Self centered daughter

[Mandy63]

My daughter is 34 years old and transgender ( born male) the reason I mention this is I'm not sure if it has anything to do with her attitude.
I'm also not sure if she is on the autism spectrum or if I'm just looking for something to prove she's not just self absorbed
2 years ago she moved in with her new partner and everything seemed fine.
About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad. Not helping around the house, leaving cups and plates in the bedroom and even leaving her partner to look after my granddaughter when she went to stay.
They have since split and her partner has moved out. My daughter cannot afford the rent on her own and has an eviction notice. I found out today that the rent is due again in 2 days and she doesn't have it.
She has known for a few weeks that she needs to look for somewhere to live, go to the council, start packing etc. None of which she has done. Finally today she went to the council but has to wait for an appointment
Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.
I was so angry with her I'm afraid she received a very curt txt and also one from her older brother who saw how upset it made me.
At the moment I'm leaving her to it, she's 34 with a 10 yr old daughter and needs to start to grow up
Should I stay out of it and let her either sink or swim?

If you're evicted for not paying rent, the council where I live class you as intentionally making yourself homeless and won't help.

I would just let her work it out.

If DGD has another parent and a safe place to stay, I'd drop the rope.

People don't just 'get housed' these days. Or since decades ago actually.

So that's exceptionally unlikely. The council can speak to someone at risk of or actually homeless with regards to finding them temporary shelter and rented accommodation if they meet the test of 'priority need'.

Anyway where is the 10 y/o daughter? not living in this situation I hope? Is she with her mother?

If so, take a step back, not your problem.

The important person here is your dgd. Adult children can sort themselves out

Agreed.

Sink. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom before they take care of themselves.

It sounds from your post as if your granddaughter is living with her mother and only visiting her father, hence the ex partner being expected to do the childcare when your grandchild visits. If that’s the case I’d just let your adult child get on with it. They’ve made it quite clear that your input isn’t welcome so let them sort it out themselves.

Honestly don’t help, sometimes people need to learn that they will either sink of swim on their own.

I’m pretty sure the council won’t do anything until your daughter presents as homeless, ie after eviction by bailiffs. Shelter is best source of advice https://england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness
Who does your granddaughter live with mainly? That would influence housing.
A 34 year old should be able to look after herself, I’d concentrate on making sure the granddaughter has safe housing and then just direct your daughter to support services for possible ASD, ADHD, housing, whatever is appropriate.

Where is your grandchild’s primary residence ? With your own child or other parent.

Point them in the direction of Shelter for advice. Do not to advise on housing its the kind of thing people think they may know the ins and outs of but often don’t.

Even if you wanted to house your GD then it makes them a non urgent case for assistance it pushes them down lists as they have somewhere safe. If they were behaving them selves it would be fine but as their behaviour has been so poor towards their ex partner I am assuming they would be a PITA.

I would be very careful navel gazing about why someone is the way they are because there lies madness for you. MIL is still wondering why FIL and he has been dead for five years was the way he was, he was bloody obnoxious his journey there was his own.

.

So your son and his partner had a daughter.The mother of his child got cross because "he left cups and saucers" about? Or was that another person. ANd someone was left to look after someone egregiously!

ERm. Yes , I think the sink or swim thing was a long time ago! 34years old.
Have you considered taking your GD in ( only if that would work for you).
Best wishes.

Is it possible that taking hormones is affecting her?
Could she be ADHD as that can sometimes mean procrastination, rash decisions.

Leave them to it. They’ve obviously had people catering to their whims and their emotional status all their lives. They must learn to deal with life themselves or slowly isolate themselves by their own selfishness - apart from their ‚allies’ who’ll be there to wipe their ass forever more.

I think OP, you need to step away assuming your GD is safe with her mum.

I am not sure what you can do about your child other than perhaps seek professional help for yourself in dealing with them and having a fulfilling life yourself with boundaries. if they want to seek help and work out how to get better of course you can be there for them.

I would say the trans part is as much a clue to their state of mind as the chaotic attitude to housekeeping, child care and bill paying. They would probably benefit from some professional help too, but how do you get it if they won’t engage. It’s your role to be there, and theirs as an adult to deal with their problems.

Im sorry for you OP, please put yourself first.

I’m reading it that her adult trans identifying child had a child with a previous partner when they were 24. That relationship is broken. The child visits her father and new partner (sex unknown). The new partner of two years is pissed off picking up the slack and has gone, but not before making the OP aware of the situation.

Say out of it.
Except, can you help the child?

Step away. He doesn’t want your help right now and it might be better to be there to help pick up the pieces for your GD when he is willing to accept help.
ASD is commonly associated with gender non-conformity so perhaps he is autistic. Won’t make him easier to deal with but might give you some pointers for how to support on future, if you have the patience.
I agree with PP that the entitled behaviour, leaving partner to deal with DD sounds male.
If you hadn’t mentioned the trans element I would have suggested that the problem for a women ignoring her own child might be depression. Perhaps it still is, but it sounds more deeply embedded that that.

You're angry that an adult who hasn't asked for your help isn't free to meet you when you've taken the afternoon off out of the blue?

From this in the OP

About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad.

I took it that the new partner is female.

It doesn't sound like it's anything to do with being trans, just a child of either sex who has been brought up to not look after themselves.Typically it's a son who has a mum mom who picked up after him all the time so when he DOES move out and get a partner he leaves her to do all the usual chores, childcare etc. Being trans hasn't anything to do with it. Being a child raised in ahousehold where mommy did everything does. Let your child be evicted. Picking up after an adult, way into adulthood, does them ZERO favours and you're just continue to mollycoddle.

I have a feeling that your 34 yo child will be fine.

The red carpet will be rolled out at the council, lest they be accused of being bigots/phobic, if they do not rehouse your child with immediate effect.