Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

Op, I could've written this. I always knew my husband was slow but I only really noticed it since having children. My husband does so much around the house, brilliant dad, takes our boys out so I can have time to myself...but I can do 10 things in the space it takes him to do 3. He's slow, he's late. He goes to put a wash on and disappears for 30 minutes, meanwhile I'm sitting waiting on him cause he's asked we watch something together (non-important example but just to show I spend lots of my life "waiting" on him). I strongly suspect he has ADHD. We've talked about it openly and he acknowledges he might. He's tried to change and there has been some very small changes, but nothing major.

I've spoken to family about it as I too have thought about whether I can live like this forever. Some things have helped improve things but mainly I'm just trying to find acceptance around it because I personally still want to be with him.

The OP has said he’s always on time for important meetings so even if he has some neurological disorder, he can control it when HE wants to.

The bottom line is that he doesn’t care enough about the OP to sort out his issues when it’s important to her. He’s a selfish arse

Id give him one more chance, tell him he has until Xmas to sort himself out and join you to become a team, or that’s it, he needs to leave.

If someone can manage to be on time for work stuff, they can be on time for everything. The same strategies work for a holiday flight as they do a work flight.

And it's perfectly reasonable to want the house to yourself from time to time! But I agree with pp's that you should go back to work OP.

One other question - are his parents always late for everything, if they are still around?

I particularly loathe it when people with disabilities are ableist to others with disabilities.

So all neurodiverse people have to do is give themselves a big kick?!

Stop the press you have solved a neurodevelopmental condition that destroys lives with that little nugget. What next? Tell people in wheelchairs just to stand up and walk?

Unfuckingbelievable.

It is possible for people with ADHD to basically "use up" all of their ability to be on time on things like work and have "none left" for things like relationships, etc.

That's a very boiled down simplification of what's actually happening, but people say "Oh they can do it for work then they can do it, why don't they do it for me?" but if it was really under their control, then they'd also do it for the things like flights which also have a strong consequence.

It makes a difference not because OP should find a load of extra sympathy or put up with things differently, but because if the DH is open to the possibility of exploring this as a situation, he could look into treatment (medication and/or strategies) and it might improve.

But honestly I am a great believer in relationships needing to be compatible, it sounds like the frustration is too great for compatability here.

I am the faffer with probably
mild adhd. my DH is the time obsessed neurotypical one.

the difference is that I have lent in to how he is and tried my damness to improve. I use every tip and trick going. I can easily waste two or three hours doing minor tasks but I don’t, I have to focus to make sure stuff for the kids is completed.

your DH is not making the effort, but can at work. This is the dealbreaker. It just shows such disrespect. It’s not a time keeping issue it is a respect issue.

I would get a job, get a cleaner, get as much help in as you can. Stop cooking, cleaning and doing his laundry. Stop waiting for him. Give him a few months to step up then make plans to leave.

ADHD isn’t an excuse for an adult. Firstly, Mumsnet loves an at-home diagnosis, secondly, this man can be on time for important things like his meetings, his work flights. It’s anything that involves the OP or where he’s given leeway, like his working hours…

Exactly this! He is just being a selfish arse! I find that most people who behave this way are always on time for things they see as important or worth their time!

Even if he does have a neurological condition, he is able to be on time for important meetings! I do feel a lot of people who behave like this seem to feel that certain things are less important and they don’t care if they are making someone else late if they do not feel that rushing is ‘worth it’ to them! I’ve even seen people seem to enjoy the fact they are making me stressed and worried about being late!

Surely when he walks past a clock or sees other people rushing around with their coats on ready to go or he is actually TOLD he is going to be late then that should be enough to make him realise he needs to get a move on! It’s just pure selfishness on his part!!!

OP was he on time for your wedding?

We're not great with time. On weekday mornings I have reminders set up on Alexa for DS. 7:45 time to get dressed, 8:00 time to brush your teeth, 8:15 time to get ready to go, 8:30 time to go. It's as much a prompt for me as it is him but it gives him an idea of what's expected and I don't have to remind him myself. Mind, he is 10.

DS plays football and rugby on a weekend. There are early start times we've been sat in the car waiting for my partner because she leaves it til the last minute to get sorted. Sitting in the house waiting just leads to DS being distracted. I've not driven off without her - yet!

I do agree with others here that he has an issue, probably ADHD. We have it in our family, and it's very likely I have it. My worst symptom is losing things. All the time, constantly. I have to have multiple items of things like prescription glasses, because I can never remember where I put something. Over the years, people have suggested solutions, assuming that I'm just being wilfully careless. Even therapists have blithely dismissed it as a bad habit. It's not. It's as if my brain doesn't register what my hands are doing, so I have no memory of where I've put something. It drives me absolutely mad.

Anyway this is all to point out, OP, that some things cannot be conquered by willpower. And yes, it's difficult for those around us. I lose things so frequently and get so frustrated by it that I often wonder how my DH has put up with it for so long. I must be completely infuriating to live with. So while I'm absolutely opposed to the idea that women should nurse their husbands through life, in some cases people genuinely can't help certain behaviours, and you owe it to yourself and him to explore ways that might help him. Medication for ADHD can be very effective, as well as learning strategies for managing the worst symptoms.

Like errr I just got the ‘routineflow’ app as mentioned here as it might help me. £20 well spent . If it does !

thanks @WobblyCat !

Sick it too op. My driver got me late last week so school was late. It effects everyone. Your husb is an adult. Its annoying yep. My friend does it too. But she v disorganised. Think its just how she is. Im good with time so drives me mad!

ex was like this.

I did all the things - told him earlier times, did everything for me and the kids (used to also do his, but a combination of losing respect for him and having too much of my own to do put an end to that).

He would start getting ready to go to the gym at lunch time. He would finally leave just as I was leaving to get the kids from school (handy, meant that he didn't have to do homework with them...). In the mornings, he would just be getting up as I was going out of the door to get them to school.

It wasn't just things like getting out of the house - it was everything - tax returns, bill paying - "it'll be fine, it'll sort itself out" - when actually what happened was I had to sort it out, even when he said he would because it was that or be fined. And I hated the panic. But I also hated being responsible for everything.

TBH, it was the beginning of the end. He wanted me to be dedicated to being his support human, and I didn't want a partner like that, or to be that partner.

Not that you should need to but have you physically walked him through getting ready in the morning? Like stood there supervising so that you can see exactly what it is that's making him take so long? I'd do it just so I can see what exactly the issue is.

I'm so sorry, this must be driving you nuts. It's not your job to train, teach, manage a grown man who will NOT do the adulting.

I think it would be important to find out if there is something actually wrong with him. A GP appointment would be wise, to rule out health issues.

And yes you may need to make the appointment and go with him. Yes, I know. But I once came home to find my OH googling 'what should I do about this pain in my chest?'.

DS and I are scattered, so we know that we have to be super-organised. We're both known for being 10 minutes early for everything. We have lists, we force ourselves into habits. It can be done. If you find the stress of disorganisation worse than the work of organisation.

I HAVE ADHD. A combined presentation.

I know how hard it is. But I also know that it’s not ok to just take the piss with the important people in your life.

And I know the difference between parenting and partnering.

OP does this man see the issue and does he want to change?

Thats what I am struggling to understand.

It absolutely is @Hibiscrubbed. I'm sorry that you can't see that past your ableism. I do hope you don't manage anyone.

Reasonable adjustments for ADHD

Time blindness is not about selfishness at all. It is about energy and overwhelm. Some people are better with set routines or rules - eg. "I go to work, I do X, Y, Z then at 12.30pm there's a meeting". Having a "free routine" where you are setting rules rather than work or another authority is harder for some because they can convince themselves it's OK to adjust it (for whatever reason, it may be for other tasks/a brain break), which sounds like OP's DH. Missing a flight is pretty big and has financial implications, that doesn't sound like selfishness to me.

That being said, I think OP's DH does need to find some coping mechanisms because it's impacting everyone hugely. If he can't at least try, OP, I'd probably assess what he's like in other ways as a husband.

To be honest, while your husband may be faffing, I feel that there are other issues going on. You say you don't want to go on anti-depressants - but I would argue that asking your husband to be on time is not a substitute for anti-depressants if you feel these may be necessary. If you are depressed, go to the doctor, rather than making everything hang on changing a family member's behaviour, even if irritating. Fwiw anti-depressants gave me a real lift at a time when I needed them, there's nothing wrong with them if appropriately prescribed.

Would you feel happier if you went back to work maybe ? Sometimes being a SAHM isn't for everyone - maybe this behaviour frustrates you more because are at home and you notice it more

It's not an excuse. It's a reason because by definition it's a disability.

Saying that people can manage things that are important to them so it must just be selfishness etc..shows how little understanding people have about ADHD. People with autism often mask in certain situations then will have a meltdown when they are alone as the effort is overwhelming. ADHD is no different - perhaps it takes all they have to do xyz and as another poster explained they don't have it in them to control other areas of their lives.

Some of these comments are awful.

I’m like your partner. DH will paint the shed, sort the kids, cook breakfast, and go for a run in the time it takes me to wake up and take a shower.

However, I contribute to the household in other ways, which are perhaps less time pressured but no less important, such as looking after everyone’s wellbeing. I also hold down a high pressure, well paid job full time
with constant deadliness, as does DH.

He appreciates me for the things I can do and not the things I can’t and I, in turn, try to limit the effects of my slowness (or whatever neurodiversity I may be displaying) on everyone else.

In the options open to you, you could always seek therapy. Not necessarily with the aim to keep your marriage but to keep/improve your sanity. I mean it kindly, but you come across as incredibly on edge. If everyday behaviours of others I had no control over, such as your husband’s presence in the house, were making me feel this overwhelmed I’d be looking to understand what triggers this reaction. It may be that you hate your H, but it also may be that parenthood provoked a seismic change in your identity and you’re trying to piece your personhood back together, with any stuff from the past this may be bringing up for you.

It all sounds like a mess. I absolutely agree that level of lateness and faffing is really bloody annoying and he's being disrespectful to you because if he can manage to be there in time for other things, he should be able to do it for you.

On the other hand your requests are a bit excessive - he's having to leave the house 4 days a week by a certain time so you can have time for yourself. When does he get the same? You've said it's 50:50 parenting at the weekend and you're getting 3/4 mornings off a week. You'd be better off getting some medication/counselling and going back to work. It sounds like you both resent each other and it's a recipe for disaster.