Who should have got up?

[Autieangel]

Dh and I went to bed around 945 last night. I couldn't sleep and at about 1030 I heard a loud bang in the house. Like a crashing noise. We have 4 year old ds in his bedroom and a dog downstairs.

I woke dh who said it was probably nothing. I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son.

Dh refused so I checked the house alone and concluded our son had put toys on his bed and must have kicked some off.

I was annoyed that dh left it to me and essentially went back to sleep while I walked round the house alone.

Who's unreasonable here?

DH and I have seperate bedrooms - he snores and it's worked well for us for some 15 years or so. He does night shift, every third week, and finishes at 6.00am. He gets in at around 6.20-6.30am, and watches TV for a bit, has a hot chocolate, and then goes to bed around 7.30am. I tend to get up around 8.30am to 9am (I work from home.)

Anyway, he was on nights last week, and came in at 6.20am. I got up for a pee at 6.55am, then went back to bed for a bit as I was tired and needed another couple of hours. (I had worked til midnight the night before!)

15 minutes after I went back to bed - 15 minutes after! DH knocks on my fucking door, and comes in and said 'birdsong. BIRDSONG, are you getting up? I heard you up about 5 minutes ago and thought you were getting up.' It was 15 minutes later, not 5! And I had gone back to sleep! He woke me out of my slumber and I couldn't get back to sleep. It made me tired and fatigued all day. I could have lamped him. I said 'no I am not getting up!' and turned my back.

'Oh well see you later then' he said. Then he continued... 'oh by the way, I just thought I'd let you know Steve at work is up for a disciplinary next week for what happened last week.' I was seething. Not only did he wake me, when it was only 7am, and he must have known I had gone back to bed, but also, he tried to engage in conversation with me. I ignored him, and he said 'talk to yourself eh? Never mind!' And he slammed the door!

When he got up at 4pm he had a face like thunder. He was still pissy that I had ignored him. I said 'tell you what, tomorrow, when you get up for a pee at lunchtime, I will wait 15 minutes and then open the door and start talking to you! Then slam the door when you ignore me because I have woken you from your sleep.' Idiot!

tr;dr. YABVU @Autieangel Waking someone for no reason is a shitty thing to do. I would have been fuming if I had been your husband!

It was toys being knocked over, there was no danger.

If there was any danger then DH was in bed and OP could have shouted up to him.

Lots of interesting and some frankly bonkers replies as one would expect from Mumsnet!

So to clear a few things up-

I do not possess ninja like qualities like unfortunately. I heard a crash , listened for a minute, woke husband. Suggested we should go and look. He said it was probably nothing, I said what if it's ds . DH said if your worried go look. I did look I think it was a toy (a heavy metal one) as I couldn't see another explanation.

The dog is crate trained so would not be much use to ward off burglars although hopefully he would bark. Didn't bark at the sudden noise right above his head tho. Not at all aggressive to new people in the house.

Some posters ideas around feminism is frankly mind boggling. Women should not have to be the same as men to be treated equally. It explains a lot about why so many women try (and fail) to do it all. We need to stop this narrative.

I think as the stronger person dh should have gone to look in case it was something nefarious. We have been together 15 years and I can count on one hand how often I have heard a noise in the night. Once it was a shelf that collapsed. Once it was an intruder and we called the police (they didn't actually get in the house). Once we didn't identify the noise.

If you genuinely felt worried or anxious it maybe was an intruder he may have acted differently and you should have the security that he would . However that thought probably didn't even enter his mind so I wouldn't think he would be over joyed to go check something trivial. What was your chat like?we're you panicked ? Scared ? Or hust regular If you thought it had come from kid tbf I would have just sprinted at a large bang. There's a weird feeling when an intruder is actually in your house you feel it different or at least in my experience

You say in your OP that you thought someone should check in case it was something to do with DS. No reason you couldn’t check that (as the awake person) and in fact you did and it was a toy. You didn’t tell your DH that you thought their might be an intruder or presumably he would have got up. He didn’t hear the noise remember as he was asleep so had no reason to think it was anything other than what you suggested.

I wonder how you think single parents like me go on (or those whose partners work nights (former me).

And as for asking if it would have been DH’s fault if the intruder had attacked you? No, it would be the intruders fault ffs.

Also I guess a factor is where you live and previous experience. I live in a fairly'rough' area and was burgled twice as a child both times while we were in the house. As an adults I've had 3 car burglaries and 1 attempted house burglary as well as one theft at work.

OP I feel like you are just updating continuously to force your perspective. People are entitled to not agree with you. You are being OTT, nothing happened, end of. Let it go.

I heard a crash , listened for a minute, woke husband. Suggested we should go and look. He said it was probably nothing, I said what if it's ds . DH said if your worried go look. I did look I think it was a toy (a heavy metal one) as I couldn't see another explanation.

The fact that you thought it was DS and said this to DH, means that YABU.

If you thought you heard the front door open or someone downstairs and told DH this, then it would be different.

If someone had broken in then all you had to do was shout for DH.

There was no need for him to go and check with you or instead of you.

YABU.
You keep updating and with each update you put more and more emphasis on "it could have been an intruder" when your initial post said I thought one of us should check in case it was to do with our son
I'd be annoyed if I was your DH and you'd woken me up to get me to go and check the house because you heard a noise which you thought was to do with our son. You should have just got up without waking DH, checked son and gone back to bed.
How do you think people who live alone cope if they hear a noise in the night?
You are being completely OTT.

If I had woken my DH up, there is no doubt he would have investigated, I know this as it has happened in the past and he was insistent on it, my DH likes to be in control of everything though I have noted it's how he eleveates evey worry he has, probably a bit of his upbringing thrown in. I'd not expect it, am a feminist and would investigate but I know that I wouldn't be the one doing this.

I didnt go and find the source but have read similar. Because a man is a bigger physical threat, intruders are more likely to try and neutralise that threat, so men are disproportionately hurt/killed in armed robberies. On the whole, women are sexually assaulted more, but an armed robbery is more likely to result in serious bodily harm/murder if a man confronts them.

OP YANBU
My husband would never let me go check something like that in the middle of the night simply because of the (slim, but still possible) chance of an intruder. The vast majority of break ins are men and like it or not, they are generally bigger, stronger and faster than women. It's not anti feminist to say that, it's simply reality. We are equal, not identical

If a parent genuinely thought they heard an intruder in their child's room they would not wait a minute, wake up their partner and have a conversation with them, they would react immediately and go to the child to protect them without thinking about self-protection - possibly giving partner a sharp kick on the way. That's normal maternal behaviour and doesn't make you a ninja. Only a pretty shabby person/parent would wait a few minutes before investigating whether a child was in danger. Despite OP's updates, I am sticking with my initial thoughts, that she (and her partner and dog!) knew it wasn't a dire situation, her annoyance is groundless and this was a non-event.

And it would be a very unusual dog that didn't bark when someone was breaking in to your home even if it is crate trained!

Very good point mothership. And if I thought the intruder was elsewhere in the house I would be going to my child getting us safe then calling for help not leaving them at risk while playing the hero!

You! You were awake. You heard the noise. You were worried ergo you take a look.

If you genuinely thought someone had broken into your home, you'd be out of bed and in to check on your DS before you could even think about waking your husband.

The fact that you lay there for a while, then woke your husband and had time to tell him you'd heard a noise means you can't have been that concerned!

My ex woke me up and asked me to go check for intruders! More fool me, I did! I shared this story with a work colleague only to find out she'd had a similar experience but far worse - she came across a burglar! Luckily, he legged it out of the window that he initially gained entry but I think one of the main reasons she chucked spineless boyfriend.

You were unreasonable, of course you were! He was asleep, you were awake.

As a mum my instinct would be to bolt and check on my kid, not fanny about waking o
people up. That’s crazy to me that you did t go straight to your child tbh. Weird

I don’t get the point in posting in AIBU and then defending yourself to this point. The people of Mumsnet have spoken. If you don’t value their opinion don’t ask 😂

Yes I agree. I've heard noises in the night and my 1st reaction is to check on dc. Sorry OP I think yabu.

Why did you wake him up?

The noise didn't wake him.

You heard it.

You investigate

I would say him 😂men are irresponsible when it comes to sleep (in my experience that it). My mum woke my dad the day I was born saying she was having contractions and my dad said it was too early for that and went back to sleep. I was born that evening.

It seems you haven't read my viewpoint so, of course, you don't understand it. I've written more than one post on this thread.
Nowhere did I say the majority of posters were being aggressive. I did say there were some who weren't feminists whilst claiming to be but they were also pretending there was no physical difference between men and women. If you didn't make those points then it obviously didn't relate to you.

How loud of a crash can a tin box with little toys in make if it didn’t wake up your DH, the dog, or your son? I’m guessing you went straight to your sons room and figured out what happened?

yeah, whoever who hears it should investigate.