Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

His lateness isn't your responsibility you need to be responsible for yourself and leave him to it. If he misses a flight or gets a warning at work that's on him.

With regard to telling him to be out the house by a certain time that's out of order he lives there too and is entitled to leave when he's ready.

The fact he's getting up earlier suggests he's trying to be the person you want him to be.

You need to learn to relinquish control over this. You sound unhappy generally so you need to figure out what is making you unhappy and how that can change.

It sounds as though he might have ADHD.

What exactly are you doing? How do you not know how long it takes to do things you do regularly? And how do you manage to be on time for your kids? Were you ever late for an exciting date with a new boyfriend or an amazing holiday you really wanted to go on?

I’m fairly confident your mental health will improve massively once you don’t have to deal with this bullshit everyday.

I can’t believe this is my life
It doesn’t have to be.

I'm generally late, disorganised and scatty.

I can be in time when something is important but it takes a huge amount of effort.

I am the main care give and a full time carer for one of my 3 kids. My eldest rejoiced the day he could walk himself to school because he could finally be on time.

My middle child doesn't understand time and is on reduced hours at a special school so he doesn't know or care what time it is.

The youngest has ADHD and mild ASD. He claims to want to be on time, but like me, he can't manage it.

Everyone who loves me knows I put a massive amount of energy into organising my day and respects that I am a loving Mum and friend who is kind and thoughtful.

My friends book my tickets to places and text me reminders that I need to start leaving the house etc. My husband has faults too and I work hard to accept him as he is, the way he has accepted me.

I have also had to accept my own difficulties which has been a struggle as I want to be on time. But it's never gonna happen and I'm glad that my friends/family love me like they do.

OP talk to your dh, explain how it's making you feel and the impact it has. I don't think you can change him so it's either acceptance or splitting up. Try couple's counselling first tho.

If you think the relationship is over, you may have to go back to work and be prepared to start over. Don't ever stop striving for happiness-life is too short to waste.

Both I and adult DD have ADHD. We’re on time for everything, to the point where we are sometimes very early. This is because we know that if we didn’t put all of our focus into being on time we would be late and we detest lateness! It means that if we have to be somewhere we don’t allow ourselves to faff around. Don’t get me wrong, I can be at home for a day and spend the whole day faffing! But I am never late. ADHD doesn’t excuse you being inconsiderate to others.

It sounds like OP is at breaking point and not in a position to try and support her DH in this any further. He needs to take some responsibility. Either implement his own strategies or, if he really can’t do that, then yes maybe seek a diagnosis. There’s plenty of stuff online for people with ADHD to help manage their time better. I’m not medicated, I just have found various strategies to address problem areas. It’s called being an adult and responsible for my own behaviour.

Maybe he does have ADHD. He can make appointments or be on time for things when he wants to, is that how it works?
You describe my H exactly OP, and no, he certainly doesn’t have ADHD, he’s just ignorant and doesn’t care about how his incessant lateness affects others.
I’ve had 45 years of it, I no longer let it get to me. I simply tell him that if he’s not ready I’m going without him and I follow it through.

Can you teach him? My mum was late for everything and I worked out early on that you work out the time you need to be somewhere and subtract the individual times it takes to get the tasks done and drive etc .

Do you think he has adhd or similar ? Can he just not do it? Or is he just sleeping?

I think you’re both struggling to be honest but in different, incompatible ways. It’s a very sad situation.

Obviously his lateness frustrates you but for him to be getting up 3 hours early to try and keep you happy and for you to want him out of the house by a certain time so you get time without him sounds very unfair on him. Chances are he has got worse as the demands on him have changed, and even if it seems like he’s not doing a great deal, he’s clearly struggling with something.

You have mentioned a few times, your struggles with mental health and it seems like you’re feeling overwhelmed and irritable with him generally but in relation to this issue specifically. Are you getting support for your mental health?

If I’m interpreting your posts correctly, part of the issue is that his routine means that he’s not helping with the child through the week. Can you negotiate and agree days when he needs to be home by a certain time to help you with the child or so you can go out? If that means he misses out on hours at work because of his timekeeping that’s an issue he has to navigate. That feels kinder than I want you out by x time so I can have time without you.

No one here can say whether your husband has ADHD or not but my faffer ex-husband who is very much as you describe is not so far as I can tell. But even if he were, unless the person accepts the diagnosis, commits to trying to meet the other person half way, apologises when they majorly screw up, has an awareness and cares about how their actions impact others.....well from the point of view of the OP, what difference does what he is labelled really make?

If my ex husband had even once said 'look, I know I'm a disaster and it makes life really stressful for you' it would have made such a difference to me - has your husband done that OP? If he has, there's hope! If he hasn't and won't, I think you have your answer.

Some of the people are totally disregarding the main points what OP has mentioned and seems like some of them are just concentrating why OP wants her husband out of the house after she drops her little one to nursery. I believe the main issues here are that he gets up early and although he does nothing for his child he still manages to be late frequently to work and then he comes back late in the evening when OP has already done all the childcare alone - this is not normal in a relationship that your husband is not doing anything for your child 5 days a week. Also, because you yourself were strong financially as per you so you are not with him because he is taking care of the financial side of the things. This situation is gonna create negativity in your mind and the more it continues, you would want to break this marriage.
I sympathise with you OP, I totally get why you are so frustrated. When my daughter was going to nursery my husband took a job really far away and will come back only when my daughter has slept off and everything I managed on my own. That one year really impacted me. Like you even I had worked hard in my career but after marriage I couldn't work because of my husband's impulsive decisions. The only thing which helped to some extent was - I took over all the major decisions so that he doesn't incur any financial or other loss (because of his hasty decisions). It was not because I am controlling, it's because he is not good in taking decisions at all and we have incurred a lot of losses whenever my husband took a decision, one of the example is - trying to sell a property on a much less price compared to what we paid for buying and then arguing with me. You just need to take care of your mental health and your daughter OP, if your mental health is getting affected because of him, please leave him.

Posts like this are so toxic, OP. They’re putting words into your mouth and telling you to leave the father of your child. Imagine how you’d feel about an adult that broke up your family because of their projections on the internet. You may or may not decide to leave, but that choice should be after you get some space and see your DH for what he really is. We don’t have enough info on whether he’s supportive and loving or selfish and it doesn’t seem as if you do either, as you’ve made no mention of what you’ve done to try and coach him? Or if he’s depressed WFH, even? Anyway, be very careful of going down the rabbit hole if listening to people telling you to jack in your marriage because of their own issues. Taking the easy way out, of assuming and blaming and being hysterical, is not an option if you want to do the best by your daughter. Ring Relate or a marriage counsellor today and write down what you want for your life and your daughter’s. Even for your husband if you want. Then you can go about getting it. But don’t walk away from your marriage at the hardest point because he’s WFH and late and you’re SAH and frustrated. Be sure, for all of you.

I’ve not read the whole thread but since it seems to be effecting every area of his life including to his own detriment I don’t think this is about lack of respect for you. Sounds like undiagnosed ADHD or dyspraxia.

You have obviously never experienced the need for peace and quiet and time alone.

I have a suspicion that this man isn't just late for everything, but fannies about doing nothing and preventing the @Dazedandfrazzled from doing anything either because he manages to get in the way of everything.

Some people just need "alone" time. Don't just want it - NEED it.

If this appallingly selfish man feels he "needs" to faff about constantly he should at least give her the mornings to herself . Her time is at least as important as his.

@Dazedandfrazzled - if he is meeting his friends for a pint or whatever, does he manage to get his arse into gear then, or is he still as bad?

OMG! Just leave already! Chances are your mental health would improve tenfold without this waster stressing you out all the time. How dare he? He sounds like a suffocating manchild who just can’t be bothered with family life! Most decent dads would go to work early and leave early in this situation, both to help you out and because they actually wanted to see their child. He seems to avoid both you and the little one. No wonder you’re going loopy, stuck in Groundhog Day with no support. Just think - living alone, calm and peace and no one actively hindering you. No resentment that he hasn’t done something. Absolute bliss.

Yes I thought this very early on in your responses and when I got to the bit about getting up early, seeming like he is trying etc I felt it was even more likely. Lots of adults have struggled with it without getting diagnosed. I know that doesn’t make the wait less frustrating but maybe it would help you feel less that he is doing it on purpose. It could lie behind some of your other relationship issues too. I’d pick a moment when you are not at loggerheads or feeling too frustrated and table getting an assessment. At the very least it would wake him up to his seriously you are taking it - but I also think it’s a very real possibility. Things can be done to help adhd and it would help both of you.

I think you need to go back to work to be honest. If you are thinking of leaving him you’ll need financial independence.

Can people please stop internet diagnosing ADHD?

Apart from anything else, being totally inconsiderate of how your behaviour is affecting your wife is not a symptom of ADHD.

He’s faffing about for 3 hours in the morning, while the OP sorts out the baby and the housework and even takes the baby to nursery. He’s not pulling his weight. No wonder the OP is feeling resentful about it.

I think it’s fine to suggest looking into it. That isn’t a diagnosis but could unlock the problem.

Can you negotiate and agree days when he needs to be home by a certain time to help you with the child or so you can go out?

It’s not helping the OP to step up and participate in parenting his own child.

Thank you everyone for your time. I have read each and every comment and I truly appreciate all of them.

I don’t think it’s hopeless at all.

My advice would be to get some counselling for yourself. You deserve to be well and happy. Just go until January and see if it is helping.

He is not helping you at all with being a parent and he can’t get away with that anymore, no wonder you are upset. He needs to get routines/schedules in place and drop your daughter to nursery every day.

All the very best.

As someone with diagnosed ADHD, it doesn’t look like suggesting an avenue. It looks like an OP posting about a husband who isn’t pulling is weight and loads of posters saying ‘oh it sounds like he has ADHD’.

Even if he does have ADHD, the problem is that he’s a hindrance rather than any kind of proper co-parent to his wife. And he seems quite happy for that to be the case.

I completely get the frustration OP. I had one of these and it used to drive me up the wall. You’d agree to go out at x-time, I’d rush around getting ready, sorting the house and all the chores and then be left sitting downstairs ready to go for 45 minutes or more waiting for him to appear.

if i tried to manage him I was told “he knows we’re going out” and he’d carry on fannying about if i left him to it then he’d carry on fannying about. It was emotionally exhausting, physically exhausting as it left me doing all the wife work. But it was disrespectful to my time as well- for the time I was waiting for him to appear I couldn’t start a job as I wouldn’t know if he’d be 20 minutes or an hour.

i left eventually- we had so many rows about it and nothing changed. It bothered me that he could see how upset it was making me and he wouldn’t try to change. I don’t know what the answer is for you, but I get the deep rooted sense of frustration and anxiety this causes you. Dealing with this day in day out is horrible

Why should op have to teach him? Surely he is big enough and old enough to teach himself. Op shouldn’t need to mother him and treat him like a baby. Punctuality is something you teach your to kids, not a grown man.