Husband always late, can't take much more

[Dazedandfrazzled]

My husband is ALWAYS late. He's always been like this, but I'm sure it's getting worse, we now have a 2yo and quite frankly I am sick of it. I've talked to him about it over and over, he says he will change, but seems incapable. It's causing a huge strain on our relationship, not one week has gone by that he has managed to be 'on time'. Its actually starting to make me hate him and want to leave because every morning starts off with me feeling this huge stress and disappointment over it, which then impacts my whole mood and day. I'm in a negative rut and can't seem to get out of it. There are other things going on as well so far from a perfect relationship, but this is the core issue which then impacts everything else. I basically spend hours waiting for him (which then by default means I will be doing housework and looking after LO while he faffs around adding to the frustration).

I'm not even sure what I am asking, it seems like a stupid reason to break up a family but I truly feel that I can't take much more. WWYD?

I fully agree with you in terms of the general lack of help and the fact that he is late to social events etc. That is unreasonable.

But I can’t really see the problem with the mornings. You are a SAHM and getting your toddler to nursery for your own downtime, which is fine, but it isn’t as if he is making you late for anything. Does it really matter if he doesn’t get to work until 10am, if that is fine for his workplace? Just because it frustrates you to see him moving slowly in the morning, it doesn’t mean that there is anything actually wrong with this. If he was giving you a lift to something happening at a fixed time in the morning then you would have a point, but he isn’t - it’s just that you’re irritated by having him around for a mere matter of minutes, when he’s just about to leave the house anyway!

It may also be that his workplace has a ‘late’ working pattern. For many years I had a long commute and for several years of this I worked late/late. My boss also had a long commute and tended to arrive at 11am. She would have a few meetings then start to want conversations with me about 4.30 or 5pm, then I would need to follow up on these with work or emails afterwards. So I would arrive around 10.15 work until about 6.30pm then get a 7pm train. It worked fine and it would have been totally counterproductive for me to arrive in the office early but be chafing to leave by 5pm, as that time of day was when the most productive work interactions took place. She was a highly successful director and good at what she did. I was very good at my job and got excellent performance reviews.

Can you not reframe this in your mind and try to view the mornings just a little more positively? You are spending time together; you are fortunate to be able to afford nursery when you’re not working; you are fortunate that your husband has a short commute and a relaxed work schedule. His working hours are fairly reasonable and 7pm really isn’t that late to be home from work compared to what many families have to experience.

Perhaps other issues are clouding your view of things as there seem to be quite a few things to be thankful for in your setup.

There is obviously a massive difference between someone in a wheelchair and someone who can be on time when it matters (to them) but not when it doesn't matter (to them). The OP's husband is in this camp

Exactly.

And a person in a wheelchair can still be a functioning parent, change nappies, read bedtime stories, take the child to nursery in an adapted car etc.

The OP's DH is not being a functioning parent because he sees the OP taking up the slack. He may have ADHD, he may just be a selfish twit. It doesn't matter. It's not up to the OP to take up the slack, it's up to him to sort himself out. If there is medication available that helps those with ADHD he should be looking into whether it will help him. And if he's just a selfish twit he needs to change.

So he's out of the house by 9.30,doesn't return til 7pm and you still cannot stand having that small amount of time with him ? It sounds very much that the problem is you're angry being with him because you no longer love him and his presence is irritating.

Trying to banish a man from his own home because you find him irritating is completely unreasonable and he must feel extremely hurt. You've basically blamed your mental health problems on his presence, you're saying to him if you don't get out of here I'll stay unhinged.

He doesn't get back from work til 7pm,you're home all day,so of course childcare is your responsibility and as your child is in nursery such a lot, it seems he has the harder job.

Your husband has been accommodating your moods because he clearly loves you and you are obviously suffering post natal depression, you do realise that don't you?

As for his inability to be on time it's clearly not out of laziness,he works til 7 and helps with childcare on his weekends. Folk are mentioning adhd, it is very likely he may have some form of ocd ,which means certain rituals are taking a great deal of time before he can exit the house, ive witnessed this happen firsthand. People with ocd can be very good at disguising their behaviours and coping with integrating them into routines, way such a way that it can be a long time before others can see what's actually going on. Perhaps missing flights, being late for dinners (so that they may be cancelled) and you're not next to germy folk ,maybe a factor,especially post covid
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It seems to me that you are both having issues and rather than make rash decisions, you need to sit and talk,but you need to approach from a point of finding out why he is like he is,rather than demanding action,because otherwise he won't open up to you.

I know I will get flamed for this but I honestly believe that if your behaviour and way of operating in the world is such that it is likely to cause huge stress and anxiety for other people then you really need to think about whether you are prepared to do the hard work of meeting them half way or whether you would be better off living life in a way that makes sense for you but outside the conventional family set up. Not the same thing but I am at the stage in life where I absolutely do not want an 'all in' relationship with anybody but because of that I don't really date or get into relationships because it's not really fair to other people who usually want those norms (e.g. daily texts or phone calls if not meet ups). When you hitch your wagon to somebody else and especially when you have children, it is hard enough to do the kind of compromising needed to get along - if one person is very extreme in any respect be that in terms of time keeping or attitudes to money or cleanliness standards or whatever, then it will generally cause issues. I would hate to be the cause of someone else's frustration or unhappiness over a prolonged period of time and would rather just not go there if I couldn't or wouldn't be willing to at least try to change. Many on here have described that struggle and that willingness to try and I hugely admire them for their self awareness and hard work.

But how, if you do not know the person is neurodivergent. How does your comment help either of these people. Think you are just being unkind to a family that is hanging by a thread.

You've just spent all night posting on Mumsnet - you must be knackered! If that's a regular occurrence I'd be starting by sorting my sleep patterns out as that could hugely improve your MH.

Then you could have the headspace to make the serious decisions about what to do with your relationship rather than making them when you're already frazzled.

I'd say it's highly likely that your DH has an executive function disorder (adhd or similar), like everyone he can make an extra effort when he absolutely has to (for a flight or similar) but he cannot keep it up all the time. What we find normal and easy, people with adhd find a constant struggle.
For them the past, present and future exist simultaneously. This means that they find it very hard to learn from mistakes and so repeat the behaviour.
My son has a very successful career and a first class degree he has also missed exams, flights and many, many appointments. He even managed to miss a flight when he had been at the gate waiting; he is just so easily distracted.
But it sounds like you haven't much respect or love for your DH anymore and that's not just down to his adhd.

My first husband was like this. I was astonished when I met my 2nd husband and discovered that it didn't have to be like that. Someone else on here said that it felt like her husband felt like her time wasn't as important as his. I agree. I had the added problem that my husband had a skewed way of thinking he was being kind. For instance, once in an emergency with a client. They phoned while he was still in bed one Sunday, and he said "I'll be there in half an hour". When I said "How? How are you going to be there in half an hour? you will barely be leaving the house then. And they are 20 miles away" He refused to phone them back. He said they were relieved when he had said half an hour. He couldn't get that if he'd said 2 hours and then arrived early it would have done more for his reputation. I also couldn't get him to understand that it was better to ring at the time he should have left, rather than waiting until the time he should have arrived, and then ringing.

OP I think you've got a version of the "Ick".

His behaviour is really REALLY annoying the hell out of you and is eroding your affection.

I think I'd have one last try - absolutely lay your cards on the table and ensure he fully understands that this will end your marriage if it doesn't improve.

Good luck.

My husband is slow but not chronically late like you describe. I find actually it is a total lack of understanding of how long things will take, and a lack of planning in advance. Does your DH plan anything in advance? Like for example even getting up & ready in the mornings involves a rough plan of what activities you will do in what order and then be out the door by XX time. Is he capable of planning ahead for any tasks? Big or small. You could delve deeper into this lack of planning by starting with small tasks like dinner prep for a certain time and asking him to work out the steps what order and the timing. Like anything to be on time, it requires working backwards from the end goal.

To work on it with him would definitely be full of micro managing though which I appreciate you can’t be arsed with which is understandable!! Does he have a lack of concentration so bumbles between tasks? What is is faffing on. I would be persuading him to look deeper and really think about why he cannot plan ahead and make steps in a certain order without distraction. It’s a life skill you learn by the time you’re an adult; why hasn’t he got this ability? X

My dad was always like this. Parents got divorced in the end.

The lateness was not the only reason - but it didn't Help! In my younger days I invited dad round for Sunday lunch, cooked a roast. He was as usual about an hour late. I was raging. I've mainly done cold buffet food for him since.

Do you ever see things through to their natural consequences? I mean things like going on a day out or a show without him, things like that.

Oh please.
i don’t agree with this at all!!! He doesn’t have the harder job; it’s not about martyring one another it’s about teamwork and fair compromise and treating the other partner fairly and reasonably.

And yet @Willyoujustbequiet you seem happy to see the op labelled unhinged, controlling batshit, abusive etc based on your own internet diagnosis of her dh?

How come people with 'time blindness' aren't chronically early all the time?

If it were a genuine thing then there'd be a 33/33/33% chance of being either early or late or on time.

He HASN’T necessarily got adhd. Posters have just suggested he might have and it might be worth considering. Why wouldn’t it be worth considering? Because it might not lead to an unqualified condemnation of DH?

I'd really like to reply to everyone but this thread has blown up. Planning is literally what he does for a job, it's tragically ironic. Thank you so much to the PP who suggested the app, I think I will investigate this

Yes my best friend is EXACTLY like that... made me late for my wedding because she wouldn't get up and ready.

Many times I have stood for HOURS waiting. I get there phone her and she says 'I'm waking up now, I'll be 10 minute'. Fifteen minutes later phone back 'oh I'm up now, just making a cup of coffee then I'll get ready'. Thirty minutes in 'I'm just popping in the shower, just a quick one'. one hour in 'oh I'm just straightening my hair, be there soon', Its not unusual to wait 2+ hours for her to show up.

It wasn't so bad at the beginning of our friendship because we where roommates so he dithering bothered me but at least we where just at home. However when it got to us living separate and Id be waiting in town alone for hours it really started to change things. We don't have much of an in person friendship anymore due to distance, having kids and the fact I can't trust her to be anywhere on time.

As said in PP I have executive dysfunction (as well as a list of other disabilities) and she does not. She just has ZERO urgency to do anything and see no issue in making everyone wait for her.

Just realised she sounds awful here... she does obviously have good qualities its just not being on time.

I think the ADHD thing could be valid, but also he spends alot of the morning sitting in front of the TV while having breakfast and 'planning' his day, I actually think if the TV wasn't there that would make a huge difference but equally that's what he likes and how he starts his day which I don't begrudge. That's probably why I feel asking him to leave by 9.30 although unreasonable is also fair because I'm literally doing everything without complaint and that's all I ask in return

I was like this for a few years, I tended to leave the house at the time I should have been arriving somewhere else.
It may have been Depression or an extreme 'fed-upness' because I felt I had been a failure all my life and felt deeply lonely even though I had a normal social life with friends, decent job, romances typical lifestyle of senior clerical worker.
With me, I always felt I should have been doing something different.
It improved vastly after I married and we moved away to a completely different place and for 3 years lived a completely different life style.
But it was not a permanent change. Reduced and managed, but not eradicated.

It did need treatment, eventually got Talking Therapy. My writing this is part of how I see myself.
I hope it helps OP to manage her situation.
Name change for the future I suppose.

I think you have an issue with a major personality trait that isn't going to change so on that basis I would detach and make a plan to leave.

OP, you could have been me in the past I think. With a really crucial difference - my DH has, over time, worked really hard to change and improve because it was clear to him how unfair it was and how stressed I got as a result.

DS has recently been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD and we are pretty sure he has it too.

So we've gone from mornings where I'd do everything an she'd barely manage to get himself showered and dressed, to him really genuinely taking on far more. There are some times where I have to tell him a list of instruction because his executive function challenges means that the act of planing out an activity can be completely overwhelming to him (and sometimes, he will sit down and plan something out in detail but that in itself, takes time!)

Sometimes because he's not very efficient he has to accept that Im sitting on the couch and he's doing his chores still. But that's not my problem.

ADHD or no ADHD, if he doesn't understand how ridiculous this is or how it negatively impacts you because you're picking up all the slack, then that is a problem.

I agree with PP, it sounds like he is ND. My DH is, struggles with time management and has OCD. People joke about OCD being about liking a tidy house or lining up pencils but it is so much more debilitating than this. At times of stress his OCD becomes much worse meaning something as simple as leaving the house becomes going through a long series of actions before he feels mentally able to walk out the door.
I used to get very stressed about this, particularly when our children were young, we were regularly late to events and dinners, and had multiple near misses on flights. At some point I realised that the only thing I could control was how I reacted to the situation both physically and mentally. Almost 30 years on I accept DH with his difficulties in the same way he accepts me.
One thing I would add, is that I was diagnosed with PND quite late, 18 months after having my DD, talking therapy made such a difference, allowed me to quite the storm that was going on in my head.
Don't give up, it can get better.

You dont like him. He can sense it or knows it and he is annoying you. You both will drive each other mad till one of you leaves....

It's the distractibility factor. DH is the same. TV/phone but also other things. I thought DD was going to explode with frustration a few weeks ago when they were looking for her library books to return them. Turns out they were under her bed. DH then could not leave until they'd cleaned out everything under the bed and vacuumed - they made it tot he library about 10 minutes before it closed. He does it ALL the time. I find it mindblowing that in the school run craziness, if he spots that, for example, a door handle is loose, he'll start wanting to fix it. Drives me mad! .

Incidentally, one thing I didn't say in my earlier post is probably the moment when DH really had the lightbulb moment at how his behaviour was impacting me. DS was a terrible sleeper from the day he was born. He was about a year old and DH was training for a marathon. And he started getting a bit snippy - eg if he had a big training run the next day, he couldn't get up int he night with DS as he would be too tired etc. And then he'd wake up to go for a run, but not leave for HOURS.

On this occasion, I'd been up in the night then got up with DS at 6am. DH finally surfaced around 8 am but only left the house for his run at 10:00. Got home at 14:00 because he'd planned a 3 hour run, but had got lost. He walked through the door and I was sitting on the floor with DS and he could tell I wasn't even angry - I'd just got the devastated phase. As he started to get defensive.... I said, "it's mothers day".

I'll give him his due, for the rest of the few weeks he had left of his training, he was up and out the door before 8 every week and that was definitely the turning point where he started to really realise he had to make more effort and stop being so bloody selfish.

It’s disgusting behaviour isn’t it! I can completely relate to so much you have said here. People just deciding to get in the shower and then straighten their hair when they know you are sat around somewhere waiting for them! It’s just downright rude and disrespectful. I would have a complete meltdown if I knew someone was waiting for me and I wasn’t ready.