Birthday meet: would you say no

[MumEeeee]

My dd invited a few friends out for her birthday.

One couldn’t attend due to a family event, and another said she wouldn’t be coming as she didn’t like the activity.

Dd was a bit upset that the girl wasn’t willing to go for the sake of a birthday. It was bowling, so not an extreme sport or anything. No one involved is any good at bowling, it’s just a venue where they could sit and chat and move around in the warm. Our local one is quiet too, no big noises etc. No one really would care if one of them just drank a few drinks and chatted whilst the other two played if need be.

Since it was now only two of them we agreed to change the activity to a less group based one, something a bit more expensive and a treat for the two going.

Mum of the girl going is very good friends with the one who RSVPed no, based on not liking bowling.

The mum who said no has now text saying her dd will be at the new party and can come, as this is something she does enjoy. The exact words of her original text were ‘I spoke to xxxx. xxxx doesn’t like bowling, so she wouldn’t be going to DD’s birthday’ now she says ‘xxx was pleased to hear you are now going to….. she loves it there! She will be there on the 26th, is drop off ok or shall I stay’

I’m a bit resentful tbh and so is Dd. It’s her birthday, not an activity for this child’s sake. I guess she’s also a bit dominating. It will cost me more than intended plus I will have to change the food.

Would you be gracious? I’m pretty much about to reply ‘no, you RSVPed some time ago and we have since made alternative plans’. This will probably cause upset between both mums who think it’s reasonable what is going on. So, on balance, would you swallow your annoyance for peace or stand your ground???

Oooooh it is tricky. I’d speak to your Dd first but my instinct would be to say no to cheeky Mum.

”I’m afraid you’ve misunderstood. I changed y activity because there were only going to be two children going, Dd and (name of accepting friend). I can’t afford this activity for more children. Your Dd is was invited to come bowling as part of a bigger group, but because she declined I’ve made alternative arrangements. Sure they’ll all get together another time!”

Dont say sorry whatever you do!

This.
I'd be telling the mother that it's not now possible to include her DD as the plans were changed accordingly based on her DD not wanting to attend.

I'd be sooo tempted to reply. "True. Just as your DD could easily have come bowling if she'd actually wanted to celebrate Dds birthday with her. I do not want to teach DD that her birthday is only worth celebrating if she chooses a worthy enough activity."

Realistically I have no idea what to say to that bolshy reply. Maybe a shocked emoji and leave it at that! The trouble is people like this never actually see how rude they are so there's no showing them.

Yep I’d totally go with this approach.

I actually quite like the ‘maybe next time’ response aswell and you could add a smiley face to the end, you could also say hope to see you on the Xxx date and to let you know

thats keeping it quite friendly but firmly standing your ground , then you are putting the ball in her court, if she Dosen’t accept the alternative play date invite it’s her own doing

It's a tricky one because on the one hand the girl did not deserve an invite as she is not a good friend to your dd but on the other hand why should you pay for an expensive event for this girl and it's a way to teach your dd to not settle for shitty behaviour.

The way you managed it was fab, it was a great suggestion as it was polite and still included the girl In some capacity. I'd say nothing more now the mum clearly has a brass neck!!

Oh yes, I do like the maybe next time with a smiley face!

Understandable.

Would it be possible to say something like "ah no, I changed the activity based on X not coming. I've booked it for two. I wonder if you could call the venue and book X in at the same time?"

That way she has to book and pay herself without you directly asking for money.

I understand it's a difficult situation. If it was me, I'd have no qualms about telling her to sling it. But if it involved my daughter, I would be wary of causing her issues. So I understand completely.

What an absolutely brazen CF and bolshy cow. She’s got the message that her DD is not included so I’d be inclined to leave it with her.

Might it be worth having a word with the other mum just to forestall CF mum trying to sabotage your daughter’s day by discouraging the other friend from going? Or will that get back to CF mum who’ll doubtless call it stirring? I tend to think in these cases least said soonest mended, but I would never have predicted the absolute brass neck of CF mum response, so…

Well done on your message and what a cheeky response. I’m glad you didn’t cave. Sounds like mum isn’t used to getting her own way.

She sounds AWFUL! Just ignore her, shows your instincts were right. Mother and daughter sound alike 😳

Did you reply OP?

This woman doesn't sound like a very nice person. She's not interested in being there for your DD's birthday just picking and choosing.

I wouldn't reply to that text. Let her reflect and stew.

Sorry missed your last update saying you'd ignore it.

Think you've handled it well OP.

I mean, the absolute CFery is so extreme, you’ve almost got to admire it.

You've approached this well OP. I wouldn't get into a back and forth either. Ignore and hopefully this is the end of it. She sounds pushy though so I wouldn't be surprised if you get another message.

I could understand the child declining the birthday invite if it was something the child found scary or difficult or couldn't cope with the environment but to decline because it was bowling is shitty and she's clearly not a good friend. No way I would change things now for her or her mum.

When DD was younger I told her that if she didn't feel assertive enough she could say it's my mums decision. We would talk through things and she's perfectly able to handle herself now.

I think sending a simple "maybe next time" with a smile is the perfect way to end this.

I wouldn't go to the other mother. You've got the moral high ground here; best place to stay. If you go to the other mother, even just to give her a heads up, you will be accused of bitching and stirring.

You have done nothing wrong and you have nothing to feel bad about.

Well it blew up, but dd is at peace completely. I had talked it through as a possibility. We’ve booked theatre tickets to somewhere she’s wanted to go for ages.

In short I ignored the text, and then the other mum got involved. I tried to politely and neutrally say it was booked and we’d offered a film here. She got pushy, both then text me asking to book them all, then the second mum basically said if I was excluding someone she wasn’t sure she’d want her daughter to go 🙄

The other girl was also a bit rude to dd saying she’d been ‘disinvited’ in front of people and making a scene at an after school club. The girl who was going said her mum said I was unkind. Dd said she went and spoke to others to avoid both.

Dd and I agreed it had become pressured and soured the whole thing whatever happened. She admitted she wasn’t actually wildly bothered about the treat plan, it was more about pleasing people that she’d fallen into trying to do. I asked her what she’d do with total free choice, and she said go to a theatre show she’s dreamt of for ages.

I’ve told both mums that dd’s birthday has become tense and a source of anxiety. Offered them the booking for two for their daughters if they so wish to (it’s pay on the day) before I cancel it.

Dd is actually not bothered at all.

Dd and I both feel a bit weirdly relieved in a way I think. The third girl, who sadly couldn’t make it for genuine reasons, is probably the best friend anyway. It’ll most likely blow over anyway

Well done. Hope your DD is happy and has an amazing birthday! Shame the friend who was coming has a dickhead for a mum!

What a bunch of bitches. She wasnt disinvited, she declined invite and then tried to worm her way back in. You weren't unkind, you were assertive.

Well done for standing your ground, you've set a good example for your daughter too (not that you need me to tell you that). All that fuss to try force you into satisfying someone else's ego 🙄. I hope you both enjoy the theatre.

I’m glad you didn’t cave in. Your dd has learnt an important lesson.

The friend’s mum was a twat, money doesn’t buy class it seems.

Good for you. I had a feeling it would all go a bit wrong -pushy mum had that kind tone in her text. The sort that like a bit of an argument and to "win".
You've not bitten and you've not given in. Will be interesting to see what the response is about the tickets. I wouldn't expect any form of apology from either!!!

I voted YANBU - but in the other girl’s defence I’d like to add that activities such as bowling can make some people very anxious. So I wonder if it’s more than her “not liking” it. But YANBU either way, in that you definitely don’t have to offer an alternative!

What a drama over a child’s birthday party (not your fault) those two mothers sound like horribly unreasonable spoilt cows who are used to getting their way.

let us know their response