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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find home births completely selfish

323 replies

Baabaaba · 21/11/2023 17:10

No I know I’m going to sound like a grumpy ogre but having been recently diagnosed with cancer and feeling as crap as I can do I was given the displeasure to listen to my neighbours have a home birth last nigh. She and baby are both home and well now however they did need a blood transfusion and ended up going in an ambulance anyway. Am I being unfair to think why did they keep me and my two children up all night with her screaming which nearly killed her when she would have had a safer delivery in hospital and if of had a better night sleep.

I know this is selfish and I am being unfair but honestly why put your health and baby’s health in danger I’m genuinely want to be told how I’m being unfair

OP posts:
Choosychoice · 21/11/2023 19:58

Notellinganyone · 21/11/2023 19:18

Seriously? 67 % of maternity units are currently deemed substandard. Some, as many recent enquiries have shown are downright dangerous, others just under staffed and chaotic. I would say that you are safer at home with two midwives focusing on you than in an understaffed ward. Planned homebirths are just as safe as hospital births and that’s reflected in the statistics on this - if you remove the accidental ones. I had three home births, fantastic positive experiences where I had agency, care and healthy babies. As for the disturbance, frankly that’s pathetic.

at the risk of sounding goady, you may be safer cause you’ve nicked the midwives for your home birth but other birthing mothers will be less safe. If understaffed at a midwife led unit they can share the staff around a bit more. By having a home birth you are demanding 1:1 midwife attention.

fliptopbin · 21/11/2023 20:00

Sorry to hear of your diagnosis.
Are you even sure it was a home birth by choice? I had a very quick first labour and live rurally. I was basically told that it would be a choice between an intentional home birth with midwives booked, or a high chance of my husband having to deliver the baby by himself, potentially on the roadside.
I didn't have another baby in the end, but hypothetically, then the thought of neighbours hearing would be a lesser worry compared to giving birth on the shoulder of the M1!
On the other hand, you are feeling like shit amd your entire world probably feels like it jas been violently upended.
So in short YABU, but YANBU to feel unreasonable, angry, scared or any emotion whatsoever. There is no wrong way to feel right now.

bakewellbride · 21/11/2023 20:01

@Anonymouslyposting similar happened to someone I know. She was 28, low risk pregnancy, no warning of anything wrong then suddenly haemorrhaged very badly straight after the birth. It was incredibly touch and go even in hospital so she certainly would've died had it have happened at home (the words of the doctors).

Crishell · 21/11/2023 20:03

I agree OP.

I've never understood the whole 'my baby, my way' thing. We have hospitals for a reason.

GiveMeCoffeeandTV · 21/11/2023 20:06

Notellinganyone · 21/11/2023 19:56

@GiveMeCoffeeandTV - false equivalency. The improvement has come about because of pre natal monitoring etc Hospitals are not safer per se. All the studies back this up but people are generally rubbish at critical thinking.

Yes, some improvement from monitoring and medication. Agreed. However, women and babies regularly died in difficult labours when babies became stuck, were starved of oxygen or when previously healthy women haemorrhaged or experienced complications from a sudden increase in blood pressure. You’re right, critical thinking is important. Why are women being encouraged by cash strapped midwife units to have home births?

ButDaddyILoveHim · 21/11/2023 20:07

you may be safer cause you’ve nicked the midwives for your home birth but other birthing mothers will be less safe

That's simply not how it works. If anything, the labour wards/birth centres nick the midwives from the homebirths, and the homebirth service gets suspended. Ask any on-call midwife these days whether they spend their on-calls doing lovely calm homebirths or whether they get called in to the unit every time to cover understaffing. I bet I know what they'd say.

Lochness1975 · 21/11/2023 20:07

I believe a women has the right to choose her place of birth.

beforethecoffeegetscold · 21/11/2023 20:09

Crishell · 21/11/2023 20:03

I agree OP.

I've never understood the whole 'my baby, my way' thing. We have hospitals for a reason.

I had a baby in April and the NHS were heavily pushing for homebirths for low risk pregnancies though. It felt to me as though they would have preferred for me not to have been in the hospital.

TheKeatingFive · 21/11/2023 20:11

It was incredibly touch and go even in hospital so she certainly would've died had it have happened at home (the words of the doctors).

I know of two people who had catastrophic birth outcomes in hospital. In both cases, warning signs were missed because they were not getting 1 to 1 care from a mid wife. They would have had this at home, so chances are they would have better outcomes from a home birth. 🤷‍♀️

Nursemumma92 · 21/11/2023 20:12

Choosychoice · 21/11/2023 19:58

at the risk of sounding goady, you may be safer cause you’ve nicked the midwives for your home birth but other birthing mothers will be less safe. If understaffed at a midwife led unit they can share the staff around a bit more. By having a home birth you are demanding 1:1 midwife attention.

Show quote history

@Choosychoice This isn't true. The community on call midwives are frequently called in to cover and look after labouring women on either our midwife led unit or consultant led unit. This results in the home birth service being suspended. Never is it the other way round. And if you are in active labour and in a midwife/consultant led unit the care should be 1:1 anyway.

BooBooBaloo · 21/11/2023 20:18

You are being a bit selfish about this, to be honest.

As was the neighbour

TeenLifeMum · 21/11/2023 20:23

Lochness1975 · 21/11/2023 20:07

I believe a women has the right to choose her place of birth.

Without considering the impact on others? Imo it is selfish in those circumstances but there are times when being selfish is okay.

That said, I’m not a fan of home births as my “straight forward” birth would have killed me.

Emi199 · 21/11/2023 20:24

Really sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Wishing you a fast recovery and I hope the treatment goes successfully. I can understand why you’re pissed off atm!

Honestly… I’d never have a home birth after my first labour, and I wouldn’t really love the idea if my daughter said she wanted one - and I’d tell her so. 🙈 But regarding what others do, it’s a risk assessment every mother, along with the second parent, has to make.

MumblesParty · 21/11/2023 20:26

Mamato29192 · 21/11/2023 17:12

I'm sorry about your cancer diagnosis. Hope you get better soon but it's up to the parents well the mother how they birth their child. She obviously didn't know it was going to go like that. If there were risks she would of probably birthed in hospital

@Mamato29192 there are risks with all births and she would have been told them, but chose to take her chances.

TrixieFatell · 21/11/2023 20:28

Choosychoice · 21/11/2023 19:58

at the risk of sounding goady, you may be safer cause you’ve nicked the midwives for your home birth but other birthing mothers will be less safe. If understaffed at a midwife led unit they can share the staff around a bit more. By having a home birth you are demanding 1:1 midwife attention.

Show quote history

They don't nick midwives. It's usually a cmw on call or the designated homebirth team not a hospital midwife so no-one is less safe in the hospital. The only staff shortages are because of other factors such a pay, working conditions and burn out, not homebirths

olivialennox · 21/11/2023 20:30

Meh plenty of threads where women choosing a c-section for non-medical reasons are called ‘selfish’, people get very opinionated for some reason when women exercise a bit of choice and bodily autonomy without a) being properly educated on what the real risks and benefits of said choice and b) the ACTUAL reasons women may opt for these choices which are rarely to do with ‘wanting a perfect birth’ 🙄

OhmygodDont · 21/11/2023 20:32

Home birth midwifes are not hospital midwifes. They are on totally different system Rotas. Me having two midwifes a Making my labour safer isn’t taken midwifes off the labour ward. These midwifes are at home on call. These midwifes have been our midwifes since just after our booking in. We don’t see a different one every appointment we get to see our midwife unless
shes on holiday.

you just get suckered in to having shit service. You can plan and book a home birth and take all this personal know your own midwife care and then still go to hospital because you change your mind and if she is not already called out get your homebirth midwife to deliver your baby in hospital technically taking the pressure off labour ward midwifes.

olivialennox · 21/11/2023 20:36

Even if you plan a hospital birth they want to keep you at home for as long as possible. I was told ‘well done’ but staff for coming in when pretty much ready to push, so I’d spent most of advanced labour at home with nobody around me, at a point where a lot of women would be hooked up to monitors.

Hardbackwriter · 21/11/2023 20:36

Home birth threads are always full of people insisting they/their friend/their relative would have died if they had a home birth, often because of a PPH. Thankfully, maternal deaths are rare both in and out of hospital and hemorrhaging is an emergency in either setting but it isn't a death sentence. It is also statistically less likely to happen in the first place in home births.

belge2 · 21/11/2023 20:39

Had a homebirth with my 3rd. Was amazing. She arrived before the midwives got there (I had already planned homebirth). It felt totally safe. Showered and in my own bed within the hour. Older kids slept through it all. I was on a high for weeks after !

Lavinia56 · 21/11/2023 20:39

I think it's your recent diagnosis that is affecting all your reactions at the moment.
I hope you are receiving good treatment, and wishing you a speedy recovery.

Hardbackwriter · 21/11/2023 20:41

olivialennox · 21/11/2023 20:36

Even if you plan a hospital birth they want to keep you at home for as long as possible. I was told ‘well done’ but staff for coming in when pretty much ready to push, so I’d spent most of advanced labour at home with nobody around me, at a point where a lot of women would be hooked up to monitors.

Same with my first - even though I had been told it was a high-risk pregnancy and so I couldn't have a MLU birth, in reality they then told me to stay at home for as long as possible, scoffed at the idea i was in active labour and then were annoyed when I did go in and then left me unexamined in a public triage room for an hour. When someone finally did examine me it turned out I was near crowning and I gave birth less than half an hour later. It was pretty awful, humiliating and clearly unsafe, which was one reason why I really wanted a home birth for my second (unfortunately I couldn't in the event as they suspended the home birth service due to covid).

OhmygodDont · 21/11/2023 20:42

Yup my first I presented at 9cm after I refused to stay at home like the labour ward told me too

CaroleSinger · 21/11/2023 20:43

I was a home birth. They've been doing it for a few years now you know. My older sister was a hospital birth but out mother wanted to have her second (me) at home. No idea if she kept her neighbours up half the night but I do know my sister thought I was the midwifes baby.

Perfect28 · 21/11/2023 20:44

Birth is not illness