Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

Its sounds like you're being abusive to a neurodivergent person. Do you also tell people in wheelchairs to get up and walk. Youre attitude is appalling.

My friend had a husband like this. Constantly late. They missed numerous flights.

They relocated across the world for his job and he missed the out bound flight so she had to fly ahead of him alone.
So late for honeymoon flight that car was dumped in short term car park at ridiculous expense.
In the end she used to travel separately without him and he would catch the next flights / train whatever. The money wasted was staggering.

Nothing she could do would change him. He is very bright and clever but has mental health issues.

My mother is just like this & the times I spent as a child rushing to everything because we were always late. I learnt to do everything as fast as possible & am still like this today despite trying to slow down & enjoy what I'm doing. I passed this need to be speedy on to my kids too & we're trying to change this over time - it is hard to change your natural programming.

The day I realised that my mum felt her time was more important than everyone elses time was an eye opener & I never felt the same about her after that.

I don't agree to meet her at any specific time at all & have a low contact relationship. (due to other reasons too not just this)

I had the same problem with my DH, and (mostly) fixed it, completely accidentally. He is not diagnosed with anything and has never looked into that route, but I've suspected he's a bit further up the ADHD spectrum than the average person, although possibly not by much.

First off is to say my DH has the enthusiasm of a puppy (usually one of the reasons I love him!). So it's not because he's selfish, it's because he was genuinely like "oh crap, I messed up today, next time I'll be fine though" and genuinely believed it every single day. It was driving me up the wall, because he was forever honestly optimistic it would be different next time, even though it never was (I am pessimistic anyway, so I never assumed anything other than him being late).

I yelled. I nagged. I explained why it was important to me. I let him see the consequences of things like missing out on stuff (we are self-employed so there's no boss to fire him if he's late; our employees aren't going to say anything). We had endless conversations about it that went nowhere because he was adamant next time he'd be on time. I made lists for him. I got him to make lists. Set alarms for different stages of tasks. Apps. I tried everything mentioned in this thread and more. Nothing worked, in fact it usually led to an argument.

One day while he was supposed to be leaving for something I just happened to say to him, "How can I help you get out of the house faster?"

This turned out to be a magic phrase for us for some reason, as simple as it is. I think it works for us because:

1. It instantly turns you into a team instead of being on opposing sides.
2. It reminds him of the time and which tasks he's trying to complete.
3. It's a single, memorable goal/outcome so easier to focus on.
4. He is very much a details person, so he's often focused on what he's doing at the time rather than looking at the (slightly) bigger picture of the end goal of getting out of the house, so it reminds him that he has other things to do and can't spend half an hour going through his work emails.
5. As a (genuine) form of help, it's not something that's taken as nagging, passive-aggressive, or anything someone can really find a problem with.

It has to be said at the time someone is trying to do something, not as a night-before conversation, theoretical/general discussion etc., and is best before he's actually late and still has enough time to be on time (there's still the optimism he can make it if he hustles, and he's not being set up to fail).

At first he would say things like, "can you grab my water bottle please while I pack up my laptop" or something like that.

After a while it became "Nothing, thanks" - he was planning ahead and getting more on track.

A while after that I stopped needing to say it at all. It doesn't mean he's always magically on time, sometimes he's not, but even on those days he's a lot less late than he used to be (sometimes he was 4-5 hours late for things, and now it's more like 20 mins).

Not saying it will work for anyone else but made a huge difference to us, so maybe worth a try?

Yup, I’ve had friends in the past who I’ve arranged to meet at an outdoor location and when I’ve arrived and sent them the ‘I’m here’ text, the response I’ve had is “ok I’m just starting to get ready now”. So means I’ve had to stand there waiting for them in the freezing cold for nearly an hour. Needless to say I’m no longer friends with these people.

A lot of people are throwing the ADHD label around but I’ve also known many selfish narcissistic types who behave exactly like this. My ex being one of them who seemed to take great pleasure out of making me stressed because we were late and he only ever bothered to make the effort to be on time for things he deemed to be ‘important’ to him! I have found for the most part, that people who are frequently late are aware of it but do nothing about it.

Hello @Dazedandfrazzled I just wanted to say that you don't sound "unhinged" to me. You sound like a woman at the end of her tether. I think the "frazzled" part of your name is spot on.

Don't doubt your feelings. Don't allow others to write them off as "unhinged". This is how you feel. This is how your husband's actions have made you feel. The reasons for why he behaves like that are irrelevant in a way. You're not supposed to suddenly like or live with this behaviour because someone on MN has come up with a reason, a diagnosis. Don't let them guilt you into squashing and denying your own feelings.

Hope you can find a way though this OP 💐

This comparison is insulting to nd people. Its not the ‘standing up for the disabled’ position you think it is.

A man choosing to drop the family ball is not comparable to expecting someone to walk. There are choices about which balls you can’t drop with ADHD - this man consistently drops the wife and family ball but doesn’t drop the work ball. I bet he doesn’t drop the his friends or his interest balls either. Just the ones he doesn’t think matter.

I did read it. It was incredibly ableist from someone who should know better.

It's shaming.

What's the situation when he has his morning relaxing sessions? Presumably, you get out of his hair and let him unwind else you wouldn't be complaining about it?

Me too.

People are clueless until they experience it and even then, as demonstrated on here, can continue to judge others.

This thread is awful.

Just putting a different perspective here OP, but what if his way of life is no less legitimate than yours?

Except of course, being late and missing a flight for a family holiday. That is clearly very bad and has a negative impact on the whole family. But this happened once. It would make me extremely cross but I wouldn’t leave my husband because of it.

But the getting up slowly and then being in work from 10(?) until 6.30(?) is not unusual in a flexible work environment.

Is the real issue that you are not happy with his contribution to the household ? If so, I would frame it that way with him.

My husband is very similar. But he does pull his weight. He just does things very differently to me. His whole family is late for everything and I’ve learnt that there are lots of people like that in the world.

It does sound like you need to look after your own mental health and not unusually for people who had young children during the pandemic, it is actually a year or two afterwards when it really starts to bite.

Is your child going to be starting school soon? Things should change significantly for you then.

I get the strong sense you need your own space and I hope you can find a way of getting the mental peace that you need.

Some of the responses on here have been dreadful.

If you are addressing me, you have misunderstood my posts.

There is obviously a massive difference between someone in a wheelchair and someone who can be on time when it matters (to them) but not when it doesn't matter (to them). The OP's husband is in this camp.

I would also be in this camp, were it not for the fact that I force myself to bear other people's needs in mind, even if I think they are being unreasonable to expect me to be on time because I'm so very important and special that I have to rock up half an hour late, whereas their time is worth nothing.

Well we don't know that this man is neurodivergent so your point is ridiculous. He could just as easily be lazy, disorganised, selfish, narcissistic or any one of a number of things. Or none of them. But even if he were ND - diagnosed by health professionals and not by Mumsnet - I don't see how the OP's behaviour could be described as abusive. At most, it's the occasionally unreasonable asking for things to try and ensure her mental health.

Maybe the parents of ND children should
stop telling the actual ND people that they’re wrong about the reality of having ADHD.

Maybe listen to us when we say that, as an adult with ADHD, it is possible to
recognise that your behaviour is a problem and to care about how it affects your spouse.

What's he doing in all that extra time OP? Is he on his phone, watching tv, just faffing around?

I'm one of them people who will leave at the last minute, and get somewhere on the dot and feel fine about it yet DP is stressed out running around and annoyed if we're not somewhere at least ten mins in advance. I know this isn't the same but reading through this thread has definitely opened my eyes to how I must be stressing him out at times!

There are choices about which balls you can’t drop with ADHD - this man consistently drops the wife and family ball but doesn’t drop the work ball.

I've got ADHD. Proper ADHD that saw me almost barred from mainstream education, not "I've got three kids and a senior exec job but can't finish my cleaning list on the weekend" ADHD.

I was single throughout most of my 20s as I had no energy left for relationships. All my energy went on my career and I was doing fantastically at work.

Maybe the parents of ND children should
stop telling the actual ND people that they’re wrong about the reality of having ADHD.

Maybe listen to us when we say that, as an adult with ADHD, it is possible to
recognise that your behaviour is a problem and to care about how it affects your spouse.

Agree wholeheartedly, @UnremarkableBeasts

Rubbish.

Tell me you know nothing about neurological conditions without telling me you know nothing about neurological conditions.

Maybe people would be wise not to assume others are neurotypical.

You know what they say about making an ass....

I think we are losing the plot here. Did OP post to have all “ blame” allocated to DH or to get advice as to how to move forward? If he is ND then the way forward is different from if he is, as you say, selfish. It’s about getting to the bottom of that, not about suggesting a diagnosis to somehow exonerate him, or poo-pooing the suggestion to pin him instead with selfishness or narcissism.

I feel you OP this would give me the ick. Massively.

Cannot abide manchildren

Yes. The test is whether they are able to be on time for the things that matter to them.

If they are then perhaps it's genuine neurodiversity, but that still doesn't oblige anyone to put up with it.

My husband is like this with time management but balances it out by being a fully contributing parent and partner. Could your husband be responsible for dropping your child at nursery? It's not a hard deadline like getting an older child to school so doesn't quite mirror a work meeting, but it helps us.

MN, where posters will diagnose a husband with ADHD and then start accusing people with ADHD of being ableist and not knowing what it’s like to live with their own condition because they aren’t just going along with the ‘oh he can’t help it; he’s got ADHD’.