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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday meet: would you say no

144 replies

MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:13

My dd invited a few friends out for her birthday.

One couldn’t attend due to a family event, and another said she wouldn’t be coming as she didn’t like the activity.

Dd was a bit upset that the girl wasn’t willing to go for the sake of a birthday. It was bowling, so not an extreme sport or anything. No one involved is any good at bowling, it’s just a venue where they could sit and chat and move around in the warm. Our local one is quiet too, no big noises etc. No one really would care if one of them just drank a few drinks and chatted whilst the other two played if need be.

Since it was now only two of them we agreed to change the activity to a less group based one, something a bit more expensive and a treat for the two going.

Mum of the girl going is very good friends with the one who RSVPed no, based on not liking bowling.

The mum who said no has now text saying her dd will be at the new party and can come, as this is something she does enjoy. The exact words of her original text were ‘I spoke to xxxx. xxxx doesn’t like bowling, so she wouldn’t be going to DD’s birthday’ now she says ‘xxx was pleased to hear you are now going to….. she loves it there! She will be there on the 26th, is drop off ok or shall I stay’

I’m a bit resentful tbh and so is Dd. It’s her birthday, not an activity for this child’s sake. I guess she’s also a bit dominating. It will cost me more than intended plus I will have to change the food.

Would you be gracious? I’m pretty much about to reply ‘no, you RSVPed some time ago and we have since made alternative plans’. This will probably cause upset between both mums who think it’s reasonable what is going on. So, on balance, would you swallow your annoyance for peace or stand your ground???

OP posts:
Original poster
MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 10:17

OllieCollieWoo · 21/11/2023 10:10

An "oh so sorry, I thought your daughter couldn't make it so booked for just 2. Does your daughter fancy coming round for tea and a film on the xxx instead?"

Meant to quote This

OP posts:
AdultLounge · 21/11/2023 10:25

Conkersinautumn · 21/11/2023 09:27

Don't treat your child as second fiddle for their own birthday! Yes, we compromise for friends but this entitled person isn't a true friend to your child if they can't put her wishes first for one social activity. Do not teach your child to be a door mat, no friendship is worth self respect

Exactly this. Teach you kid boundaries at a young age and to recognise what a good friend actually is.

This child didn't want to go to her party and now because it's something she does like she wants to come! And the mum! What a CF can't believe the gall.

I would just tell her no but would her daughter like to come to tea such and such a day.

Don't let your daughter be walked over like this. Please.

DelurkingLawyer · 21/11/2023 10:29

I’d omit the word “sorry” because that is always used by CFs as a way of levering themselves back in. “Well can’t you add xx to the booking” and so on. Also don’t let her get away with “couldn’t make it” - she said she didn’t want to come.

Just say “Your daughter said she wasn’t coming so we have booked for 2. Does your daughter fancy coming round for tea and a film on the xxx instead?"

CaineRaine · 21/11/2023 10:30

I’d reply something like “Whoops, there seems to be a mis-communication somewhere. When A and B said they weren’t coming to bowling, we decided to use the bowling budget on X activity for DD and C instead and with Christmas round the corner, I can’t spend more than that. Let’s arrange for them to get together another time though”.

ColleenDonaghy · 21/11/2023 10:33

If CF mum comes back and tries again to get her DD invited, go with @BiggletonUnited 's reply above. It's firm but civil.

TokyoSushi · 21/11/2023 10:34

CaineRaine · 21/11/2023 10:30

I’d reply something like “Whoops, there seems to be a mis-communication somewhere. When A and B said they weren’t coming to bowling, we decided to use the bowling budget on X activity for DD and C instead and with Christmas round the corner, I can’t spend more than that. Let’s arrange for them to get together another time though”.

This is a good one, people are so bloody cheeky!

Celticliving · 21/11/2023 10:36

It would be a hard no from me!

I like the suggestion of offering tea and a movie at another time.

I can't believe how bloody cheeky people can be.

Good luck and please keep us posted!

TyneTeas · 21/11/2023 10:40

Saying can't spend more than that does maybe leave it open for her to offer to pay which isn't the point

Justonemorecoffeeplease · 21/11/2023 10:40

Honestly I would say no to mother now saying her daughter will come and I wouldn't go down the road of explaining why. That way you won't be giving ammunition to any gossip. Just say we've now booked it for two and that's confirmed.

This idea of picking and choosing really isn't great is it. After all it's your daughter's celebration!

Karatema · 21/11/2023 10:41

It sounds like, if the other girl goes, the birthday girl will be left out of conversations because the 2nd and 3rd are dominant!
That wouldn't be fair on your DD. Say no to ensure your DD does have a lovely birthday without feeling left out!

CoffeeCantata · 21/11/2023 10:51

Oh God - that's so cheeky and entitled - it would really annoy me.

I'd at the very least be honest with the mum and say you changed the party precisely because fewer people could come, but the budget remains the same. Explain that this activity has been organised to deal with the new situation and isn't extended to everyone.

Sorry - I know it's a bit blunt, but that would really cheese me off. If the girls really are friends, they'll find a way round it.

AxolotlEars · 21/11/2023 10:52

Honeysuckle16 · 21/11/2023 09:21

Just say, ‘The new activity is for two guests only so sadly your DD won’t be able to join us. Hoping to see her at future events.’

This is a great response. The cheek of some people!

CoffeeCantata · 21/11/2023 10:53

What CaineRaine says is brilliant. Go with that!

Please don't just cave to cheeky, selfish people. Keep in mind that this girl didn't put your daughter first in her thoughts!!! She needs to know, subtly, that that has consequences....

OllieCollieWoo · 21/11/2023 11:05

I would not mention money or engage too much because it gives her room to manoeuvre with offering to pay etc and keeps the conversation flowing

Shut her down politely so no one is falling out and give an alternative to make it clear she's not invited to that activity.

Pugdays · 21/11/2023 11:16

My god ,the front of that child's mother ...that is so fucking cheeky
No absolutely do not pay more .
Absolutely no

Pancakefam · 21/11/2023 12:04

How soon is the party? I would be ignoring that text for a good long time. You haven't invited the daughter!

ohdamnitjanet · 21/11/2023 12:09

MumEeeee · 21/11/2023 09:24

Mainly she’s a deer in the headlights.
She’s upset at the child’s choice, but doesn’t really have the balls to assert herself. She’s the quieter one in the crowd, does what she’s told. It’s an awkward threesome at times without the 4th girl as the louder two often forget her.

Show quote history

In that case definitely not. I’d say the new activity was based on two people because of drop outs so it cost more and is now the max of your budget.
Not that you have to explain your finances to anyone, but a definite no to those rude fuckers. Let them learn to not mess people around.

littlemousebigcheese · 21/11/2023 12:26

I wouldn't say anything about budget because she could turn around and say oh we're happy to pay and then you're stuck. Just say oh, when you let us know that x couldn't make it, we switched the event and it's booked now. Let's get the girls together soon x

Funkyslippers · 21/11/2023 12:27

The CF is clearly trying it on with her text!

storminabuttercup · 21/11/2023 12:33

She's cheeky. They said no it's a no. I'd do as others suggest and be clear it's an event for 2. She will know the new event costs more, cheeky mare

Nevermind31 · 21/11/2023 12:43

Will your daughter be upset if she isn’t invited to this child’s birthday party?

MondayBags678 · 21/11/2023 12:49

Wow that’s cheeky and entitled! I would reply saying I’m sorry we’ve booked it for two as originally you said ,she couldn’t make it! so we made new arrangements

AdultLounge · 21/11/2023 13:04

DelurkingLawyer · 21/11/2023 10:29

I’d omit the word “sorry” because that is always used by CFs as a way of levering themselves back in. “Well can’t you add xx to the booking” and so on. Also don’t let her get away with “couldn’t make it” - she said she didn’t want to come.

Just say “Your daughter said she wasn’t coming so we have booked for 2. Does your daughter fancy coming round for tea and a film on the xxx instead?"

Perfect!

Cas112 · 21/11/2023 13:21

Sorry but I would say no 100%

and I would literally just give her the black and white answer. I'm only taking Daughter and friend as there was only two going and I can use the bit of extra money from the rest who RSVP'd no to bowling to do something a bit more expensive.

TheNameIsDickDarlington · 21/11/2023 13:22

"Actually as X already RSVPd no we hadn't factored her into the new plan."

I do also really like part of a PPs response about how rude it is to your dd that the friend was interested in the activities rather than celebrating with your DD.

I'd absolutely not be adding the friend on and tell DD she can blame you. She's probably upset and doesn't want to say this girl can come but friendships can be complicated at that age and she might not have the confidence to own that desicion herself and worry about starting a falling out.