Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

You're welcome. It has been such a huge help for me. I love how it says "if you start now" and tells me what time I will be finished by, also the fact it tells you how long it actually took you so you can adjust it or five yourself more time if you need to next time.

I'd also figured it's money well spent if it works!

He can be on time for things with extrinsic motivation— work stuff, not selfish stuff.

However, he seems to struggle with intrinsic motivation.

If someone’s late for a holiday flight I’d say they have an executive dysfunction. Why would being late to go on holiday, when you bear the financial penalty yourself, be a deliberate, careless, or selfish act?

if you’ve got ADHD, as an adult you have usually developed workarounds, but they don’t work all the time. ADHD may not be an ‘excuse’ but it is a real condition with real consequences.

I also have to say that I would not take it well if my husband started telling me that I had to be out of the house by a certain time in the morning. Particularly if the reason was that he was going to be in the house and did not want to be around me. I also wonder if there is actually just stuff going on in the mornings. I get up at 6.30 and often don't get to leave the house til 9. Seems mad but corralling kids and making/cleaning up breakfast, doing random other tasks just do take up time, even though my husband is helping too. We're all entitled to a little sit and ponder over our morning coffee too.

I'm wondering if the husband takes as long as possible in the morning precisely to have some time alone while the whingeing wife is still out...

I know how you feel, I’ve had to put up with this from my husband for over 20 years. We've argued a lot about it and I get so stressed out over it. We’ve missed flights, late for family events, late to shows, late to picking up our children when he said he would, he’ll decide on a long soak in the bath when we have 20 minutes before we need to leave and everyone else is dressed and ready to go. I've even pretended that an event starts an hour earlier and have even planned / got everything ready for him so that we don't arrive late—it's like having another child. The adrenaline rush of having to hurry right at the last minute in order to be on time appears to appeal to him. He exhibits numerous additional characteristics that may be associated with ADHD, so I recently considered the possibility but he refuses to listen. I have noticed that he doesn't appear to be able to account for things like traffic, how long it will take to get somewhere, or how long it will take to get ready. I hate being late and so do my children, and all of my husband siblings are punctual so everyone gets annoyed with him.

It’s not extrinsic v intrinsic.

Not upsetting his wife would be an extrinsic motivator. But he doesn’t seem to care much about that.

Why do you need the house to be totally empty?. If he is not asking you for anything then just ignore him. I think you need to work on your mental health

So he's on time for meetings.
He used to commute via plane & never missed a flight.

Yet now, it takes him 3 hours to get ready in the morning - just himself, nobody else. His flexi-working means he gets back at 7pm by which time you've already done the bedtime routine.
He's been responsible for you missing a holiday flight & cutting it close on others.
And you're always late for meeting family & friends.
Anyone seeing a pattern here?

Whilst there could be umpteen reasons for his lateness - ADHD or time blindness - he appears to able to be on time when it suits him.
He doesn't respect you OP & I can perfectly understand your annoyance.
If you can afford it financially, your life would be much calmer, less stressful without him.

I wonder if he is also (poss subconsciously) resisting leaving the house by 9.30am because he resents being told he needs to be gone in order for you to mentally recoup energy/rest. I am the same as you (I need people to all fuck off before I can relax) but I do think my DH has taken it a little personally sometimes (i.e. I like having you around, why don't you like me?). Another thing to consider anyway. I do feel guilty for it but here we are!

I hate the use of Executive Dysfunction to explain away this... I have ExD as a result of other disabilities which effect perception (including time) and I'm never late for anything, I usually drive people crazy as I'm ALWAYS early to make sure I'm never late.

I not great at time management either, I will never be one of these put together mams but I simply respect others enough to bother my ass. Usually its underwear on, I throw on jeans and a t-shirt and shoes, run a comb through hair (maybe tie it in a ponytail if I have a few extra minutes). It take like 5 minutes tops. No time for make up and I can't grasp how anyone morning showers (its clearly a night activity as it takes time) but I'm always on time to everything.

I manage to get 2 children (one with executive dysfunction and LITERALLY no attention span too) ready as well as myself.

I just think its the HEIGHT of disrespect to be late. It says loudly 'I don't care about or respect anyone else's time'. Its a personality flaw in line with 'main character syndrome' where a person cannot grasp other people/things are anything other than in existence to further their own story and experience. Its a type of narcissism not a result of just having time management issues.

A lot of people I know with conditions like me share my 'time anxiety' and are always on time too as we are hyper aware of out function struggles. The people I know who are chronically late (like my best friend) do not have any disabilities like ADHD they just don't see an issue with making people wait on them.

I agree. Whether or not he has ADHD, unless HE himself acknowledges he has a problem and acknowledges that he his causing his wife a lot of upset and stress then unfortunately the situation is impossible to live with. I know this as I have experience of growing up in a family of people with various mental health problems who wouldn’t acknowledge they had a problem and wouldn’t listen to anyone who tried to encourage them to get help… so in that case you are fighting a losing battle.

It seems that op’s DH (if he in fact does have ADHD) is refusing to acknowledge he has a problem and is refusing to acknowledge just how much he is hurting his wife and how much stress he is causing her. And it seems he doesn’t care either!

I also have to say that I would not take it well if my husband started telling me that I hadto be out of the house by a certain time in the morning. Particularly if the reason was that he was going to be in the house and did not want to be around me.

Even if your husband said that he was drowning, burning out, and he just needed this for a little while to get back on his feet? Even then?

You've just reminded me of the me: 'right, we're leaving in 20 - everyone got their shoes on?' ex: 'I'm just going for a shower and shave'

ADHD (or other organisational issues) do indeed require accommodations. BUT that doesn't mean that everyone around him needs to just 'deal' - no. What it means is he needs to put in the extra effort. There are things we all find hard or near impossible, and all you can do is try, and look for workarounds as PP have said.

I think the main problems are:

1 .He is not helping with your child or around the house

2 .You are so angry with him that you don’t want him around

3 . You are not enjoying your life, just coping

It is not hopeless. I’m optimistic that after this thread you will know what to do. Good luck!

@Unexpectedlysinglemum It sounds to me that @Dazedandfrazzled has sadly got the "ICK" after all this time of him seemingly being unable to do anything any faster, whatever the reason for that might be.

My husband is similar, and the reason for his behaviour correlates completely with when he got his first smart mobile! Say my DH is cooking dinner, he will put something in the oven, then set a timer on his phone for when the vegetables need to be put on to be boiled or microwaved. As soon as he has set the alarm he will get immersed in his news app, or online cycling group etc. When the alarm on his phone goes off he will cancel it, then think something like 'I will just finish this article', and 10 or 15 minutes can pass before he finishes his article. Or, quite frequently he will forget all about what he was supposed to be doing, and go onto the next article.

He is like this with almost everything - even getting dressed, he will put his pants and trousers on, then sit on the edge of the bed looking at his phone, before he goes to find a shirt - not easy for him as he prefers to keep his clothes in a pile on the floor rather than open the wardrobe door and hang it in there.
Once he has his shirt on he will sit on the bed again to put his shoes on, then before he stands up to go and find a chair or something to make it easier for him to tie his laces up, he will just have a 'quick look on his phone' - maybe he is checking that there isn't a nuclear bomb rapidly on it's way to nuke us in the next 4 minutes, in which case it would be pointless to bother to do his shoelaces up (I would have to reluctantly agree with him on that particular judgement call). I don't think I had better add anything more, other than to mention the words "don't get me started on how long it takes him in the bathroom" 🙈

So I cannot blame the OP (You, if you are reading this "Dazed") if she has got a massive ick locked into her brain and heart, after his, what appears to be, very selfish and disrespecting behaviour towards the OP. If the OP has been inflicted with this soul destroying attitude, then I have no idea whether their relatioship has any chance of recovering or not. However, I do think that if she (the OP) wants their relationship to have any chance of surviving, then they need to access some joint counselling, and probably some individual counselling for him as well.

Good Luck @Dazedandfrazzled. I would love to be able to send you a big bunch of 💐 and an even bigger hug - if you would like one! Please take care of yoursef, and if possible, talk to a trusted friend face to face, to discuss any realistic future ways forward xx

It sounds like he's also using the early morning as his 'breathing time'.

I suspect the OP's needing time to herself has come from covid and her and her DH being stuck in the house together for weeks on end. You can't go out yourself without them saying "where are you going" when before you could do what you liked when you liked. I'm not saying it's intrusive for them to ask, but it's something that didn't happen when they were at the office and you were at home.

it is something that women often say when their husbands retire - they can't bear having them around the whole time. I can't really understand why so many people think it's unreasonable to feel that way. And if you are meant to be at work, you get your bottom out to work, flexi time not withstanding.

You complain about your husband and talk about your mental health going down. You say nothing about his emotions and mental health. How does he feel when you all miss a flight? Do you know anything about how he feels when you (I presume, grumpily?) tell him that he needs to do this and that? How does he feel when you tell him he has to leave the house by 9:30 (which he usually does)?

Do we actually know he has had the adhd suggestion made to him? Perhaps he would be receptive ( even relieved) and follow some the measures that work for many. I think it’s a bit unfair to say he is reusing to acknowledge a problem when he may not see the shape of what it could be ( COULD, mind!Not a MN diagnosis).

I suggest you read my post properly, @Willyoujustbequiet, and don't quote out of context.

I said: "give yourself a very big kick and find strategies not to let other people down"

If you genuinely don't care about other people or about letting them down, enlightened self-interest alone will tell you that if you demonstrate this repeatedly to them, they will get pissed off with you and will go elsewhere. Most adults who are ND are able to put strategies in place to ensure that they don't dump their condition on their family and friends. It's a thing you teach children who are ND (all my children are ND) - yes, you find X, Y or Z hard, but you have to accept that other people have needs too, and you have to find ways to manage your behaviour accordingly.

One of my DC is still very much a work in progress on this score, but I would be a pretty crap parent if I just said "oh darling, you're ND so that gives you a licence to mess everyone else around".

We have no idea whether the OP's husband is ND or not - but either way, he either genuinely doesn't care about her enough to modify his behaviour, or he has never learned that there are some generally accepted requirements of social behaviour, even if you don't actually feel that they matter.

Being late shows utter disrespect for the person you are keeping waiting.
It's not ADHD or 'Time blindness' it's the thinking you are better than other people so can keep them waiting.

It's intolerable.

I have a friend who is always late.

It HAS to be passive aggression... done on purpose.

@Dazedandfrazzled I'd leave.. or get him to.

He sounds infuriating.

Does someone need to say ‘maybe you have ADHD’ for a man to recognise that his behaviour is upsetting his wife, and that she’s feeling resentful because he’s making everything harder?

This is incredibly annoying and disrespectful to your time and his family.
Just a thought, could you move nursery sessions to afternoons, so that he is definitely out of the way and you can make best use of the time to yourself.
BTW I have a husband who is barely ever out of the house and doesn't get it when I just want/need the house to myself!!

Spot on!!!

Well said.

No we do not know if he has ADHD but so many people are commenting saying they seem to think he has.

And That’s what I mean by not acknowledging they have a problem or not listening to other people telling them they have one - you’re just fighting a losing battle!
As I said earlier, when he is seeing op rushing around, probably with her coat on then surely he can see for himself that he is making op late and it’s time to get a move on.

Where am I now ashamed of myself reading this thread, is that ten years ago I would have been one of the posters saying it's selfish, intolerable, disrespectful, whatever...until I had a child with ADHD.