AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

No I didn’t at all. I thought there was a large empty room that we could change in quickly and it would be sensible to use it rather than standing freezing and dripping wet. I’ve asked the question because I felt like I’d done the wrong thing and I wanted to make sure. As I’ve mentioned, I have a daughter too. You’re being rude and aggressive for no reason

OP you were fine - people are being dicks. There was nobody else there when you went in and you left asap. You’re reflecting on it now. It’s really hard having to negotiate these boundaries and sometimes we have to work it out as we go along.

It’s the female changing space. Not the female changing space and also males who need assistance. Where are you planning to draw the line if he continues to need help? When he’s 10? 12? 15?

You need to speak to the pool about their policy and complain about the lack of spaces available to your family. Using the female only space is not the answer.

It wasn't 'a large empty room', it was a female only space. You had no right to take a male in there.

No, people are not 'being dicks', they're pointing out that it's a female only space.

His sister is much more likely to be less troubled by a known male being in there, than a random woman expecting a female only space though - surely that doesn't need to be explained?

All the female changing facilities near me say over 8 years must use their own sex changing room. So on that basis he needs to use the male changing room or family change area. You’ll either need to wait or get him a dry robe to go home in if he’s unable to change himself

This is a male child who presumably also identifies as a male - there is no place for him in the female changing room. None.

Girls and women do not want your sons seeing them naked. Your sons do not have a right to be in female spaces. Get the hell over it.

I think I was very clear that the use of female facilities by disabled males was to be avoided and why it is particularly important. This is not a single point issue at all. This mother is doing the best she can in circumstances she has no training for. It is infinitely harder than you imagine to navigate these things and she is asking for help.

A simple solution would be to put a large robe over him and take him home to change.

@idontlikealdi

The leisure centre have doubled up the disabled spaces with baby change facilities.

Therefore they cannot be used by disabled people.

This needs called out. They have a duty to make their space accessible.

In all honesty she appears to be looking for justification that it's ok for her to take a male (over the age limit) into a female changing area. That's never going to be ok, no matter how hard it is for the disabled/extra support needed person, and their carer to access the type of changing they need. We don't make up for lack of accessible changing by abusing female (or male) only facilities.

Nope it looks like a woman who’s disabled son has outgrown her previous fixes and who now needs to learn a whole new set of coping strategies. It happens to a huge number of us and you are showing your privilege by the fact you seem to be totally oblivious of the issues.

You don't get to make decisions for other women, especially decisions which go against the facility policies.

I did think you were being reasonable, and I completely understand what you did. I'd probably have done it too. But having read these posts, I do see the other side from the teenage girl's perspective. Having said that, for me 9 is too young for a boy to be in a changing room by himself. I think either wait for a family change or just dry off quickly poolside/outside changing rooms and jump into the car with a onesie. Don't feel bad though, you weren't intending to upset anyone.

Nope, far from ableist/privileged.
Simply pointing out that the solution is never going to be allowing males into female changing areas.

Unfortunately, like most disabled people, I have accepted that not everywhere is accessible to me, and that is just life. If there is nowhere yo change without using the ladies,then your son cannot swim there. It is crap and it shouldn't be that way, but that is life for someone with additional needs. I have just had to leave my gym as they built a new accessible changing room that was not actually accessible, so I accept that I may be a bit salty about this.

Agree, surely its more ableist to think ‘this changing room is for girls/women and not for boys aged 9, but mine doesn’t Count because he’s not Like The Others’

Yep @TomeTome I agree with this.

My DS is a few years younger than OP’s. Reading this thread has shaken me.

I thought I had until about age 10-12 until this sort of thing would be a problem….. but nope, women are on here as enraged about a 9yo male child as they would be about a 36yo adult male.

It’s actually terrifying; my child can’t brush his teeth, wash himself, dress himself. He can’t differentiate between an adult and a child really, has zero danger awareness and can be socially inappropriate.

But people on here want me and OP to either leave our sons outside the door, wrap them up in a towel soaking wet (even though they have sensory issues), or leave them to attempt to dry/dress/manage alone which they can’t do.

What is wrong with the world.