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Original poster

Partner not wanting to split household bills

383 replies

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

OP posts:
GrannypantsMagee · 20/11/2023 22:10

WTF?? Two adults, so split the bills 50/50. So much to unpack here.....so, suppose you split it 70/30 because of your son, then you and him have a child, then you renegotiate so he pays a bit more because your child together then is using a bit of electricity here and there so then it becomes.....I dunno, 60/40? And eventually if you have enough kids would he agree to 50/50? How many kids would that take to balance the bills? F that.

GabriellaMontez · 20/11/2023 22:10

I thought you were going to say your son is 24!

What proportion does he suggest he should contribute?

WhamBamThankU · 20/11/2023 22:11

Please don't move in and stop TTC immediately. He's shown how he regards your son and this won't change.

Doggymummar · 20/11/2023 22:12

I agree he shouldn't pay for your son, just himself, what does he think a fair split looks like? I would say 45/55 how much does a three year old cost in household bills

Electric is on anyway
Gas same
Council tax same (but you lose single person benefit)
Rent same
So it's only food isn't it? It's such a small thing to quibble about seems petty to me

Katej82 · 20/11/2023 22:15

You know what I have been thinking reading all the comments and your responses I fear for your poor son I really do.

Your boy should come first what would your family tell you do they know what a DH your about to move in with. For the sake of your son please reconsider your position and think how he will feel if he were to know what this idiot was like in respect of clearly not giving a hoot about him. God forbid a baby comes along I think this guy your with could easily be rotten to your son it's just dreadful. I don't find my husband's teen easy she's bloody hard work but she's my step daughter if she ever needs anything she gets it from me I would never dream of leaving her out or not supporting her if she came to live with us she's my family I love her and that's that and your son deserves the best.

PrimalOwl10 · 20/11/2023 22:17

If your son isn't even 3 yet and you don't live together yet you can't be together long before your considering massive steps such as moving in and adding babies in the mix. Slow down this has red flags all over it

Cumbrianlife · 20/11/2023 22:19

How are you going to pay bills working one day a week or is he expecting you to commit benefit fraud? Surely you'll lose them all when he moves in.

CandyLeBonBon · 20/11/2023 22:23

Your poor son.

Please don't put him in a position of having to live with a man who resents his existence.

Hibiscrubbed · 20/11/2023 22:27

OP, let’s slow it down a bit. Your son is only three and you’re with someone else, you’ve not moved in together yet, you’re already trying for a baby, and he doesn’t want to pay half the bills because he doesn’t want to subsidise your three year old…

He’s a shit and you should not tie yourself to him.

Viviennemary · 20/11/2023 22:33

I think he has got a point. You work one day a week. That just simply isnt enough to make a viable contribution to household expenses. He wants a more equal balance. He isn't prepared to be responsible for supporting you and your child.

ilikeeggs · 20/11/2023 22:34

Would you even be able to afford 50% of the bills if you only work 1/2 days a week? Have you factored in losing universal credit?

Yogazmum · 20/11/2023 22:35

My stepdad met my mum when my sister and I were both under 10. My mum was at Uni and so my stepdad paid for the majority of things as my
mum had a student allowance and a small maintenance payment from our birth father.
Thank goodness my mum met someone like my stepdad who treated us as his own from
day 1…& not someone like your partner!
He will never treat your son well and if you do stay with him & have a child with him then your son will always feel second best.
The red flags 🚩 are waving in the wind here OP.
Time to put you and your son first and leave this awful man!

Channellingsophistication · 20/11/2023 22:35

He’s not acting like a good potential partner…. he doesnt regard your child as part of his family. Major red flag.

Stop trying for a baby too!

Caerulea · 20/11/2023 22:48

OP this is just desperately sad. Your son is part of this relationship, you two come as a package & if you're moving in together, it's a family unit - he's not a tiny lodger! Your partner isn't his dad but by moving them in together he becomes a father figure which partner clearly has no interest in being so you can't do this.

Ask yourself what happens if you do have a baby? How will that relationship work between the two children & you essentially being a single mum to one of them but in a family unit with the other?

Some ppl cannot accept others children, and that's fine, they aren't obliged to. In those cases you don't get involved with someone who already has a child! It's not ok.

Stay a single mum with a boyf you don't live with, there's nothing wrong with that & everything wrong with this new setup.

SharonEllis · 20/11/2023 22:48

Good god woman! I can't believe you are even considering this. 50/50 minimum & if he earns more he should really pay more. You & your child are a unit - he can't have one without the other. If you have a baby together how will the finances work then?

Manchester1990 · 20/11/2023 22:59

Get some self respect and walk away or I’ll see your post in 3 years when he becomes unbearable. He should be wooing you, imagine what he’s going to be like when you’re on Mat leave and need him to step up financially.

honestly, it’s time you stepped up.

Jl2014 · 20/11/2023 23:00

Pitiful. This guy is a terrible candidate for a father. Has disaster written all over it. Your son will be treated as inferior to any child you would have with this guy. This will not be a family. Take the warning and get rid of him for your son’s sake and your own.

WillowCraft · 20/11/2023 23:10

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:51

Yeah rent and council tax would be included in the bill split as well but food for son and anything he needs from say Asda would be fully covered by me

Show quote history

Please stop and think. You are trying to have another baby with this man. You will have two young children fairly close in age and one of them will be treated completely differently to the other. Are you really going to split all your food and expenses depending on who eats it?

If you are going to have another baby while your son is this young then it needs to be on the basis of your children having equal treatment and being one family. Anything else is cruel.

Put your son first here and stop being so selfish. You don't need a new partner or another baby. You need to look after the child you already have. This man sounds awful.

WillowCraft · 20/11/2023 23:12

Viviennemary · 20/11/2023 22:33

I think he has got a point. You work one day a week. That just simply isnt enough to make a viable contribution to household expenses. He wants a more equal balance. He isn't prepared to be responsible for supporting you and your child.

If he's not willing to support OP then why is he trying for a baby with her? He can't have it both ways and shouldn't be moving in

Pipa42 · 20/11/2023 23:16

Ginmonkeyagain · 20/11/2023 20:42

What a dickhead. How much more does a 3 year old add to bills anyway?

This exactly, it’s not like your 3 year old is going to make much difference to the bills, do you actually realise how much you will be losing in UC?

Sceptre86 · 20/11/2023 23:18

Your child is 3. Give your head a wobble and do not conceive with this man. Work on your self esteem because your bar as to what an acceptable partner is set ridiculously low.

LaurieStrode · 20/11/2023 23:18

Please focus on your existing child, your career and your independence. Your son needs your attention, not to have his home life invaded by this begrudging man and other potential offspring.

Please think this through.

LaurieStrode · 20/11/2023 23:19

Sceptre86 · 20/11/2023 23:18

Your child is 3. Give your head a wobble and do not conceive with this man. Work on your self esteem because your bar as to what an acceptable partner is set ridiculously low.

Exactly. Don't settle for an asshole because you are having short term financial problems. Relying on a nan like this is always a massively poor choice.

Bikechic · 20/11/2023 23:22

How are you paying for everything now when you only work one day per week? Presumably you get some benefits. These will stop when your household income is multiplied by 4. he should be doing more than 50/50 if he moves in.

Starlightstarbright2 · 20/11/2023 23:28

If you stay on your own . You can get 85% of childcare costs on Uc .

you absolutely don’t Vedanta a baby with this man - how on earth will you even afford 50% of costs without Uc helping to pay the bills .

You are already struggling to work ft. Why bring a baby into this .

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