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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meet: would you say no

144 replies

MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:13

My dd invited a few friends out for her birthday.

One couldn’t attend due to a family event, and another said she wouldn’t be coming as she didn’t like the activity.

Dd was a bit upset that the girl wasn’t willing to go for the sake of a birthday. It was bowling, so not an extreme sport or anything. No one involved is any good at bowling, it’s just a venue where they could sit and chat and move around in the warm. Our local one is quiet too, no big noises etc. No one really would care if one of them just drank a few drinks and chatted whilst the other two played if need be.

Since it was now only two of them we agreed to change the activity to a less group based one, something a bit more expensive and a treat for the two going.

Mum of the girl going is very good friends with the one who RSVPed no, based on not liking bowling.

The mum who said no has now text saying her dd will be at the new party and can come, as this is something she does enjoy. The exact words of her original text were ‘I spoke to xxxx. xxxx doesn’t like bowling, so she wouldn’t be going to DD’s birthday’ now she says ‘xxx was pleased to hear you are now going to….. she loves it there! She will be there on the 26th, is drop off ok or shall I stay’

I’m a bit resentful tbh and so is Dd. It’s her birthday, not an activity for this child’s sake. I guess she’s also a bit dominating. It will cost me more than intended plus I will have to change the food.

Would you be gracious? I’m pretty much about to reply ‘no, you RSVPed some time ago and we have since made alternative plans’. This will probably cause upset between both mums who think it’s reasonable what is going on. So, on balance, would you swallow your annoyance for peace or stand your ground???

OP posts:
lovgree · 21/11/2023 09:17

If the friendship balance is a bit off anyway on the basis the girl who first declined is a usually bit domineering then I'd definitely stick with your new plan for 2. It might cause a friendship issue but if you don't stick with your plan, you'll feel resentful anyway

LittleMG · 21/11/2023 09:18

Bin them both off they know that’s a cheek

familyissues12345 · 21/11/2023 09:18

I'd be desperate to tell her to bog off, but realistically would suck it up because I'm a doormat EnvyGrin

I can't believe the gall of the woman! I just wouldn't have the guts to do that, and would be telling my daughter that she can't expect to attend as she had already said no.

Really tricky situation! Is it a real hassle to sort it so that she can come?

Chamomileteaplease · 21/11/2023 09:18

Well you are the one who has to live with the consequences but personally I couldn't put up with that. The girl hasn't been invited! What a rude mother.

I would send something like your text but also with " I was only able to book two places". Which is true. Do not apologise for doing so, maybe say sorry the girl won't be able to come.

The mother may think twice next time before being so rude and demanding.

SunshineYay · 21/11/2023 09:20

The "friend" didn't care enough about your dd to attend her original birthday party. She only wants to go to the new activity because it's something she personally enjoys.

Honeysuckle16 · 21/11/2023 09:21

Just say, ‘The new activity is for two guests only so sadly your DD won’t be able to join us. Hoping to see her at future events.’

familyissues12345 · 21/11/2023 09:21

SunshineYay · 21/11/2023 09:20

The "friend" didn't care enough about your dd to attend her original birthday party. She only wants to go to the new activity because it's something she personally enjoys.

Exactly. Poor parenting on the mothers part, surely she should be teaching her daughter that you go for the birthday child, not because you like the trip Hmm

WandaWonder · 21/11/2023 09:21

I would go with what my child wants

Luxell934 · 21/11/2023 09:21

“Oh no, I thought * was unable to attend so I only booked for 2 places. Maybe they could meet up after.”

mummymummymummummum · 21/11/2023 09:22

I’d happily tell that mum no, but only if my daughter was in agreement.

TheresaCrowd · 21/11/2023 09:22

Ages are relevant here.

Is your daughter old enough to explain to her friend why you changed it?

WhamBamThankU · 21/11/2023 09:23

Absolutely not!! Tell her the table is booked for two and you hope they can all do something together soon.

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:24

WandaWonder · 21/11/2023 09:21

I would go with what my child wants

Mainly she’s a deer in the headlights.
She’s upset at the child’s choice, but doesn’t really have the balls to assert herself. She’s the quieter one in the crowd, does what she’s told. It’s an awkward threesome at times without the 4th girl as the louder two often forget her.

OP posts:
pyjamalife · 21/11/2023 09:24

I'd be tempted to say something like, because of two RSVP nos, I've changed the activity as the bowling wouldn't be the same for two, I've chosen something more expensive due to less attendees, if you can cover DDs expenses, she's welcome to join, but I won't be able to in this instance" (if you're happy for her to join if it doesn't cost you, that is)

I would not be sucking up the cost of a fairweather friend.

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:25

TheresaCrowd · 21/11/2023 09:22

Ages are relevant here.

Is your daughter old enough to explain to her friend why you changed it?

It’ll be a 10th birthday for a quiet child. Probably no, on the cusp but probably not confident enough

OP posts:
Whinge · 21/11/2023 09:26

I would reply to the CF that you've only booked for the 2 children who confirmed they were attending, and since her daughter wasn't one of these she's not actually invited.

The mother is going to be be annoyed, but who cares. 🤷🏻‍♀️

EarthyMangold · 21/11/2023 09:27

*WandaWonder · Today 10:21

I would go with what my child wants*

This. How old are the children? Based on the bowling, I am assuming they are not toddlers. Therefore it's up to your daughter.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 21/11/2023 09:27

Hi cf but the new activity is just booked for dd and xxx. Sorry your dd hasn't made the cut this time.
Regards op.. Do not have her up. She is a grabby madam and raising her dd the same.

Conkersinautumn · 21/11/2023 09:27

Don't treat your child as second fiddle for their own birthday! Yes, we compromise for friends but this entitled person isn't a true friend to your child if they can't put her wishes first for one social activity. Do not teach your child to be a door mat, no friendship is worth self respect

peachescariad · 21/11/2023 09:27

Does your daughter want her there? If so, I'd probably reply with 'oh ok, I'll just have to check there is availability as I've already booked 2 places....let me get back to you....' just to make her sweat a bit...
If she's not bothered, I'd say 'ok thanks for letting me know, but I'd set a budget for DD's birthday and this new booking has now used it...sorry!'

EarthyMangold · 21/11/2023 09:30

Oh sorry I see you updated with the ages. So you have a conversation with your daughter about what she would prefer to have happen, then you call/text the mother. (If it was up to me, I agree with you - I would tell the CF mum to do one.... But that might not be what your daughter wants...)

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2023 09:33

Think of the example you'll be setting for your daughter. Tell the CF NO. Don't let your daughter grow up to be a doormat.

Ladyofthelake53 · 21/11/2023 09:33

Thats awful, selfish to onky want to go if you like the activity, no thought for your daughter at all.

Id tell her no, bloody cheek if some peple

edwardcullensotherwoman · 21/11/2023 09:34

Yikes the balls of some people!
It's a difficult one as you don't want to cause a falling out between the girls, but at the same time this girl and her mum need to realise that you go to a party for the friend not the activity!
Id just reply and say 'sorry, there must have been some misunderstanding as we've changed the activity because only X said she could come, so it's already arranged for 2'

PotterHead1985 · 21/11/2023 09:34

I'm all for telling her to get lost. One small worry though. You say the mum of the girl going and cf mum are close. And it sounds like the girl going and cf girl are the two 'loud ones' you mention (the other rsvp no girl being the moderator of sorts). Is there a chance that if you tell cf mum to f off, she goes bleating to the other girls mum and then they cancel, leaving no one going to your daughters birthday?