Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

Ah … yes I think I see. I think it needs quotation marks or it’s hard to differentiate from something you are saying directly. Anyway, now she knows.

@Dazedandfrazzled
What is the layout of your home OP? I’m trying to get a sense of where all this is happening.

Are you and baby getting having breakfast in the kitchen and he’s lurking in a separate room in front of a giant telly, away from the domestic grind? Or is it that he’s sitting at the table with you but watching the news or something over your shoulder?

You probably want to avoid your toddler getting into the habit of watching television in the morning because as soon as they get into it and learn how to use that remote control, it will become a huge issue to drag them away from it too! Perhaps that could act as a lever on his better nature?

Could a simple change to your layout or habits help? A fancy new waffle maker that he uses each morning to make breakfast for you all? Setting the table the night before so that you all sit down together?

He needs to be slow in the morning, fine. But could he be slow with a podcast, moving around rather than sitting static in front of the television? Could he listen to a podcast and unload the dishwasher while he does so? Just some thoughts.

Is it the case that you’re dependent on him financially at the moment due to looking after LO? When did things start to change? How long ago was it that he wasn’t late for everything?

@littlebopeepp234 yes the tea is gross. I like it hot and strong.
His mum for example will turn on the kettle then wander off and faff about. Come back after about 10 mins and put the (now cooled) water on the teabag. Have to let it stew for another 10 mins because the water wasn't hot enough. Then because it's over stewed she will dump a load of milk on top to try and balance it out. So you get cold, over brewed, over milky tea. I've never seen anything quite like it.
DH only has to load the dishwasher and brush teeth and get changed before bed. Somehow that takes an hour.

Anyway sorry op, not my thread, just showing solidarity x

@AnonyLonnymouse We have open plan, so he is sitting watching TV while I'm in the kitchen, then I'll move to where he is and give my toddler breakfast. I hate that thw TV is on as well as I don't think it's good for the LO plus often the news is quite depressing so I think it's also quite a negative way to start the day. The positive side is he and the toddler interact while he is having breakfast, watching TV and planning his list so they have about half an hour to an hour in the morning together (which is actually a good thing otherwise they'd have no time at all). Also thanks to all those with various suggestions, the problem is he's not very open to change so it makes it difficult and in fact then often things fall back on me as well eg it would be me then who cleans the waffle maker!

He's always been late for everything, that's why I'm so stupid I didn't realise the impact it would have long term and after having a baby. What I didn't realise is that it basically takes him 3 hours to get ready, I has always been out of the house so didn't see this, I knew he was slow but not this slow. I feel like a total idiot and feel so guilty about bring a child into this shitty situation with two unhappy parents

I'm also trying to remind myself that it's taken 2.5 years to get to this state of exhaustion to the point that I don't recognise myself and that I'm not going to suddenly feel great, it will take time. I also realise that it's not all him and that there have been multiple things that have got me to this place. Somedays I honestly feel that I will just lose it. This is also why I think therapy might help me, I really need to talk about this alot, I have so much frustration built up and just can't see the wood for the trees.

Ha ha, this made me smile. My husband has a solution to this, he microwaves his coffee to the point where it is piping hot so it must take awhile to get cold, although he does drink it cold too. I've just realised this is why he must do this!!

Oh@Willyoujustbequiet the irony of you bemoaning the derail. Made my day!

yes. Far too much derailing. I wonder how that started?

I don't know! We had an unusual ceremony where he had to be there half an hour earlier to do some things (light a candle etc), and to mitigate that risk his best man picked him up and took him. He was however a pallbearer at his grandmothers funeral and everyone was standing at the coffin while he was still faffing in the car. I should have left him then!! I was really worried when I was pregnant and what would happen if I went into labour and needed to get to the hospital suddenly (I had to be induced so this wasnt an issue). When I think about it the signs were there I have no idea why I didn't see them. I think before it was sometimes amusing, then mildly annoying and now it's almost unbearable and becoming consuming.

@Dazedandfrazzled do you actually love him? Can you imagine life without him in it for you and your child? Do you think your life would be better without him?

The rigidity around him saying he won't change could be a sign of something but he really needs to be the driver of talking to someone about all of this. Regardless of what his issue is, when you have children you have to adapt, you don't get a choice but you can change things to work for your lifestyle. I have had to rework my mornings and me and my DH split things. 3 hours before work is absolutely bonkers, ADHD or not. Watching TV whilst you do the running around is disrespectful and he's taking the utter piss knowing you will pick up the slack. Surely he can write a list before bed? He can listen to the news in the car or when the DC are in bed? Although plenty of people do watch the news with DC around and I'm not sure that itself is so awful.

However, it's totally understandable you've lost your respect and desire for him. I have for my husband at times where his support has been so non existent it's made me more overwhelmed and stressed than I need to be. I'm sad for you that you think you need to fix only yourself and this is completely your issue, those posters are being harsh. You could probably get through it but he needs to want to grow and improve himself along with you. He needs to meet you in the middle for your relationship to work.

Could you leave DC with him one weekend and go and have a break? Maybe it'd enlighten him? Maybe couples therapy would work? Although he seems like a bit of an arse if I'm honest and I wonder if there are any redeeming factors.

@Hibiscrubbed I'm making no assumptions. Even those with disabilities can be ableist in their thinking. My sentiment still stands, shame on you.

I honestly don't know. I don't think I do, I know most of the time I don't like him but then yesterday when he looked so sad after we talked about it (yet again), I felt so bad thay he feels bad. I'm really, really confused. I often think I'd be happier without him, I feel even though he does little to 'help' something is better than nothing so it would be harder but then overall I wouldn't feel so stressed and angry all the time. We do have the occasional moment and it's nice when we do things as a family, but these occasions are rare. I guess I wonder if we will be able to push through this and if I can get out of this negative mindset. It's very hard for me to remember the good things.

@WobblyCat when we talked hw said he couldn't do his list the night before because it then stresses him out and then he can't sleep. When I think about it, early on on the relationship he would tell me not to tell him to hurry up as that would make him slower. He also does these kinds of things that also make me think he's manipulating me, but this is where I do wonder if I'm going crazy and he does have a good heart and I don't think he would intentialu o that, but maybe he is doing it at a subconscious level. He's had a rough childhood so he's very defensive and sees everything as a criticism so this is why I end up bottling things up

@Dazedandfrazzled

I feel even though he does little to 'help' something is better than nothing so it would be harder but then overall I wouldn't feel so stressed and angry all the time

Well, you're wrong there. Nothing is better than the wrong thing. And it wouldn't be harder overall on your own. On your own it's "Well, it's up to me" and you just get on with it. With a useless/mostly useless partner it's "It shouldn't be all up to me! Why doesn't he help?". The emotional weight of resentment is a heavy load to bear. Shouldering full responsibility when you're on your own is usually a much, or at least a little lighter, load.

And as far as love, well, love isn't always enough. You can love someone to distraction but that doesn't mean they are right for you.

I think therapy is a great idea. A good therapist can help you lay all this out and 'pick through it' until you arrive at the decisions that is best for you.

You've done it again.

I say you look foolish....you then say the same back..
I say the irony....you then say the same back.

Are you capable of original thought?

They do say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery so thank you!.

My sons friend is 45 he's a lovely guy incredibly good looking, kind, clever but his relationships over the years have ended because of his chaos. Logically he knows that he has dyslexia, ADHD which works in his career but his time blindness means that he just isn't there so often for his girlfriends. He's desperate to be a father he's so good with children. It's heartbreaking sometimes.

@Dazedandfrazzled Forgive if you’ve already clarified this and I’ve missed it, but have you and your husband ever broached the possibility that he may have ADHD?

OP just a left field suggestion. You have mentioned several times DH is sheltered from the impact of his laziness because you pick up the slack with everything. Do you think you could bear to just stop for a bit? Just don’t pick up the slack. Or write a list dividing chores and do all yours but not his if that would limit the descent into chaos. I know it would be hellish watching it derailing but he sounds like he isn’t going to respond to discussion alone. And if you do get his attention I would suggest some professional investigation. We all make lists here and there but having it as such an overwhelming aspect of his daily agenda is not the sign of someone with normal executive skills.

Edited to remove what I was going to put.
As got too tired, and mixed up with who was who.
Sorry folks. Need

Everyone who wants a fight - I'll hold your coats. Round the back of the pub, yes. On OP's thread - a bit rude IMHO

@Calliopespa the problem is the time thing, so yes I think he'd do it but it might take days to get done so we'd run out of dishes, clothes etc. I think this is where I feel helpless with the slow factor, because even if he tried things would take forever to get done. We'd never be able to leave the house.

This is just screaming neurodiversity. ADHD. My husband is similar. It’s infuriating. I have 3 children and will have myself and the 3 kids ready to go places and he won’t even have managed to get himself ready. It drives me nuts but I wouldn’t end my marriage over it. He can’t help it. Why did you marry him? Surely you knew this about him.

Being neurodiverse does not let you off taking your fair share of life.
It doesn't mean you can just go "Oh I've got ADHD, I can't help it!"

There are strategies people can use, and I am one who has had to find them. It took a long time trying various things to find what worked for my particular unique brain.

Or you can go the medical route, and if you have a diagnosis, you can then try meds.

(Sorry, @DM1720 after I posted, I realised my post might seem to be getting at you. But I didn't see yours till I'd already written this one and posted Post.) <presses Update>

@DC1888
I didn't realise it was this bad. A child now changes everything and adds to the stress and resentment, although in fairness it probably would've eventually worn me down as I start thinking about getting older and this is my life and I don't want to waste and hour or two per day waiting for someone else. I'm not filling in the time with anything fun, I just end up doing the chores. It;s a pretty shitty life.