes not telling me straight away because they are dealing with it, then so be it.

If I decide A&E is necessary then, yes, absolutely I'd advise the parent(s) of what was happening.

So why didn't they call you?
Did they fear your reaction?

This sounds very odd. You'd think they would have called you on the way or as soon as they arrived.

I think you should not be furious , their intent was good . Just let them know if something as this happen that you need to be informed .
No need for a massive drama

@2828r
You are right to be upset. Did anyone inform the treating physician about the fainting episode? Your parents should have called you promptly.

That said ,however, if I were your parents, I would no longer agree to keep your kids. Clearly you aren't on the same page with your understanding, and as the grandparent I would not want the drama or the responsibility. I would agree only to have the kids when either you or your wife could be present.

@ThePineapplePrincess I disagree, they took the child to a & e straight away, of course they looked after her. Their failure was non parental communication which surely just needs a chat about issues going forward.

YANBU. I would trust grandparents on both sides to make the right call re A&E and you take good care of my DC while there, but if my DC are in A&E I want to know about it.

I've been asked several times regarding her age, so I will add a little more information. She's 14, but a very young 14 in many respects. I wouldn't say she was necessarily Gillick competent. Both her and her younger brother have pretty severe ADHD and they don't function safely without medication (To the extent he's on 72mg of Xagittin which is above BNF guidelines.) At the time of the incident she was on 45mg which has been increased to 54mg as of Monday and is making a notable difference for her. The fainting incident is because she's also on slow release Oxybutynin for enuresis and tends to overheat. The combination of the being undermedicated on Xagittin and the side effect of Oxybutynin means she tends to layer up and needs to be reminded to dress appropriately for the weather/physical exercise, She was wearing a heavy Wooley jumper when she went out to stay over and took it with her to the skate park. We've never had an incident of her fainting in the 10 years since we adopted them both and the only trips to a&e we've ever needed to have have been after my son bumped his head 3 times in one day at school. Many many close calls before we got medication and having to watch them like a hawk but thankfully no a&e trips.

@EnjoythemoneyJane Incorrect. He wasn’t working and he doesn’t l need them as childcare.

They are your parents , so they could have contacted you. How old are dc? The pp who suggested hospital should have contacted parent's clearly has not visited a hospital recently. The gps will probably have reassured staff that they would handle it. Doctors rarely phone relatives ime and not if the patient is accompanied.

This really isn't much of an issue.

You’re right, they should have contacted you. However, it seems the decision not to was made from a place of kindness and I think a simple “in future please do let us know, we’d rather be disturbed” would have been satisfactory.

Your points about how it could have been worse, there could have been internal injuries etc are mute given that the GP did take her to A&E. I can completely see why they didn’t think to contact you in the moment.

Can't believe how many people are voting YABU! You're not disappointed that they took them to A&E, just disappointed that they didn't let a parent know. I'd absolutely want to know of my child was in A&E, because I'm their bloody parent!

I wouldn't be angry at them. It's done now anyway, but I'd absolutely mention it so they know going forward that if ever your child requires medical attention they of course should let a parent know.

Sounds like they did the right thing then.

I'm still wondering if they didn't call straight away because they were worried about your reaction?

They were being considerate. You have a different point of view. You are not being unreasonable. Make sure they know in future always to contact you your wife immediately if anything, however minor, happens to your children.

Given the info about their medication then they should have called you to take your kid to A&E

Suspect they panicked and felt worried that harm had come to the child under their watch and wanted to act quickly

Sound like no harm done but make them know your feelings for the future

OK, in light of your recent update, you are absolutely being unreasonable.

I agree they should have told the parents, but this is laughably over-the-top

I think they were trying to be considerate. Instead of being angry I would just reiterate that you would like to be called even if it was in the middle of the night.
You say 'you've never had any a and e trips'. It does come across as if you are /would've judged your parents because she fell under their care. They probably knew that?