Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner not wanting to split household bills

383 replies

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

OP posts:
Casiemace35 · 23/11/2023 19:40

When me and my daughter moved in with my partner he never once said anything about money, it was taken as a given that she is provided for, anything less then he isnt the right step dad for your son. You are a package

Owl55 · 23/11/2023 21:25

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩red flag , don’t move in with him , your child will never be treated the same as your intended child with him and will cause problems in your relationship

SplasH1992 · 23/11/2023 21:27

As some one who has actually done what you are planning to do, with a man the same as the one you have described.. please, please don't do it. I have had his baby.. and he still treats my son in an unfavourable way and barely contributes to the daughter i gave him. It is NOT worth it and they DON'T change regardless of time or giving them a child.

Welcome2thecircus · 23/11/2023 21:44

Wow. I have one child from a previous relationship and I am adamant that I pay for anything he needs, his uniform, childcare, snacks, toys etc. I'm fiercely independent and I'm a high earner but household bills? The three year old is hardly using gas, electric, WiFi...

That's ridiculous. You have every right to be upset. Personally I'd be discussing it further with him and evaluating their relationship. Better you know now and can protect your son.

Daisyblue77 · 23/11/2023 22:03

Do not move it with him. Dont even continue to the ‘relationship’. Hes a user . Hes acting like hes going to be a lodger

RainbowNinja77 · 23/11/2023 22:41

Can we leave the arguing about benefits to another thread? It wasn’t what the OP asked.

Vonesk · 23/11/2023 23:40

Sorry, I would not PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE of being with a man. That's a man's job. To pay for the privilege of being with YOU. Maybe I'm old Fashioned but I ve NEVER PAID for a scenario like this!!!! W. Y. A. * Uck!!!!!!!!!!

Coffeelovermama · 24/11/2023 03:22

Goof grief so what's his plan?! He pays a third whilst you struggle to make ends meet? Then what if you have baby does it get bumped up if you get pregnant? What about when you'reon maternity pay?! This is crazy to me. Is he really this person or has he just over thought himself into a corner? It screams alarm bells. In a serious relationship (especially one where you're planning on having a baby with someone) A true partnership is always 50/50 its proportionate to what is affordable to each.

MrsMum9 · 24/11/2023 08:17

That’s so awful, poor you. Please leave this man - and be glad he said this before you moved in together. It’s a terrible way to treat someone, I’ve had similar done to me in the past when I was much younger, and NO, it’s not acceptable and any man who loves and cares for his partner wouldn’t think this let alone say it x

Wolfpa · 24/11/2023 09:09

Vonesk · 23/11/2023 23:40

Sorry, I would not PAY FOR THE PRIVILEGE of being with a man. That's a man's job. To pay for the privilege of being with YOU. Maybe I'm old Fashioned but I ve NEVER PAID for a scenario like this!!!! W. Y. A. * Uck!!!!!!!!!!

Wow, you think a lot of yourself. I bet you are not a privilege at all.

Libra24 · 24/11/2023 09:14

If he wants his "own" child but he doesn't want to "pay for yours" then what he wants is to not feel second best. He's not interested in being a family.

This man is showing that he values control and you are in his sights for being controlled.

I suggest you step back. This is who he is. He's unlikely to change. Reconsider your position

IdealisticCynic · 24/11/2023 09:16

I agree with many of the pp. Put your son first. Do not move in with this man, do not have a child with him. He has shown you how he really views your son. He will treat your son poorly and that will worsen if there is another child.

Imagine a few years down the line when he is buying more things for your joint child and not for your son? Or paying for days out for his own but not yours? Your poor son will have a miserable life.

Crafthead · 24/11/2023 10:18

In a partnership the fair thing is to have a household bills pot that both pay in the same % of their earnings then retain what's left for personal spends. Eg If he earns 100k and you earn 25k and you both pay in 30% then he would pay £1676.10 and you would pay £525.30 per month regardless of what childcare (which is a household expense much like dog or other pet costs would be; would you refuse to feed his cat?). Obvs adjust % to cover bills! Anything else isn't a partnership. The only debate is what us personal spends and what is household (phones, nursery?) And would this situation be different fir a child of the relationship?
However, to make it fair, you would need to count your maintenance in your income.

fruitbrewhaha · 24/11/2023 10:26

Just slow down OP. You can’t have been with him that long if you have a 3 year old from another relationship. Why are you in such a hurry to move in and have another baby?

I really am hoping your not already pregnant.

Sherrycat · 24/11/2023 11:14

He needs to get in the bin!

LaDamaDeElche · 24/11/2023 11:30

I’m assuming that only working one day a week you receive UC. That will change once he moves
in. When you say you don’t need his help with money, you’re going to be in a completely different position as you won’t get what you’re entitled to now. Factor into that having another child and having to do another maternity stint, unless you have a lot saved who is going to pay for your child’s share when you aren’t earning again due to bringing up the child you share with him. You really haven’t thought this through.

My DD has a step dad. He earns more and pays for more of the household expenses. I pay proportionally. The household expenses we split don’t factor in me paying extra for DD. We have a fair split between us for the family household expenditure. I pay for more stuff for DD, but he frequently splits to cost of after school activities, birthdays and Xmas presents for her and although I buy most of her clothes, he often buys bits and pieces and if she’s going out with friends gives her money etc. This isn’t something we’ve had to discuss. He just does. Same as my stepdad did for me. You situation sounds like there will be a lifetime of arguments and resentment ahead of you, as well as your child growing up feeling second best to any siblings.

StuntNun · 24/11/2023 11:40

Nice of him to get the financial abuse sorted out up front. That will save you some bother down the line. Imagine if you did have a child with him and he's still refusing to pay his share of the bills while you have no income because you're on maternity leave. This comes up time after time after time on Mumsnet where the female half of the equation can't afford to buy herself basic essentials while her other half has fancy holidays and buys expensive sports equipment. Either get out of the relationship now or lay down the law about how you and he will fairly split your financial contributions.

SuspiciousSue · 24/11/2023 12:27

When you split up (and you will) he’ll treat any kids you may have had with just as much disdain as he’s treating your son. When someone shows your their true colours, believe them.

NMOB · 24/11/2023 17:22

You should run a mile.
Definitely do not move in with him.
Being a family is about sharing your resources & funds, looking after each other & being a team.
If you have a child together you will be tied to a man who is mean & selfish with his money & who doesn’t see your son as part of his family.
I would seriously reconsider.

NMOB · 24/11/2023 17:25

.

Madamum18 · 24/11/2023 17:31

Being a family is about sharing your resources & funds, looking after each other & being a team

Exactly!

Tigermearns · 24/11/2023 19:22

He'd be gone.
You aren't actively asking him to pay for everything for your son but if he loved you, he would get that your son is always going to be a big part of your life and that he isn't just a spare piece. I wouldn't be trying for a baby or moving in with this guy... say you have a baby and then what? That kids first Xmas or bday etc, they will get spoilt rotten by your partner earning alot more money whilst your first born looks on at the unfair treatment because you would be expected to pay towards both your kids whilst he refuses to acknowledge your son as part of family

emziecy · 25/11/2023 07:55

mum1010219 · 20/11/2023 20:29

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

Please for the love of all things sacred don't move in with this massive asshole, let alone have a child with him. Get a fucking grip, take a huge step back and view the situation from a different perspective. If your best friend was in this situation what would you say to them? You, and to be honest more importantly your child deserve much better.

CrazyHedgehogLover · 25/11/2023 08:03

I can’t believe some people are trying to excuse this behaviour!! Erm no, if he’s moving in with you he pays half! If he moves in you’ll lose your right to have the help you are getting now, so yes he should be making up the shortfall!

I would seriously be reconsidering this tbh, don’t have a baby with this man! Your child will be treated unfairly and it will cause problems, he doesn’t look at your child as family, or even part of it by the sounds of it!! He got with you knowing you have a child, you’ve explained he wouldn’t need to cover any basics for the child.. he still has to pay half of the bills! Such a shitty excuse.

in other words he wants to be a cocklodger, not involve your child and uses your child as an excuse for this! Run for the hills my love, honestly.

Vevvie · 25/11/2023 08:49

Run! He doesn’t want a family home.