Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

I could not be with a man /partner who has no sense of urgency. Just no.
Missed a flight with you but made his work flights? Ridiculous behaviour from an adult.
Does he resent you having this time to yourself at home I wonder? Did he really want to work from home instead of the office?
Tbh if you share a small child would you try marriage counselling? Or are you too far past that?

Your DH would do my head in too. He faffs for 3 hours in the morning while you do everything for your daughter, then because he's late for work he has to stay so late you do everything for her in the evening too. Does he even see her during the week or interact/play with her...

It sounds like you've already discussed with him your distress and he agreed to allow your time in the mornings to de-stress but he's not keeping to it.

I'd like to tell you not to discount using antidepressants at least in the short term to help you manage . While it's a different situation the vast majority of mothers of severely disabled children like me are on antidepressants. It's all very well to say it's the situation that's the problem, but if you can't immediately fix the situation then the antidepressants can help you manage in the interim.

When you are feeling a bit better I'd look at going back to work at least part-time incase you end up seperated ( or if your DHs employer gets sick of him too)

I feel for you op. Unfortunately you don’t have many options if he won’t engage.

Ex is like this. I suspect he’s is due to undiagnosed ADHD but he’ll never actually admit it. His time keeping is so bad that it was a running joke in his family. Funnily he’ll wake/leave on time if he had tickets to go to a rugby match. Unfortunately I didn’t realise just how impossible it is living with it until after DD’s we’re born. Sleep/feeding schedules were largely ignored because we’re always waiting for him. Meanwhile it was me left dealing with a screaming baby/toddler who was either hungry or tired.

I haven't read all the posts, but is there anything else where he just doesn't get/understand what's acceptable/normal to most people? Just wondering if he needs some sort of assessment.

One thing I'd certainly be doing, where possible, is just to go out yourself without him. ie, assuming you drive, tell him you and little one are going to get yourselves ready in car and will be leaving into two minutes - then go and don't answer your phone. If a meal is ready, don't keep it warm in oven/saucepan, put it on table.

I have one a bit like this but not quite as bad, he has never missed a flight for example. His Mother had and is appalling. I know he is undiagnosed ND, I have spoken to him about it and he doesn’t disagree but will not take meds if that was the case. I took a course many years ago as was dealing with students with disabilities and had a lightbulb moment regarding DH.

He has flexible working and rings me just as he leaves work, I used to get pissed off if he said I will be home at x time and then be late. I do find the micro managing annoying but after almost 30 years he will not change. I find when it comes to division of labour he is best off doing cleaning rather than sorting due to distraction. There is also limited stuff in the house, he has his office and 2 sheds that have his crap in. Avoiding having lots of bits and bobs about has helped as he gets distracted like a magpie.

Maybe you should go back to work? You are not really a sahm if your child is in childcare so much. It sounds like you are dissatisfied with your life and blaming your husband.

but surely you get your "few hours"? You said that it's "at least" one day a week that he's still there at 9.30, so that means you have two days when you come back to an empty house. And even if he is there at 9.30 he presumably leaves soon afterwards, leaving you on your own for at least a couple of hours. Why is it so imperative that he not be there at 9.30 on the dot? Plus you probably get more time to yourself when your child sleeps?

Set alarms around the house for important events and tell him if he's not ready by 'x', you're going alone or finding alternative options

My husband is always late too, always faffing. I no longer run for trains, I sit in the car and wait for him or stand with the front door open. He feels the stress then not me

Seriously? You really can't stand him, can you? I'm gobsmacked that he didn't leave you at the point you told him you couldn't bear to have him around the house.

it really boils my blood when people have no sense of urgency in them. I know of a few people who despite being pushed for time just have to have that ‘last cigarette’ before they go, or faff about with something that is not urgent, or get up late and then decide to make a cooked breakfast and sit and eat it while you’ve got your coat on waiting to go, or they have to polish their shoes just as you’re about to walk out of the door, or they need the toilet one last time, can’t function without that coffee first etc! It’s just downright selfishness and puts a lot of stress on other people who they are also causing to be late. Not only that it’s downright rude to people who are waiting for them at the other end!!!

People can get help if they understand what is driving the behaviour. Obviously it isn’t for MN threads to diagnose, but I think a lot of people on here ( including those diagnosed) recognise these challenges and some have had success dealing with it post diagnosis. I don’t think anyone feels OP needs to sacrifice her well-being; on the contrary, it could unlock a solution for her.

As a ND family we’re all varying degrees of late or anxiety-driven ridiculously early. It can be a genuine problem. However, your problem seems not to be so much that he’s late but that you want him out of the house. Honestly, I don’t feel that about my husband. That’s what’s at the root of your issue.

Op, have you tried couples counselling and individual counselling. I think you’re very overwhelmed and have talked about poor mental health?

ADHD or not, it doesn't change it from being an absolute pain in the arse for the op, who invariably ends up taking on far more of the load because of it.

But...

If it is ADHD, it's not being done because he's lazy, rude, selfish, disrespectful, other words used here - it's time blindness. Dd is getting assessed - brushing her teeth can take half hour because she just loses herself in a day dream. And it's all the time.

It is an absolute pain to live with to be honest. And I love this kid. When you don't, like the op, then I agree with what you said upthread op, there's no coming back from this. Adhd or not.

Don't be spiteful and obtuse.

I ended a friendship over selfish lateness.

Does he actually ‘hear’ what you are saying? Does he sympathise? Is he contrite? Does he care? That would be such an important factor.

I would not stay in a relationship like this. It would grind me down and I would feel happier, more free and in control alone.

My MIL is like that - always has been. I suspect she does have (inattentive) ADHD as my DD does as well, which obviously makes it harder for her - but not impossible.

After putting up with it for a few years, she then made DS really late for a production he was in and we now just give her a time and if she's not ready, we go without her. Same with dinner, I even go in and say that it's dinner in 10 minutes and she'll be faffing around upstairs doing something, so we just eat without her, she was here at the weekend and one days she came down so late that most of the food was eaten and we made her a sandwich.

Well done for sticking to your guns about what you need to help with your mental health. It would be so easy to just roll over and accommodate him.

Coming home to an empty house might seem silly to some people, leaving without him, setting alarms etc is also reasonable. But if he's impacting your mental health so severely you have to put your dc into nursery to give yourself some much needed 'you' time to recover, means he should be doing everything he can to help. If you had a physical injury such as a broken leg or a virus, if you asked him to pick up tablets or take you to a doctors appointment on time mn would be in arms about him being late or not helping. Just because it's a mental health issue for you doesn't mean he can play the 'I can't help it card'

You've given him an ultimatum and he's not put things in place to help. He could go to the gp. He could make lists etc. I work with someone who has diagnosed adhd and he does many things to ensure he can be fully functional in the workplace and at home. He's obviously not taking 3 hours to do things at work otherwise he'd not have a job, so he's 'choosing' not to put mechanism's in place at home and relying on you to pick up the slack - which is obviously impacting your mh.

Can you go to your parents and stay for a few weeks to recharge? Have a few days in an airbnb? Leave him with the dc over the weekend etc. maybe a shock to his system is what's needed to push him into getting help. Or maybe it's what you need to confirm life is easier without him

Nonsense. I have ADHD and terrible time blindness and you just have to give yourself a very big kick and find strategies not to let other people down. You can't go through life using it as an excuse to wreck other people's lives - especially not your children's.

I think the OP has gone beyond the point of salvaging this relationship. But in her position, the best thing to do would be to drop their child at nursery then go and have a coffee on her own. He might have left the house by the time she gets back. I like an empty house too so I can completely sympathise. I can feel other people breathing.

As for other events: if he isn't ready, just take your child and go. This includes flights. If he can't get his act together, he doesn't deserve to come.

If something really matters to someone with ADHD, they will be the first person in the queue. If they're not, it doesn't actually matter to them that much (which tells its own story).

One of my DC is the same as me, and has missed several things through not being ready on time.

If it is ADHD, it's not being done because he's lazy, rude, selfish, disrespectful, other words used here - it's time blindness. Dd is getting assessed - brushing her teeth can take half hour because she just loses herself in a day dream. And it's all the time.

For an adult, it is selfish and disrespectful if you know your behaviour is upsetting and inconveniencing your partner and you just keep going. Your example is a child, not your husband.

It is so annoying how predictable it is that a woman will post about her husband not pulling his weight and MN posters will rush in to say ‘it’s probably ADHD; he can’t help it’.

I'm thinking you probably don't have a loved one with ADHD @UnremarkableBeasts .

Whatever their sex. Whilst the diagnosis doesn't make any difference to the outcome, manifesting here as the op doing everything, it does make a difference to the motive. Dd 'thinks' she's going as fast as is possible. She'll yell 'just coming mum' and appear fifteen minutes later having only had her shoes to put on, genuinely believing she was just coming. It's not malicious. It is a massive pain in the arse.

I've been living my life late for most things since I've had responsibility for my own time. It's worse when I'm stressed, kids definitely make it a bit harder. Although I've had to learn to adapt to be on time for work and the school run, I'm a ball of stress surrounding those things and can fall off the wagon which means I still end up 5 minutes late for those from time to time. The more time I have, the worse it can be though because I can faff so it's worse for social events at weekends. I absolutely hate being late and it makes me anxious.

It turns out, I scored quite high as having many ADHD traits this year, I'm not hyperactive, rarely impulsive (unless it's with a chocolate bar or the occasional splurge on bargains!) but lots of inattentive traits and awaiting assessment. There is literally too much going on in my head, I can get overwhelmed and I'm distractible. Have you looked into this being a possibility, maybe look at a list of traits? Could you look at DH getting up earlier?

I'd also recommend the RoutineFlow app, it's helped me a lot lately to see what I need to in the mornings and evenings. You create your routine and set how long everything should take (although there's pre-made routines for brushing teeth, showering, etc. which give suggested times). You can easily see how long everything will take, I now know I need at a minimum 45 minutes in the morning to do everything I need to do, so try and give myself a bit longer. The timer on it counts down each task and they feed into one another so no more "I'm just going to load the washing machine" when I can physically see I haven't got time to do it and the next task is starting. You could extend this to stuff you need DH to help with too, he might not be as overwhelmed by the requests if he knows something might only take 3 minutes to do and a total of 20 minutes.

If you told him to be ready for a time 2 hours earlier would that help? Surely if you did it once and he was on time then you could demonstrate that he has an issue with time that you need to seriously address.

Obviously it's hugely frustrating. You do need to lay it on the line as to how it impacts you. ADHD (or otherwise) or not, he needs to address this somehow.

Could you use the time that your child is in nursery to do something for you?

Join an art class, go to the gym, yoga, meet a friend for coffee, see a counsellor?
( You could even have your shower etc at the gym, take time doing your hair etc).
Or go for a lovely walk. There may be some groups (Ramblers?) or classes you could join.

What did you enjoy before you had a child or when you were younger? Singing? Dance? horse riding?

Just thinking that it would help to start getting ‘back to you.’

I would also get a cleaner, if you haven’t already got one.