Self centered daughter

[Mandy63]

My daughter is 34 years old and transgender ( born male) the reason I mention this is I'm not sure if it has anything to do with her attitude.
I'm also not sure if she is on the autism spectrum or if I'm just looking for something to prove she's not just self absorbed
2 years ago she moved in with her new partner and everything seemed fine.
About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad. Not helping around the house, leaving cups and plates in the bedroom and even leaving her partner to look after my granddaughter when she went to stay.
They have since split and her partner has moved out. My daughter cannot afford the rent on her own and has an eviction notice. I found out today that the rent is due again in 2 days and she doesn't have it.
She has known for a few weeks that she needs to look for somewhere to live, go to the council, start packing etc. None of which she has done. Finally today she went to the council but has to wait for an appointment
Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.
I was so angry with her I'm afraid she received a very curt txt and also one from her older brother who saw how upset it made me.
At the moment I'm leaving her to it, she's 34 with a 10 yr old daughter and needs to start to grow up
Should I stay out of it and let her either sink or swim?

Very helpful that. You just solved the OPs problem there.

I honestly don't think there is much you can do tbh. They are an adult and need to sort their own shit. I wouldn't see my grandchild out on the street though. So I'd step in there.

I think you have to leave daughter to it...but i would interject in regards to DGC..i would offer to have DGC until daughter found a place. Xx

Just leave her to it. The more you bail her out the more she’ll expect it.

Call social services if you’re concerned about DGD.

Missing some context here. Where is your grandchild's mother?

I think if they are 34 years old then they are going to have to take some responsibility and sort it out themselves.
Does your grandchild live there full-time?

My advice was as above. Let them know that they need to grow up and sort their shit out, but DGD is welcome to stay, but visitation would have to suit you and that you would contact cms for financial support if the child is with you for more than two weeks.

Does your granddaughter live with your child full time or does she have a home with another parent? (My advice will change depending on the level of risk to your granddaughter.)

This. She's an adult.

I'm not excusing her behaviour but sometimes those who have an ASD diagnosis do struggle with keeping their surroundings clean or are demand avoidant. So it may not be simple selfishness. Perhaps she needs a "floating support worker" or occupational therapist from the council to help her? Of course she may just be being lazy and entitled. Without knowing her it's difficult to say.

are social services not involved given there is a ten year old who may not have somewhere to live?

your dd sounds unstable? is she ok to look after her child?

I've been told that depression and anxiety and PTSD are often co morbid with issues one ASD and ADHD, to be honest some of her behaviour seems to fit. I'm not diagnosed with either ASD or ADHD but I have several MH diagnoses and recognise myself in your daughters behaviour too. Just a thought.

Does DGD live with her mother? If so, just leave your child to it, they are an adult, and DGD is not at risk.

I’m not either, given the vitriol they receive from the likes of you.

Not sure how her being trans is anything to do with anything

could she be suffering from depression op? All of this sounds like how I can get when I’m in a black hole of a headspace.

I think you just need to leave her to it. If you offer her somewhere to live she will just bring all her annoying traits to your door. And she is unlikely to get any assistance with somewhere else to live.

A large part of your annoyance seems to be that you took half a day off work and she didn't come over. But that seems a weird thing to do without discussing and arranging it with her first.

Does your grandchild see her mum?

You've put your nose in to a situation when you were not asked to, then have gotten cranky when your plans didn't fit in with their plans.

Stay out of it. If they need your help, they'll ask. Until then it's up to them to sort it out.

The trans thing is a red herring. Doesn't have any connection to the rest of the issues.

Not really - judging by OP's description and a multitude of threads on MN there's some all-too-familiar male entitlement at play here.

About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad. Not helping around the house, leaving cups and plates in the bedroom and even leaving her partner to look after my granddaughter when she went to stay.

@GrumpyPanda Interesting. Never really thought of laziness as being a gendered trait but you may have a point there.

As a parent to a 34 year old, all you need to do is just listen and say “that sounds tough”. You don’t need to take time off of work or help her sort stuff out.

Your offspring will stand a much better chance of being housed once they have actually been evicted.

If that is imminent then you won't have long to worry before things take their course.