Partner not wanting to split household bills

[mum1010219]

Me and my and are moving in together, but I have a son from previous relationship but the issue isn't he doesn't want to pay 50/50 on the bills as he will in hindsight be paying for my child, I only work one day a week just now due to childcare and son only being 3 ( he starts funded place in the new year) so he makes nearly 4 times a month what I do, I was saying it will be joint household bills if we all live together?
Made me feel awful as we are trying for a baby of our own and felt like he will never seen my son as his step child, he treats him like one but saying that hurt...

He sounds delightful,
have you thought how will you support your son if when you are on maternity leave with the other man’s child or unable to work with 2 kids, will he expect to treat them differently then when your a family living together?
I think your setting yourself up in a difficult path

I actually find this disgusting. I would leave the relationship. At best he's a tight arse, at worst he resents your son. Your son will have a hell of a life living with this man if this is the case.

RED FLAG! Leave now, he will never accept your child and it will get worse. Please walk away from this.

Because this isn't a stepchild that only comes to stay one weekend a fortnight. This is the child's primary family. What happens when it comes to holidays? Dad pays for himself and 50% for his child, and mum has to pay for herself, 50% for one child and 100% for the other? And if mum can't afford that, what happens? Does one kid get to go but not the other? Ship him off to stay with daddy? You can not have a 2-tier system for siblings who live together. It's disgusting.

Of course there’s a point to her working; she won’t be claiming benefits 🙄 That’s the whole issue with the broken benefits system - it’s become a lifestyle choice.

Totally agree, @usernamealreadytaken

Other than dignity, independence, and not taking advantage of taxpayers.

No, no and no again. Just don’t.

Sorry but working full time as a single parent with young kids does not equal dignity, it's fucking hard. Would you say the same to a SAHM who was married?

And it's not "taking advantage" of taxpayers to claim what you are entitled to. If you're so bothered, complain to the government who makes the rules.

It is what the benefit system is there for. When her child is older she will have to work more.

No, the benefits system was designed as a stop gap for those needing support short-term, not as a lifestyle choice so they could choose to not work. She could be working now, bringing home the same money and paying towards someone else's wages, but she chooses instead to claim benefits.

Nope. Anyone with children under a certain age is not required to work at all. It's right there in black and white on the UC website. That's what the rules say, if you don't like it complain to those who set them.

*any single parent, that should say.

My partner had a 5 year old when I met him. When we moved in together it never even crossed my mind that paying half each would be unreasonable? The thought of that actually makes me abit nauseous. If I had said something, I wouldn’t have blamed him if he left me. When you date someone with a child you accept in the beginning that they are a package deal and know what you’re getting yourself into. If he’s with you, he’s also accepting to be in your child’s life. If he doesn’t want that then you should end things now before your child gets hurt, as it seems he might do down the line. Especially if you’re planning to have another child with him, your son will probably feel different and in the way given your partners attitude now.

No, no, no. Don’t do it. Major red flags already. He will not accept your son and he is quite frankly mean. Mean with money, mean with everything. Get rid!

They are supposed to be creating a family not a ruddy financial contract!! A family doesnt have second class 3 year old citizen who apparently has to be considered separately for the bills!

Oh god please don’t have a kid with this man.

Regardless of who you created your existing child with, he should love you and be kind to your child (at bare minimum). You’re not part of a transaction. If I was the SM of course I’d pay 50%.

I'm a stepmum to two and we also share a child. I've always been slightly on the fence about what I should and shouldn't pay toward his kids. For me, splitting household bills when we live together 50:50 is just what we do. I don't make him pay 70% because he has two more children. Admittedly as they've gotten older the food bill has rose significantly (teen boys who hoover up anything in sight!) So DH does buy more of their treat or snacky stuff separately from the main food shop and he pays for that himself as it just gets demolished 5 mins after the shop is put away.

But anything like the mortgage, council tax, water, gas and electricity... is paid 50:50. I just cba working out who pays for what tbh especially since we have a child together anyway.

That being said I absolutely do not expect to have to buy anything for them personally I.e. their clothes, contribute towards maintenance, uniform, school trips, games etc.. their dad and mum pay for all of that just like me and DH pay for that for our child together. I don't think it requires a 3rd person's contribution, I mean I don't get some 3rd person buying all that for our kid so I'm not about to do so either for theirs.

Obviously there are times when that's not a strict rule I.e. I may buy them the odd thing every now and then if I'm out and see something or at Christmas for example, but I'd never accept it being expected that I contribute to DH and exes kids in that way. Same with holidays tbh, DH pays more to account for the fact he has more children (who are also older and therefore more expensive as no child space like ours).

So yeah I think your partner is shitty for not just accepting bills will be 50:50. But I think anything outside of that to do with your child is for you and his dad, nursery fees, clothes, trips, uniforms etc..

"Would you say the same to a SAHM who was married?"

Yes, if they were claiming benefits.

Put your son first ! he is showing you exactly who he is and your poor son will grow up being second best too many women put their own happiness ahead of what is best for their children and they are the ones to suffer .
DO NOT have a child with this man and don't move in with him

Jesus, me and my dh have one child but I had 2 when we met, aged 3&4. When we moved in together I wasn’t working as I was pregnant and struggling. He’s paid 100% of the bills and never once asked for a penny. He treats all the kids equal, buys Xmas presents, clothes, anything they need just like he does our child. They are 15&14 now and to them he is their dad.

I work full time now and he still doesn’t ask for a penny.

Please don’t do this. As a step child, and a mother with a step father to my own kids, I think it’s really hard on the child of the original relationship of the step parent sees them as ‘other’. Me and DH chose not to have more kids together - even though he didn’t have any bio ones - as it would mean my DSs being ‘less than’ in their home family. If this is your OH’s attitude now, it will only be more pronounced after you have a baby. Prioritise your child, please x

Read this message carefully. I would also advise you read that board - then consider how you would feel having people with these attitudes be in your own child’s life.

As others have said, don’t move in with him, you will loose so much money in benefits by moving in together and if he isn’t willing to support you and your son then you’d be mad to move in with him!
You literally can’t afford to move in with him if he’s expecting you to pay more than 50% of bills plus food..

This is the reason I’m single, my daughter comes first, always… I do feel many people taking new partners compromise too much, this often causes issues with the child.

OP has a three year old. UC website says "You will be expected to work up to 30 hours a week, or spend up to 30 hours a week on work-related activities such as applying for jobs." That's the point about short term support - if you have children aged 1-2 you are not required to work. You actually proved my point...