Who should have got up?

[Autieangel]

Dh and I went to bed around 945 last night. I couldn't sleep and at about 1030 I heard a loud bang in the house. Like a crashing noise. We have 4 year old ds in his bedroom and a dog downstairs.

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son.

Dh refused so I checked the house alone and concluded our son had put toys on his bed and must have kicked some off.

I was annoyed that dh left it to me and essentially went back to sleep while I walked round the house alone.

Who's unreasonable here?

I would have forced him to go 😂 no way I'm going down with a noise like that, but then he would have woken up first. Agree the woman-up comments are ridiculous. We once had someone try to break in through the back door and he sprung out of bed and ran down the stairs with a lamp in his pants. The thieves were so frightened of this crazy guy in his underwear they ran off. I'm not sure me doing the same thing would have had the same effect...

I’m with you OP I would of expected my husband to go downstairs and check especially if it could of been an intruder. We recently had a car stolen off our driveway and it made me feel more vulnerable especially as I have children in the house and my husband works late occasionally.

If I had got up and it was an intruder would dh been at fault for not getting up with me.

Wow re-read what you wrote there.
Of course he wouldn’t be at fault.

You heard one crash.
You have a dog and child.

You were awake and your DH was asleep.

I would have listened out for more sounds.
If I didn’t hear anymore sounds then I wouldn’t have woken him and gone and checked myself.

If I had heard another sound or was convinced it was the window smashing or something, then I would have woken him up to prepare him but told him to stay upstairs and listen out.

Going around together isn’t the safest thing to do.
One person should stay upstairs and call the police/protect the child.

A man going downstairs and confronting someone is more likely to end in a situation going from bad to worse.
A woman going down is less likely to cause a confrontation.

But tbh the sex doesn’t really matter.
The person who is most awake should be the one to look around, which in this case was you.

If it was a crash I would have investigated myself. Obviously if it was something scarier like people's voices, I would have woken him up. My daughter used to occasionally fall out of bed at night, so I would have assumed it was that.

You can't have equality without equality. Your OP didn't mention making it a family outing to check one noise.
I'd have just gone slowly, listening. If I heard an intruder I'd retreat to DS's room and call the authorities.

If you’re awake and hear a sound that may be something to do with a young child surely you jump straight out of bed to check they’re okay - as that’s the sole priority - and worry about waking other people, catastrophising and apportioning responsibility and blame at a later point.

I’ve done that. DH has done that. Sitting around pondering suggests it’s not that concerning.

And what sort of children’s toy falling at night makes a loud crash that could also be an intruder? Come on.

Yy if it had been an intruder then your DH would probably have felt bad that he hadn't checked. But from your DH's pov, he obviously didn't have a heightened threat response so didn't react as though there was a threat.
I'm surprised that your initial thought was it was your DS but you took your time to wake your DH instead of going straight to check on your DS.
If a bang woke me and I thought it was the DC, I'd go check on them. If I thought it was an intruder, I would wake DH and we'd decide who was going to check.

I think what’s more dismaying about this thread , apart from the op trying desperately to get folks to say her husband was in the wrong, is her not actually knowing what feminism is,

i find it very dismaying in this day and age anyone doesn’t, man or woman.

You really need to let go of this being angry over a “what if” situation that never happened. If we all lived like that everyone would be too anxious to leave their front door in the morning. You heard a bang, you were perfectly capable of getting up to check. Everything was fine, your DH did nothing wrong. Time to let it go and move on.

Obviously the dog should have checked.

Not the point of the thread but who are all these people sleeping with a baseball bat under their bed!

Blimey, did I miss the bit about living in a tent in a refugee camp, or a HMO full of armed strangers?
Don't be so wet.

In this case I would have quietly checked on ds, but I wouldn't have gone roaming round the house, nor would I want my DP to. If it's an intruder goodness knows what they might do!

In fact a few weeks ago, we were woken by a bang and DP went to look and I was actually quite annoyed. I know it wasn't DS as he's a baby and still in the room.

Happy to admit that I would 100% have woken my partner to go check. Not a hope in hell I would be doing it myself. Actually a few weeks ago around 9pm I phoned him when he was just up the road doing something because I was home alone and heard a noise upstairs. He came back down and checked the entire house including wardrobes and behind doors before heading back out to finish what he was doing. He sees nothing wrong with this and neither do I. And no I don't particularly care what anybody has to say about this 🤣 I know, "so embarrassing", I should be ashamed, I'm a weak excuse for a woman etc. Whatever lol.

I'm guessing the CRASH was as loud as a toy slipping off a bed.
Maybe keep a baseball bat by your bed for next time, in case you find his teddy creeping around, like in Toy Story?

"vulnerable situations" you're not in a war zone. you're in your house. You're being wildly unreasonable.

'A man going downstairs and confronting someone is more likely to end in a situation going from bad to worse.
A woman going down is less likely to cause a confrontation.'
Do you have a source for this @Nowherenew ? Because it sounds like you just made a sweeping statement with no basis in fact. I don't know of any research that says an intruder already in a house is less likely to attack a female householder. But there is research that shows a female householder is more likely to be sexually assaulted or raped by a home intruder.

I think if I just heard a bit if a bang in my child's bedroom I'd go see what it was myself before waking DH up. If I heard something that I was reasonably suspicious was an intruder then of course I'm waking DH even if it's so he knows to back me up when I confront them armed with my strongest stiletto. In this case it sounds like YABU tbh. Just go check your kid yourself

Mountain out of a molehill

They're not feminists. They don't understand feminism and they're deeply invested in pretending there are no physical differences between men and women. They've been hovering around here for ages because they hate that women have a place on the internet. Now they fill their time giving shit advice and being aggressive to women. And yy they have such cossetted lives, they can't imagine someone breaking into their homes. Cossetted, online, think men and women are the same ... I wonder who on earth they could be? It's a mystery.

I agree with you OP. A few years ago there was a very loud bang downstairs in the middle of the night, freaked both of us out. We both went to check it out. I wouldn't like him going down alone and there's not a chance in hell that I'd be going down alone to check it out, so we go together. He's a man, he's bigger than me, stronger than me and also in my case a lot more reasonable! Makes no sense for the weakling wuss that I am to go and investigate and leave him to sleep all because I'm a "grown up" and "feminism".

I would have checked but if I wasn't 100% sure what I would get him to check downstairs while I checked the child, divide and conquer.

I rarely wake my other half but he's learnt that if I call for him in the night he needs to be there NOW!

God, I’m a single parent. Getting up when there is a loud noise really isn’t that scary. You were awake, he wasnt. You have a kid. There was a nose. Go check your kid without debating with your husband.

You were the one who was bothered so of course you should have checked. I can't believe you woke your husband up for this 🫣

Oh lord, stop being so weak, how do you think woman who live alone manage. Grow up !