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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meet: would you say no

144 replies

MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:13

My dd invited a few friends out for her birthday.

One couldn’t attend due to a family event, and another said she wouldn’t be coming as she didn’t like the activity.

Dd was a bit upset that the girl wasn’t willing to go for the sake of a birthday. It was bowling, so not an extreme sport or anything. No one involved is any good at bowling, it’s just a venue where they could sit and chat and move around in the warm. Our local one is quiet too, no big noises etc. No one really would care if one of them just drank a few drinks and chatted whilst the other two played if need be.

Since it was now only two of them we agreed to change the activity to a less group based one, something a bit more expensive and a treat for the two going.

Mum of the girl going is very good friends with the one who RSVPed no, based on not liking bowling.

The mum who said no has now text saying her dd will be at the new party and can come, as this is something she does enjoy. The exact words of her original text were ‘I spoke to xxxx. xxxx doesn’t like bowling, so she wouldn’t be going to DD’s birthday’ now she says ‘xxx was pleased to hear you are now going to….. she loves it there! She will be there on the 26th, is drop off ok or shall I stay’

I’m a bit resentful tbh and so is Dd. It’s her birthday, not an activity for this child’s sake. I guess she’s also a bit dominating. It will cost me more than intended plus I will have to change the food.

Would you be gracious? I’m pretty much about to reply ‘no, you RSVPed some time ago and we have since made alternative plans’. This will probably cause upset between both mums who think it’s reasonable what is going on. So, on balance, would you swallow your annoyance for peace or stand your ground???

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 21/11/2023 09:34

Based on your updates I'd go with something like "ah, no that's not going to work I'm afraid: we changed plans on the basis that X couldn't come and have only been able to book for 2. I'm sure we <my daughter + your daughter can arrange something soon though! Hope you're well".

WandaWonder · 21/11/2023 09:35

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2023 09:33

Think of the example you'll be setting for your daughter. Tell the CF NO. Don't let your daughter grow up to be a doormat.

The example I would set my child is use you brain decide what you want and not think something just because I tell you it has to be a certain way

hulahooper2 · 21/11/2023 09:35

Could you tell mum the birthday budget is fixed , and her dd is welcome to come if she covers the additional cost

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:39

Tbh for me even if dd was begging for this girl to attend I resent funding the child. It’s a fair chunk of money I’d never have agreed to for more than two and a bit of money before Christmas I’d rather direct elsewhere. We are a little stretched financials, it’s not impossible, but I’d rather not spend it on people that piss me off.
For the record dd is not articulating an answer and is nervous to make the decision herself. I think I need to take whatever flak there is and be the meanie. Dd is both annoyed and upset, but nervous of fallout. She’s not however advocating for the girl to come

OP posts:
eurochick · 21/11/2023 09:41

It sounds like the activity is more expensive than bowling which gives you an easy way out.

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:42

Aquamarine1029 · 21/11/2023 09:33

Think of the example you'll be setting for your daughter. Tell the CF NO. Don't let your daughter grow up to be a doormat.

That’s my worry. My other children are far more confident and would be strongly giving their views.
Dd is a quiet nervous girl already at risk of people pleasing to her own detriment. She’s that model kid who does anything you say, which long term isn’t great for MH.
I feel like me stepping in and deciding removes the stress for her, and teaches her

OP posts:
TyneTeas · 21/11/2023 09:43

If your daughter isn't lobbying for her to come, even if she isn't saying so directly I think is a pretty good indicator about what she wants

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:44

Financially I reckon they’d pay for her without blinking. But it’s embarrassing already as we are already the poorer ones of the crowd and I don’t want to go down the road of money talk. They are rather affluent and let everyone know it

OP posts:
TimeIhadaNameChange · 21/11/2023 09:47

Reply saying "Great, so pleased X can now come, we'll meet at the bowling place at Y".

Riverlee · 21/11/2023 09:48

As the mum text you directly, then reply in the same vein. Take the decesion out of your daughter’s hands and make it for her. Then if there’s any comeback, she can always pass the buck and say that her mum had already booked the tickets etc etc.

Shes got a blimmin’ cheek! If she didn’t want to do the bowling, she could have just sat and watched!

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 21/11/2023 09:48

MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:42

That’s my worry. My other children are far more confident and would be strongly giving their views.
Dd is a quiet nervous girl already at risk of people pleasing to her own detriment. She’s that model kid who does anything you say, which long term isn’t great for MH.
I feel like me stepping in and deciding removes the stress for her, and teaches her

Show quote history

Exactly, it sounds like she doesn't want her there but can't drum up the courage to say no. Poor lass.

Tell that CF mum to sling her hook. And teach her daughter some bloody manners while she's at it.

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/11/2023 09:51

so rude to say No to bowling but then changing her mind.

BiggletonUnited · 21/11/2023 09:52

"Speaking mum to mum, DD was upset that <CF daughter name> wouldn't come to her bowling party so I changed it to more of a treat activity for just the two of them. I'm sorry but if <CF daughter name> comes now it is just going to emphasise to DD that the activity is more important than spending time with her to celebrate. I hope you understand. 10 year old girls, huh!"

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/11/2023 09:53

just say No,
she couldnt come then, so she cant come now

Whinge · 21/11/2023 09:53

Then if there’s any comeback, she can always pass the buck and say that her mum had already booked the tickets etc etc.

I think this is important. There were time I didn't want to go to an event, or I didn't want to invite X Y Z to my party, and my mum would tell me it was ok to blame her, for example: I wasn't allowed to go or I was only allowed to invite X amount of people. Making her the baddie. I know it sounds daft but I loved her for it. The fact she understood what I wanted but also shielded me from being the one people could blame was really helpful, as I just didn't have the confidence to be the one responsible for the decisions.

Saz12 · 21/11/2023 09:53

It doesnt leave room for ill feeling, doesnt mention budgets, but is still clear that it was an activity intended for two.

"When only one said they could come I changed the activity to one thats just suitable for the two girls. So Im sorry but there wont be space for y this time. Lets get the girls together another time soon!".

WiIIowT · 21/11/2023 09:56

Does your DD still want to be her friend? If she does then be gracious. If she doesn't then be honest, as it will obviously end the friendship if you're honest. (I don't blame you for how you feel, they are cheeky fuckers).

Whataretheodds · 21/11/2023 09:56

If you want to take your daughter's input I think you need to at least lay out some options for her.

Better than asking her "what do you want to do" maybe would be to ask "what are you thinking/feeling about this? Is there anything you're worried about. And guide her. I don't think it's entirely reasonable to expect a (nervous) 10 year to come up with the solution.

Also, if you are conscious of the money thing don't make that the issue with this mum.

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:57

Riverlee · 21/11/2023 09:48

As the mum text you directly, then reply in the same vein. Take the decesion out of your daughter’s hands and make it for her. Then if there’s any comeback, she can always pass the buck and say that her mum had already booked the tickets etc etc.

Shes got a blimmin’ cheek! If she didn’t want to do the bowling, she could have just sat and watched!

I’d understand if she’d said something like ‘sorry, dd really doesn’t like bowling but she’d love to celebrate with dd. Can we arrange something else for them’ or ‘dd really doesn’t like bowling, would you be willing to consider an alternate idea’.

Noone is attached to bowling much, it’s just an idea and I understand children have dislikes. But it was a very careless hard no

OP posts:
cheddercherry · 21/11/2023 09:57

No, she’s not a real friend if she doesn’t actually care about the birthday girl. No great loss if she spits her dummy out and I’d be chatting to daughter about seeing her value in relationships and not putting up with people using her for fancy days out but not actually caring about her birthday itself.

ColleenDonaghy · 21/11/2023 09:59

Saz12 · 21/11/2023 09:53

It doesnt leave room for ill feeling, doesnt mention budgets, but is still clear that it was an activity intended for two.

"When only one said they could come I changed the activity to one thats just suitable for the two girls. So Im sorry but there wont be space for y this time. Lets get the girls together another time soon!".

Yes something like this. A polite "fuck off, we changed the plan because she couldn't come".

Crumpetdisappointment · 21/11/2023 09:59

her mother is rude and they both need to learn some manners.
this will perhaps teach them

OllieCollieWoo · 21/11/2023 10:10

An "oh so sorry, I thought your daughter couldn't make it so booked for just 2. Does your daughter fancy coming round for tea and a film on the xxx instead?"

pyjamalife · 21/11/2023 10:13

BiggletonUnited · 21/11/2023 09:52

"Speaking mum to mum, DD was upset that <CF daughter name> wouldn't come to her bowling party so I changed it to more of a treat activity for just the two of them. I'm sorry but if <CF daughter name> comes now it is just going to emphasise to DD that the activity is more important than spending time with her to celebrate. I hope you understand. 10 year old girls, huh!"

I like this one

Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 10:17

Thanks, that’s a constructive way forward. I’ll use it

OP posts: