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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grandparents took my daughter to A&E without letting us know

352 replies

2828r · 23/11/2023 13:40

Am, I being unreasonable? I'll just set out the facts. The kids stayed out at their grandparents last weekend and went to a skate park. My daughter fell down some stairs and hurt her leg.

My wife had just finished a run of night shifts and we were expecting the kids back around 1:30. When they turned up at 2:30 my parents said they had taken my daughter to A&E to have her checked out, but hadn't told us as my wife had just finished nights and they didn't want to worry her.

My daughter was fine, just a little bruised and shaken by the experience. We later found out from her that she had fainted which caused the fall. My parents weren't aware of the fainting incident and just thought she'd had a clumsy moment.

We feel that if a child is taken to A&E, we should know about it straight away as grandparents don't hold parental responsibility and can't consent to treatment if required. Although our daughter was fine, children present differently to adults and tend to compensate very well then suddenly deteriorate, she could easily have had some other internal injury.

This is a fundamental disagreement, my parents think they were being considerate with my wife having just finished nights. We feel it's more important to be informed if an incident is serious enough to warrant a trip to A&E

OP posts:
FallingAutumnLeaf · 23/11/2023 14:56

I'm surprised the hospital didn't push them to contact a parent.

DS1 got blue lighted to hospital. DH was 5000 miles away. They were very pushy that I contacted him, and really didn't like that I wouldn't until I knew either DS was fine or it was something serious, and DH needed a flight home.

Your parents made a call. You'd have prefered a different outcome. Talk to them.

DisquietintheRanks · 23/11/2023 14:57

On the contrary, I'm actually looking forward to her maturing to the degree she is able to make her own decisions.

Well on this occasion she managed without you with the support of her grandparents. Or was she begging for you to be called?

Jk987 · 23/11/2023 14:57

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 13:46

YANBU and as a result they would not be having unsupervised contact again. They cannot be trusted to reliably look after your children.

Yup, regularly looking after them without a hitch and then taking them to A&E as a precaution is tantamount to abuse.Confused

Isittimeformynapyet · 23/11/2023 14:58

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/11/2023 14:49

I'm surprised at the poll results. Do 50% of mostly mums really not think they should be told if their child is taken to A&E?

No.

50% of responders think that the OP shouldn't be so angry that it causes conflict in the family.

Most have said that a conversation needs to be had before moving on in harmony.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 23/11/2023 14:58

LadyDanburysHat · 23/11/2023 14:26

Grandparents were in the wrong here. They should have considered that your daughter would have wanted one or both of her parents there. I would be incredibly unhappy that they didn't think to tell me about something like that until they brought my child home.

@LadyDanburysHat

not a universal truth. Lots of children are very close to their grandparents.

personally I loved my parents but there was no one better than my Nana!

User1343 · 23/11/2023 15:01

Some of the comments on here are fucking insane.

Of course they did the right thing in taking her to get seen by A&E. They totally should’ve let you know they were going though, especially since it sounds like you were about.

This is exactly what your daughter needed - speedy action and care - and they delivered it. As you say, taking chances on her being ok only to realise she really wasn’t, would’ve been poor judgement.

But they acted out of faultless judgment and got her seen in A&E.

Apart from the lack of comms (they were caught up in focussing on your daughter, which is what you would want them to be focussing on), I have no idea why you’re so churlishly asking this question.

ScattieHattie1 · 23/11/2023 15:05

Can't believe the vote is 50/50. Of course they should have told you. I wouldnt fall out with them about it though, I'd just casually say please inform us if anything like that happens again we would rather know. They had her best interests at heart that's the main thing.

GirrlCrush · 23/11/2023 15:06

Waiting for the next "why won't grandparents help out more" post

Can't win really can they!?

TheShoulder · 23/11/2023 15:11

I think you are overreacting.

I would assume they (correctly) thought she just had a bruised leg and no serious injuries but wanted to get it checked out to play it safe in case she had broken or sprained something. If they had known that she had fainted, maybe they should have called you, but they didn't... I don't think a bruise warrants waking up an exhausted parent, whereas a broken leg would, assuming your DD wasn't very upset or wanted you. I would probably have texted your DW to say that they had had a fall and just seemed bruised but I was going to take them to A&E anyway, then waited to see what triage said before deciding to call and wake her up. If they had known that she had fainted, maybe they should have called you, but they didn't...

They correctly assessed that it was nothing serious. A headache could be a sign of an aneurysm or meningitis but would you expect them to call you immediately if your DC had a headache? Or would you expect them to assess whether there were any other signs and symptoms that suggest whether your DC might be seriously ill or that they just had a mild common or garden headache before deciding to call you?

Just tell them that you'd rather they call you immediately next time.

Maxiedog123 · 23/11/2023 15:12

I understand why they didn't call your wife having just come off nightshift...
I don't understand why they didn't call you the other parent. " Hey Child's dad, daughter has just her leg , we think it's probably ok but are Taki g her to ED to get it checked out"

Given your daughter has 2 parents why the assumption that just your wife could be called?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 23/11/2023 15:13

OP, you sound quite overbearing in your posts. These are not stupid people, they are either your parents or your wife's. Accord them with the sense they had to take your daughter to A&E.

They could have informed you at the hospital but they didn't, the reasons they gave aren't good enough for you. Fair enough, I'm sure you put them straight.

I hope you didn't come over to them as you have here, for your children's sake and future relationship with their grandparents.

x2boys · 23/11/2023 15:14

FallingAutumnLeaf · 23/11/2023 14:56

I'm surprised the hospital didn't push them to contact a parent.

DS1 got blue lighted to hospital. DH was 5000 miles away. They were very pushy that I contacted him, and really didn't like that I wouldn't until I knew either DS was fine or it was something serious, and DH needed a flight home.

Your parents made a call. You'd have prefered a different outcome. Talk to them.

That's an entirely different situation
When my son was critically ill earlier this year the hospital staff bent over backwards for us ,and contacted people who needed to be contacted it sounds like the Grandparents just took their Granddaughter as a precaution.

Always28 · 23/11/2023 15:15

YANBU - they should definitely have told you straight away. However, it sounds like they had the best intentions and it was all done from a caring place. If it was me, I would probably be really thankful etc to them but then explain that if anything like that happened again, they need to contact one of you, regardless of what else is happening in terms of work etc. Then it’s solved for the future without anyone needing to be in the wrong, and without bad feeling.

Nowherenew · 23/11/2023 15:15

YABU

Your child had a little fall and they did the right thing by getting her checked out just in case.

If she was seriously ill then they should have contacted you straight away, but she wasn’t.

I would be thankful that my parents were good enough to be responsible and take her to A&E.

If this is something you want to know about in the future, just say in a nice way, that you’d rather be there so you can agree to treatment asap and never to worry about disturbing you.

StrawberryJellyBelly · 23/11/2023 15:16

You need to go no contact immediately.

That’ll teach them.

Takethehintandfuckoff · 23/11/2023 15:18

yeah, if it was my son I’d want to know, but I would’ve just said ‘thank you for taking Ds to A&E, I’m so glad you did, and thank God he’s ok, but I wish you’d called me to let me know. If anything like this ever happens again, God forbid, please can you let me know straight away?’

This is an awful lot of animosity you’ve built up over something that could’ve been solved very quickly and straightforwardly. Why is it that people seem incapable of just dealing with things simply and honestly? Why do they not say anything and let it fester?

Humanlifeform · 23/11/2023 15:18

When you become a parent yourself, you to come to view some of the parenting decisions by Grandparents, or your parents in the past..as quite bizarre.

I mean full marks for them taking her to A&E, but what on earth were they thinking by not letting you know? what child doesn't want her actual parents with her in a hospital? I could have been working 24 hrs straight and I would want to come straight to my child if they were in A&E.

I'll tell you what their thought process was..they just didn't even consider contacting you, because they wouldn't have minded not knowing if they were in your shoes.

BungleandGeorge · 23/11/2023 15:18

If you can’t trust the grandparents to take a kid for a check up after a minor injury don’t let them look after them. I’d expect and be grateful to any carer for doing this, it’s hardly like they’d be consenting to major treatment! It was bruised, she didn’t need any treatment so presumably they took her to be safe and they told you afterwards.

Wolfofallstreets · 23/11/2023 15:19

You're overreacting massively OP, just ask them to let you know another time

housethatbuiltme · 23/11/2023 15:19

HappyHamsters · 23/11/2023 13:46

Poor gp cannot do right, they took your dc to hospital, they didn't want to worry your wife, perhaps you can direct your anger at the hospital who should have contacted you. I assume the doctors checked for any injuries. Hold old is your daughter, are you taking her to the doctor if she did faint .

Utterly ridiculous.

When a child is accompanied under guardianship its not the already overstretched hospital workers job to be chasing parents. Its entirely on the grandparent/teacher/childminder etc... to contact the parents because the child is in their care.

The only time the hospital would is if a child was unaccompanied.

Nowherenew · 23/11/2023 15:20

MrTiddlesTheCat · 23/11/2023 14:49

I'm surprised at the poll results. Do 50% of mostly mums really not think they should be told if their child is taken to A&E?

But they were told.

The grandparents were being over cautious and just wanted to check if there was anything to worry about first, before letting the parents know.

Imagine if they phoned the parents to come to A&E just because the DD fell over.

They did the right thing by taking her to A&E if they were concerned but she was fine and I understand why they’d wait to speak to a professional before ringing the parents.

AdoraBell · 23/11/2023 15:20

YANBU they should have informed you.

Differentstarts · 23/11/2023 15:20

Yanbu we've all cared for other people's children at one time or another. If something significant happens like going to a&e you phone the parents ASAP no matter what.

x2boys · 23/11/2023 15:21

Humanlifeform · 23/11/2023 15:18

When you become a parent yourself, you to come to view some of the parenting decisions by Grandparents, or your parents in the past..as quite bizarre.

I mean full marks for them taking her to A&E, but what on earth were they thinking by not letting you know? what child doesn't want her actual parents with her in a hospital? I could have been working 24 hrs straight and I would want to come straight to my child if they were in A&E.

I'll tell you what their thought process was..they just didn't even consider contacting you, because they wouldn't have minded not knowing if they were in your shoes.

Most Grandparents will be from a different Generation where it wasn't instantly possible to contact.parents ,that doesn't mean they did t want o be told

Topseyt123 · 23/11/2023 15:22

ThePineapplePrincess · 23/11/2023 13:46

YANBU and as a result they would not be having unsupervised contact again. They cannot be trusted to reliably look after your children.

What utter bollocks. They took them to A & E after the child hurt her leg! How irresponsible of them (not).

Also, @ThePineapplePrincess nobody was hiding anything. Taking a grandchild with an injured leg to A & E is hiding precisely nothing. The parents were fully informed barely an hour later. You're just a drama llama making up your own narrative.

OP, I get what you are saying, but this really wouldn't bother me. They were trying to be as considerate as possible. If you'd prefer to know in future about every, single incident then that's fine, your choice. Just tell them gently. This wouldn't bother me at all though.