Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

Did you care for your children? Get them to school/parties/hobbies? Was SS involved because of the state your house was in?

Oh OP I really hope you don't condemn yourself to a life of misery in staying in this marriage.
He's telling you to like it or lump it.

I know what I'd choose.

I actually did have social services concern over my parenting/the state of my house when DS1 (now a teenager) was very little, it is a pernicious myth that the level of functioning someone has is directly related to how much they care.

My ADHD is now diagnosed and treated. I have much better support from my DH, and a much better understanding of what I actually need to be doing, and I don't think any social worker would have any concerns if they could see into my life now (thankfully). I don't know if your point is that ADHD by itself is not a reason to assume somebody will be a bad parent - I agree. But it absolutely can bring with it challenges which exacerbate the normal challenges of parenting and make things hard.

I don't know what the OP's DH's motivations or thoughts are, if your point is more that his lack of involvement is completely separate to any potential attention disorder. But statistically, yes ADHD parents are more likely to have SS involvement, as well as suffer with mental health issues, addiction, to have a divorce (or to be unmarried/unplanned/single parents in the first place), to be in an abusive relationship (of which the distribution is exaggerated from the general stats - so ADHD men are more likely to be abusers while ADHD women are more likely to be abuse victims), to be violent (whether or not this is directed at the child/ren), to be imprisoned. and children with ADHD (remember, likely born to at least one parent with ADHD) are significantly more likely to experience ACEs.

It's not a nice fluffy truth, it's quite an upsetting one actually as a parent with ADHD, and it feels almost dangerous to discuss it as honestly I think ADHD has enough stigma as a disorder, but if you want to look at the statistics, that's what they say.

I'm not a morning person but he's using it as an excuse to opt out of family life completely.

3 hours to get himself ready is a piss take. And conveniently getting home after all baby duty is out of the way.

If he gave a shit about either of you he would start work earlier so he could be home to help.

My DP would drop child off then go to work leaving me to few hours peace.

I think if your marriage results in you needing anti depressants, then there's something very wrong. Absolutely get some therapy for yourself and talk it all out with someone. It will help you gain some clarity. He isn't going to change. You know that now. So now it's whether you want to live with it or not.

I’d say half the world isn’t a morning person but that doesn’t make morning responsibilities disappear. Basically he has just shrugged at you.

if he’s not leaving the house until 9.45, his workday runs late, so he comes home when bath and bedtime are done by the OP … so every day is part of the cycle. Atrocious. And he doesn’t care enough to try to organise himself for one day. Can he do his list-making the night before? Also - what lists does he need? Put on shoes?!

This!! What gets me is while he is doing this, not only is he not there to help support op look after their child, it seems he probably isn’t around much to interact with his child either. I mean what does he do in these 3 hours in a morning apart from watch Telly? Does he not interact with his child much at all op?

If he's not a morning person and thinks you just have to accept that, does he not think that some compensation is necessary? eg, I assume this means he's brilliant in the evening and is doing all the chores then.... No, I didn't think so.

Whoa, so he doesn't even support you financially either?!

You'd be better off apart, mentally, physically and financially.

He can clearly run to time, he just doesn't respect you enough. He's awful.

What was he like before you were married and had a baby? I’d suggest that he was probably a bit better than this unless he lived with his mother and always had someone picking up his pants and providing his meals.

Im guessing that having you there, especially as a SAHM has allowed him to take his foot even further off the pedal and basically onto cruise control- a situation where you can do as little as humanly possible to get by. Cruising through life in your own sweet time with no pesky time restrictions.

Definitely get support for yourself @Dazedandfrazzled . If you feel there could be scope for a better relationship then consider couples counselling- even if you split then your communication should be better.

Be that as it may, it is still unreasonable to demand he leave the house every workday at a certain time.

The issues you are experiencing are issues that are 'yours'. Trust me, I understand the claustrophobia. My DH and I are retired. I love him dearly but there are times I think "Will you just get out from under my feet!!!???". He's also naturally a very 'loud' person; needing background noise, humming/singing about the house, 'loud feet', etc. and I tend to like a quiet house and think "Hush. Up!".

I cherish the 'me time' and the silence I have when he goes hiking or 'hobby-ing'. But these are MY issues, not his and I need to be able to deal with it, not demand that he leave the house or STFU. I don't demand he get out of the house or demand X hours of absolute silence. And it's a two way street, I have little habits that irritate him (like tidying up behind him before he's done and hovering interfering when he's doing 'projects') but he doesn't demand I leave the house nor demand I maintain silence. Instead we talk, we explain calmly, and we try to listen and not 'annoy' each other (too much). I support and encourage his hobbies since they serve a purpose for me, too. And he calmly 'redirects my energy' (his term, lol) away from his 'projects' and I try not to clean up things when he's in the midst of them. My point is, it's compromise and working together. And that's worked for us for over 35 years.

If your feelings are that severe and intense, you need to consider counseling or perhaps returning to work. Or something else that gets you out of the house. Because I think part of the problem is not that he's in the house too much, it's that you're in the house too much or have become too 'rigid' in your routines.

I'm not giving your DH a 'pass' on this. He does need to work on his faffing when it affects the family's activities or other people. He does need to pitch in with the DC, especially in the AMs. He absolutely need to show more respect for you and others by being on time. So I'd say counseling for him, too.

It's a good thing to remember that someday, God willing, you and DH will be retired too. If you can't find a way to work together now, how do you think you'll cope when it's pretty much 24/7/365?

It sounds like some sort of joint counselling might be a good idea to see if there is common ground to be found.

My concern would be that you find your "freedom" by going back to work, only to go on for another 20 years and retire and then discover that you still don't actually like spending time with each other.

Something clearly has to give now, but it's good that you've both acknowledged your feelings.

I must say I am intrigued what this morning "list" involves that takes 3 hours, if you're doing everything with the DC.

I am a massive procrastinator in the mornings (also not a morning person). I can get up and out if I need to, but if I don't, I'll take everything at a bit of a snail's pace. It's my "me" time in a way - just me tucked away in the bathroom to myself.

It doesn't, however, have a bearing on anyone else (no child commitments, for example) and I am still on time for work every day.

So first you misquote me about the OP then you contradict yourself by blaming me for not addressing the OP. You can't have it both ways lol

You even doubled down using the language I responded to you with. Too much effort to think was it?

It's like shooting fish in a barrel so will leave you to crack on. Its derailed enough.

@Dazedandfrazzled

I sometimes wonder what will happen when I go back to work. If he helped with a nappy or nursery drop off I'm sure that would add another half hour or hour to his morning. I do almost all of the the housework, so if that was shared I don't even understand how that would work. Maybe this is part of what is stressing me out subconsciously, it's safe to assume it will mostly default to me

This is the bit for me I'd struggle to get past. He's happy to let you shoulder all the child rearing, housework etc, yet he's not willing to try and make it out the house before 9.30, which would help you with your mental health. That's not the actions of someone who cares about you as a person.

He's almost saying you either put up, or shut up as I'm not changing. And let's face it, why would he? He's got you running your mental health into the gutter to allow him to carry on as he wants. He's not even shouldering the financial burden either. Urgh I'm getting the ick just reading this

OP I'm heartened to read your update as I think it shows that you can be honest but still listen and so you can both move forward now.

You need different things but can be open with each other about your needs. If he can't be out of the house, he can be out of your way. You can agree that you will go straight upstairs or to the kitchen or wherever you need to and he can get himself ready and out without disturbing or even speaking to you. He needs to take his time. Ok. But he doesn't get to bother you.

If there are other stress points in the day or week you can make it clear to each other what you both need. It is better than trying to change someone else. That's always stressful.

How about you wait till there is more evidence of a diagnosis before you accuse of her being abusive to a disabled person?

Your attitude to a stressed and struggling poster with poor MH is appalling.

@Dazedandfrazzled may also have PND in which case her partner is dragging her down further rather than being supportive.

Er, hello kettle. This is the pot. You’re black.

You’re literally telling a person with mental health issues to just suck it up and get on with it.

Your attitude is equally ‘appalling’.

My partner certainly doesn’t seem to realise that asking someone the same simple thing over and over again (to be out of the house by 9:30 on a working day is no hardship) feels humiliating

I think you got that a bit back to front. The pot calls the kettle black which means it is the pot who has double standards. Did you mean to cast yourself as pot?

Perhaps you should not make assumptions about my own situation before accusing me of ableism…

Try reading it again.

I am mimicking Anna8089

She is the pot calling the kettle black.

My dp is like this. I've asked him to get assessed for ADHD but to be honest his whole family are the same. Takes them an hour to go to bed. A good 20 minutes to make a cup of tea.
He can't get up in the morning unless I kick him out of bed and then still is soooo slow getting ready even when running late. Physically will not run for a bus, but can run a marathon no problems. It's like he can't HURRY. No urgency. Never any forward planning. Drives me bananas.

This made me chuckle. I’m wondering how it can take an hour to go to bed and 20 minutes to make a cup of tea! Has it not gone cold by the time they come to drink it? 🤣