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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should have got up?

284 replies

Autieangel · 23/11/2023 07:14

Dh and I went to bed around 945 last night. I couldn't sleep and at about 1030 I heard a loud bang in the house. Like a crashing noise. We have 4 year old ds in his bedroom and a dog downstairs.

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son.

Dh refused so I checked the house alone and concluded our son had put toys on his bed and must have kicked some off.

I was annoyed that dh left it to me and essentially went back to sleep while I walked round the house alone.

Who's unreasonable here?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 23/11/2023 08:22

If you genuinely thought it was an intruder then you both should have been awake regardless of who went to check. If you thought it was "something to do with your son" then you should have gone because you were awake.

Catza · 23/11/2023 08:24

It there was a concern about the intruder, nobody would be required to check. One of you would be required to bring your child into the bedroom and lock the door, another would need to call the police. I can't believe people are seriously out there wandering around their houses at night asking to be stabbed or shot by an intruder. In an unlikely event that my partner wanted to play Rambo and march downstairs equipped with a heavy object, I would be right behind him because if he did indeed got shot or stabbed, I would be a sitting duck upstairs anyway. So at a minimum I would want to see who was in my house so I could ring police and give description. In that scenario both of us would be complete idiots not to have stayed put and call the police right away.
If there was one bang in the middle of the night and no other sounds, whoever is awake would have got up to check on the child. If the sound was coming from a room downstairs, we would have listened in to make sure there are no other evidence of people creeping around the house, then would have checked in the morning (and likely confronted with a picture fallen off the wall or something similarly trivial).
I assume your dog would also "let you know" if there was a stranger in the house. Even if the dog is like ours who jumps around with excitement and tries to lick strangers to death instead of doing what a self-respecting guard dog should do.

SallyWD · 23/11/2023 08:36

Overthebow · 23/11/2023 07:16

Yabu for waking him and saying one of you should do it, you could have just got up and done it.

My thoughts exactly. It wouldn't occur to me to wake my DH. I'd have just got up and checked my son was OK.

Intermittentgasping · 23/11/2023 08:42

"checking the house alone"

Are you a teenager or something or very anxious ?

This is crazy. Single parent do I'd always get up. Wouldn't occur to me to even need a "man" to do it !

Catza · 23/11/2023 08:57

Isthisexpected · 23/11/2023 07:56

I agree. Who is more likely to be an intruder? Who is more likely to be overpowered by an intruder? It's facts not antifeminisism.

However, as you mentioned your son in the OP, rather than I thought it might be an Intruder... people are focused on that aspect and that a woman is equally capable of attending to her four year old in the night.

Show quote history

Two people are more likely to be able to overpower an intruder as opposed to one person of either gender. Not to mention that intruders don't typically work alone. So your argument doesn't hold.

Mothership4two · 23/11/2023 09:19

I think if you had said that you thought someone was in the house, then he would have got up. I expect you said you heard a noise and he was half asleep. The noise of someone breaking in and a toy falling off a bed are very different and you could probably tell what part of the house it came from ie upstairs not downstairs. I am like a lot of others on here, I would have immediately gone and checked myself. Not because I am a feminist, it would be my automatic reaction.

WandaWonder · 23/11/2023 09:22

Who ever is awake and hears checks, I don't need to pull the little women thing

Mischance · 23/11/2023 09:25

One night I woke to a very strange sound - it sounded just as though someone was opening the drawers on our dining room dresser - a sort of scraping sound with glass chinking. We both thought it might be an intruder. Guess who finished up going to investigate? - not the quivering wreck of an OH!

What did I find? - a hedgehog trying to get milk out of an empty bottle on the front step!

Iamblossom · 23/11/2023 10:07

I think your issue is more one of your DH refusing after you asked him to go...

Mothership4two · 23/11/2023 10:09

A few years ago @Mischance a policeman from Devon told me they get loads of call outs that turn out to be hedgehogs! Once with my best friend on holiday we heard rustling outside when we were having a late night chat, we crept out with torches (leaving our partners unaware in bed) and traced the noise to a pile of leaves with a large frog/toad in the middle of it.

Shinyandnew1 · 23/11/2023 10:11

The awake person should have checked.

Frequency · 23/11/2023 10:15

If I hear a noise in the night I assume it is the dog chancing his luck at counter surfing while everyone is in bed or the feral cat being feral. I only get up if I think there might be something on the counter that could harm the dog.

An intruder would be the very last thing on my mind.

AyrshireTryer · 23/11/2023 10:15

As a man, I would have expected to be woken, and understood why I had.

CacenCaws · 23/11/2023 10:17

Yabu! I would be annoyed to be woken up if I was DH

wholecupcake · 23/11/2023 10:22

Iamblossom · 23/11/2023 10:07

I think your issue is more one of your DH refusing after you asked him to go...

She didn't though. She said one of them should go.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 23/11/2023 10:22

I'd have just looked myself.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/11/2023 10:24

But I did it alone. So if it happens again should I deal with it again or is it dh turn? Or should this be another job that defaults to me.?

Don’t be ridiculous! This isn’t a job like emptying the bins or getting the kids ready for school. You heard a noise and vaguely suggested to your barely awake DH that ‘one of you’ should check on it. He took you up on that offer.

Harry12345 · 23/11/2023 10:24

InterFactual · 23/11/2023 08:09

I find it amusing that the so called feminists in this thread are actively attacking another woman. Feminism is about women supporting women, remember. 🙄

OP, people are being overly harsh. If I suspected an intruder I would absolutely want my husband to go first and I would follow closely behind to help. He is literally twice the size of me, strength matters in these situations and (in my case) those 'feminists' are deluding themselves if they think a 5ft woman with disabilities can fight to protect her family as hard as 6ft weight lifter built like Hodor.

Pretending that women are exactly the same as men in every way is NOT feminism.

Also for those who think it's crazy to jump straight to the idea of an intruder, I'm pleased you've never been burgled or attacked, what a lovely life you've had. Good for you. 🏆

This! I’ve had a man trying to break into my child’s bedroom, I’m 5ft and partner 6ft, of course I woke him up and didn’t go myself. That’s not feminism it’s biology and fact

Parryotter · 23/11/2023 10:24

I wouldn’t have woken DH. I would have checked DS was ok and then if I felt too scared to go downstairs to check then I would have woken DH, and asked him to check downstairs.
Maybe just explain to DH that you were worried and if that happens again could he be more supportive. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks they would have done in this situation, if you were worried and needed DH to help you then he should have helped.

Dweetfidilove · 23/11/2023 10:27

Iamblossom · 23/11/2023 07:24

I would have been worried it was an intruder , woken my husband and he would have gone downstairs to check, with the base ball bat that he keeps under our bed.

Don't see how that doesn't make me a feminist or a modern woman.

Agree with this.

EnoughNow2023 · 23/11/2023 10:27

I dont think either of you were being unreasonable.

You were afraid and were seeking support
He didn't experience any particularly strong emotion and didn't feel it required action

Neither of this are wrong or unreasonable just different perspectives

Dweetfidilove · 23/11/2023 10:32

InterFactual · 23/11/2023 08:09

I find it amusing that the so called feminists in this thread are actively attacking another woman. Feminism is about women supporting women, remember. 🙄

OP, people are being overly harsh. If I suspected an intruder I would absolutely want my husband to go first and I would follow closely behind to help. He is literally twice the size of me, strength matters in these situations and (in my case) those 'feminists' are deluding themselves if they think a 5ft woman with disabilities can fight to protect her family as hard as 6ft weight lifter built like Hodor.

Pretending that women are exactly the same as men in every way is NOT feminism.

Also for those who think it's crazy to jump straight to the idea of an intruder, I'm pleased you've never been burgled or attacked, what a lovely life you've had. Good for you. 🏆

Exactly this.

DottieMoon · 23/11/2023 10:33

Yabu, go check it yourself.

Screwballs · 23/11/2023 10:33

Cor OP, you really were here for the man bashing werent you. If a toy fell off a bed, it wasnt an almighty crash, come on. Just accept you thought he should have to get up and were cross that he didnt.

AtomicPumpkin · 23/11/2023 10:34

The person who is already awake gets up, that's pretty obvious.