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AIBU?

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Original poster

Self centered daughter

155 replies

Mandy63 · 20/11/2023 21:35

My daughter is 34 years old and transgender ( born male) the reason I mention this is I'm not sure if it has anything to do with her attitude.
I'm also not sure if she is on the autism spectrum or if I'm just looking for something to prove she's not just self absorbed
2 years ago she moved in with her new partner and everything seemed fine.
About a month ago her partner came to me and said that my daughter was driving her mad. Not helping around the house, leaving cups and plates in the bedroom and even leaving her partner to look after my granddaughter when she went to stay.
They have since split and her partner has moved out. My daughter cannot afford the rent on her own and has an eviction notice. I found out today that the rent is due again in 2 days and she doesn't have it.
She has known for a few weeks that she needs to look for somewhere to live, go to the council, start packing etc. None of which she has done. Finally today she went to the council but has to wait for an appointment
Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.
I was so angry with her I'm afraid she received a very curt txt and also one from her older brother who saw how upset it made me.
At the moment I'm leaving her to it, she's 34 with a 10 yr old daughter and needs to start to grow up
Should I stay out of it and let her either sink or swim?

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 21/11/2023 06:59

SweetFemaleAttitude · 21/11/2023 06:58

I have a feeling that your 34 yo child will be fine.

The red carpet will be rolled out at the council, lest they be accused of being bigots/phobic, if they do not rehouse your child with immediate effect.

This. Sadly.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 21/11/2023 07:01

She is 34, and not doing much to help herself. Just leave her to it. As you said, she needs to grow up.

FancyFanny · 21/11/2023 07:10

I am assuming the child lives with her mother so I'd leave her to it!

MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 07:10

she is 34
she can stand on her own two feet,
regardless of her gender, regardless of her being on the autistic spectrum or not

MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 07:11

i dont know why her partner told you that she was leaving cups around, !

Gilead · 21/11/2023 07:11

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PriOn1 · 21/11/2023 07:18

When did the transition occur, OP? I believe 5-10 years is the classic point at which those who transition realize that it didn’t solve any of their problems because those lay within themselves and actually involved self hatred, rather than any problem with their sex.

It does sound like very masculine behaviour and entitlement that’s being demonstrated. I honestly found your post almost unreadable because it was screaming so loudly.

It doesn’t sound like your help is wanted though. At that age, I think you just have to make it clear you are available to help if needed and let them get on with it.

Conkersinautumn · 21/11/2023 07:24

Ultimately she's not reached out for help. Standing back is very difficult for a caring parent but it is necessary. Personally I'd be preparing to house the 10 year old who has no control of the situation.

DZbornak · 21/11/2023 07:24

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MyCircumference · 21/11/2023 07:27

in what way is she being self centered @Mandy63

Nousernamesleftatall · 21/11/2023 07:30

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TsunamiPam · 21/11/2023 07:30

I know so many selfish women like this, all of who were born female. It's not a trans thing. It's a personality thing.
You are probably worried about your grandchild. I would say to stay out of her but I imagine that's hard with a grandchild to worry about.
Sometimes people avoid these things due to feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it's laziness. Sometimes it's because they think people will rescue them. Sometimes it's because they feel safer in chaos.
Just love her OP. Love her but don't bail her out.

TsunamiPam · 21/11/2023 07:34

@YouJustDoYou this is a ridiculous statement. I work in a local authority and being transgender or transsexual gets you absolutely no priority for housing or any extra points on your banding. Stop peddling lies to fit your narrative! I'm GC and I think debate needs to happen around keeping women's spaces safe but lying and hyperbole are not helping the debate.

DisquietintheRanks · 21/11/2023 07:37

SweetFemaleAttitude · 21/11/2023 06:58

I have a feeling that your 34 yo child will be fine.

The red carpet will be rolled out at the council, lest they be accused of being bigots/phobic, if they do not rehouse your child with immediate effect.

Can you name a LA where you get housing points for being transgender?

sgssmum · 21/11/2023 07:45

@TheOccupier My trans daughter (born male) isn’t selfish, not surprising that!
what I bizarre comment

Dery · 21/11/2023 07:48

“Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.
I was so angry with her I'm afraid she received a very curt txt and also one from her older brother who saw how upset it made me.
At the moment I'm leaving her to it, she's 34 with a 10 yr old daughter and needs to start to grow up
Should I stay out of it and let her either sink or swim?”

This reads like your chief annoyance is that your daughter didn’t come round when you’d taken the afternoon off, without discussing it with her first, and you’ve got her elder brother weighing in now to tell her off because she didn’t visit you. It all sounds a bit bullying, to be honest.

Maybe she is feeling overwhelmed. Maybe she doesn’t feel very able to talk to you because everyone seems so quick to get at her and criticise her.

I think the desire to transition can sometimes be connected with neurodiversity meaning that certain things may not be as obvious or come as easily to her as they do to people who are neurotypical. It’s tough because no doubt you love her and want the best for her. Perhaps try to be less critical in helping her through this tight spot.

Cailin66 · 21/11/2023 07:50

Jk987 · 20/11/2023 23:27

Does your grandchild see her mum?

The OP said her son is a woman, so he is the child's mother.

ntmdino · 21/11/2023 07:54

Knowing how urgent things are and obviously being worried about her I took the afternoon off work and asked her to come round. Oh no she couldn't do that as she couldn't face doing anything else today and had plans with a friend.

@Mandy63 - any particular reason that you didn't go to her, and did you explain that reason? It's entirely unsurprising that she refused your offer, given that you added one more demand to the plate of somebody who's clearly in a spiral and not coping.

To use that as a reason to ditch her seems like you were looking for a justification to do so anyway. I mean, c'mon...you'd gone to the effort of taking the day off, but couldn't go to the effort of leaving the house (assuming no disability issues on your part, mind)? That strikes me as a test and a trap, and a completely inappropriate one when somebody's life's falling apart.

TheDisgustingBrothers · 21/11/2023 07:56

Cailin66 · 21/11/2023 07:50

The OP said her son is a woman, so he is the child's mother.

Show quote history

LOL obviously not, how did he give birth if he was born male, pray tell.

gnarlynarwhal · 21/11/2023 07:56

They sound very lazy. Why haven’t they got a job? Do they just expect everyone else to do everything for them? Where is the grand daughter’s biological mother? Could she look after her? It’s the grand daughter I feel really sorry for. If her biological mother can’t take her her on can you OP?

PriOn1 · 21/11/2023 07:59

TsunamiPam · 21/11/2023 07:30

I know so many selfish women like this, all of who were born female. It's not a trans thing. It's a personality thing.
You are probably worried about your grandchild. I would say to stay out of her but I imagine that's hard with a grandchild to worry about.
Sometimes people avoid these things due to feeling overwhelmed. Sometimes it's laziness. Sometimes it's because they think people will rescue them. Sometimes it's because they feel safer in chaos.
Just love her OP. Love her but don't bail her out.

The word in my mind as I read the OP was a Mumsnet word - cocklodger.

Obviously there are some lazy women. The OP is not describing one of them.

“The OP said her son is a woman, so he is the child's mother.”

This has to be one of the most bizarre (ridiculous) sentences I’ve ever read.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:01

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Agree - he does. He has a child to think of. He might be able to sofa surf, or even sleep in bus shelters if necessary, but his daughter shouldn't have to live like that. Make sure she is safe - call Social Services if necessary, then let him get on with it.

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:02

Cailin66 · 21/11/2023 07:50

The OP said her son is a woman, so he is the child's mother.

Show quote history

What does that make the female parent, then?

Lavender14 · 21/11/2023 08:04

Cumbrianlife · 21/11/2023 03:10

If you're evicted for not paying rent, the council where I live class you as intentionally making yourself homeless and won't help.

If you're able to prove a change of circumstances and that you genuinely couldn't afford the rent alone then you're not intentionally homeless and won't be seen as such.

Op, It sounds like your dd is doing head in the sand and is likely incredibly stressed about the whole situation but is avoiding it rather than tackling it head on. She's not the only one to have ever done that and there will come a point where she needs to deal with what's happening.

For now I'd give her advice and information but leave it to her to take the steps she needs to take. I agree with pps that she will get the bulk of her housing points when she presents as homeless.

I can't see it specified if your dgd lives there full time or not but if you have the means I'd try to provide temporary accommodation while they remain on the housing list but this could take time and they will need to be pointed before you agree to this as hostel accommodation likely won't be accessible to your dd and would be unsuitable for your dgd. You'd need to agree this with the local housing authority that you'll do this on the condition they retain full homeless points and get sharing points etc.

Alternatively they do have some family hostels but spaces are hard to come by.

You can't fix this for her, she's an adult and hard as it is to watch you need to let her do this independently and just be there when she's ready to take the support. There will be huge learning in this for her, but it might be that it's all a bit too raw with her relationship ending etc so recently too for her to start to process that right away. I'd be checking in around her mental wellbeing as avoiding all these major issues could also be a symptom of depression.

Lavender14 · 21/11/2023 08:05

Emotionalsupportviper · 21/11/2023 08:02

What does that make the female parent, then?

Show quote history

Also the mother...

What a strange question.