AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

He shouldn't be in there. One way I dealt with peak family room use was to stay in the pool after class and just do our own relaxed swimming around for ten minutes. By that time, most people had finished with the rooms so we could go straight to one.

You just need to wait. The female group change is not for your son. I am the single mum of two boys, so I’m not oblivious to how hard it is. But I never took my sons into the female groups change because it isn’t for them. You were wrong.

Sadly the rights of women and girls are generally at the bottom of the pile these days

@NearlyMonday I think you'll find that's disabled people.

As your son was dressed already, then couldn't he have waited outside?

@SecondUsername4me

This is batshit.

You want a 9 year old disabled, vulnerable child to be left alone?? He likely has developmental delay and is more akin to a 6/7 year old.

Leaving him alone outside is not an option. He could wander off of his own accord or go with a stranger because he is vulnerable with no sense of danger.

Happens in my gym all the time and it drives me mad. They have unisex family changing but families don't use them. I really don't like older boys being in female spaces.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong I think you did your best with the situation.

You need to contact the leisure centre regarding the arrangements for people with disabilities and demand better.

They should have accessible changing rooms for disabled people and not double up with the baby change.

Explain to them what happened and ask how you will be accommodated.

If they still have issues there is always the accessible toilet, usually quite big as a stop gap.

But really if you are paying for the lessons and have a disabled child who can’t use the age/sex appropriate changing room due to needing a carer, then you need to ask them what they are going to do about it.

It is up to the leisure centre to make their facility accessible and not put disabled people, nor other visitors, at risk.

@Robinni

Taking him into the groups FEMALE changing is also not an option, but OP thought “to hell with women’s rights to a private space” and took him in anyway, all because she didn’t want to wait for one of the family rooms designed for his use.

@Robinni correct me if I’m wrong but nowhere has the OP said that her DS is developmentally delayed. She writes that he has autism and ADHD and other physical impairments. It’s quite a dangerous and narrow-minded belief to assume that disabled people are lacking in intellectual capacity (although, of course, sadly, many disabled people are also intellectually incapacitated). My elder DD is blind and diagnosed with autism and ADHD but she is in her GCSE year at a super-selective grammar school. I’m sorry everyone if this is taking the thread off at a tangent but my teen gets angry that everyone sees disabilities and thinks learning disabled. As always, everything is so nuanced. So clearly is getting dry after swimming! 😅

@Thedm

I realise the issue with men’s access to female changing rooms is a hot topic right now.

However, this is a disabled child, likely with sensory issues, going to kick off and be adversely affected by the delay.

As a Mum of an autistic, I know she had no other option.

This is the leisure centre’s problem to sort.

FYI at our local leisure centre it is a group change now, no male or female anymore, though they have installed semi private cubicles.

I wouldn’t be worried about a disabled child. I’m worried about the grown men.

@Robinni taking 9 year old male in a female only space was never an actual option.

Sorry, was doing the dinner/bath/bed routine and just getting a chance to come back. Thanks for the responses, that’s how I was feeling but wanted to check
just a couple of answers

• there was no one in the changing room when we went in, it was empty and we’d been waiting a while so I wasn’t expecting lots of people to come in

-i was very polite to the girl who mentioned that it said women’s on the door, I wasn’t rude and explained quickly that he needed help which was why he was in there, and that we were leaving. She got changed so I don’t think I upset her, she didn’t seem angry. I never would have taken him In there if she (or others) were in the room when. We checked. -I can’t leave him outside by himself. I can just about go to the loo by myself, but he has to keep his foot under the door so he doesn’t wander off -there’s no sign saying the age limits for children to enter the women/men’s changing room so I wasn’t sure what the cut off is

• the class is only 30 minutes long so leaving it 15 minutes early would be a waste of time for us to go.
• there were other boys brought into the room while we were in there, but not as old as my son
• there’s no radar key or anything to block off the accessible changing rooms. There are baby tables in the two rooms so they’re shared and open for all (I’ve seen individuals using them when there’s no spare single rooms)

I’ll speak to staff but don’t think there’s much they’ll be able to do. We will just have to wait and hope it’s not too long before we can get in

@ProfessorMinervaMcGonagall

There are four types of developmental delay: cognitive; sensorimotor; speech and language; and socioemotional delays.

Most autistics will have some degree of at least one of these; hence why they are diagnosed in the first place. It is a diagnosis based on deficit.

I can confirm that two of the gym chains I use state that the female changing rooms cannot be used by boys older than 7, that’s reasonable in my opinion and should be respected and observed at all times, irrespective of how busy the club/centre is.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong

I would be making an official complaint to the head of the complex regarding the inadequate situation for all.

I understand you did it with the best intentions, but you need to use a private changing room. A longer wait is something you need to consider when deciding whether to go there.
Also, how long can you take your son in the female changing area? Until he's 10? 13? 16? I know he has additional needs, but you have to consider his privacy too.

Yes you are bu, is there not a disabled locker room?

Autism is a developmental disorder, it has different impacts for different individuals with autism but developmental delays and challenges are necessary for diagnosis to be confirmed.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong it's not relevant whether someone was using it or not as you entered, it's still a female only space and should always be available as that - taking an older male child in there is never appropriate.

Nine is too old. It was inappropriate.

its a huge problem for carers who are mostly female (mums) caring for older boys and young men. The disabled toilets are often a solution but if your charge can’t be left unsupervised and can’t stand with his foot under the door (not an option in most places) then how do you change/use the toilet/change a tampon?

These things are important. They limit our lives.

A 9 year old male should not be invading the female only changing room. At our pool there is a sign saying as soon as a male child is 8 he cannot go into the female changing rooms. Young girls should not have to be embarrassed changing in front of a male. You should have waited for the group change to become vacant. People always think they are special and rules don't apply to them. They do. I'd have reported to management.

@TomeTome I agree that facilities for disabled folk, or those who need extra support, are often crazily inadequate. That still doesn't mean males (over 7/8 ish) and their carers should be using the female only spaces.

So even given the choice of not going through a female changing room with a male DC you still choose to do so rather than use the pool side room to change.