AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

@sollenwir Poorly expressed maybe. People seem to be responding as if the OP led her fully dressed son into a room full of naked females - including teenagers. She didn’t do that. It makes them sound like dicks.

9 is a bit old. Really i think from junior school on they need to go in the appropriate changing room for their sex.

@Pooooochi

So from 7-11?

Honestly, I would absolutely no way want to leave my child - disabled or not - on his own in a male changing room at this age range.

What's wrong with the world is that women won't bend to your specific needs. Keep him out of our spaces.

And just to say, as before, changing in the women’s area is not the ideal route, but I don’t think OP was in anyway wanting to upset anybody.

She just wasn’t prepared for the lack of provision for her child and in a fluster did the best she could do to cope.

The leisure centre are at fault.

YABVU and good on the teenage girl to challenge you, that can’t have been easy for her to speak up when she clearly felt uncomfortable.

It’s irrelevant if the changing room was empty when you went in. You knew full well it was a female only space but you didn’t care because it was inconvenient for you to wait for the appropriate changing facilities.

I want there to be better facilities for you and your child, and others in a similar position.
I also want female changing areas to be just that, for females (with the exception of young boys up to 7 or so).
If the first isn't happening then we all need to be complaining and letting those in charge of facilities know, so something is done, not telling females that they are going to have to accept older males in their changing area because there's nowhere else suitable.
Disabled/extra support facilities need to be distinct from basic parent and child/family, so that disabled folk/their carers are more likely to have access when it's needed.

The answer for NT boys that are too old for ladies changing room but vulnerable in male changing rooms is to request pools find a safe solution, not push girls out of their changing room.

However since this particular pool has individual changing rooms in addition to single sex spaces, it wouldn't be a problem for your sons. A lot of pools have have changing villages, nit single sex rooms.

The OP needs a properly designated disabled room, not a space anyone can use.

For future: take him to swimming already im swim shorts with dry robe on top.
Afterwards let him take wet shorts off under the robe and just take him home in it at side of pool - doesn't need to be in a changing room for that.

Can't you squeeze into individual cubicles? Ive done it with two primary DC lots. Not ideal but needs must.

Nobody is saying she did that.
People are pointing out that it's not appropriate to take a male, over the allowed age, into female changing.
People are also agreeing that leisure centres, and numerous other places, need to provide more/better accessible facilities.

@EtiennePalmiere

My child has the developmental capacity of a 5yo he is not a predatory male!!! And he is several years off puberty.

I’m sorry but faced with the same situation as OP had I would have done the same because I would not have wanted my child to suffer severe distress on account of being freezing/queuing. And I would not have been negligent and put him at risk by leaving him alone.

What I would do is make a formal complaint to the leisure centre and pursue it until an adequate resolution could be reached.

Agree.

Also no self respecting 10yo+ (disabilities aside) would be seen dead in a womans changing room. They have their own dignity to think about.

The best way forward @JustKeepSwimmingAlong Is to talk to the swimming teacher AND the leisure centre and ask them to make a reasonable adjustment. In this case I would imagine a dedicated disabled changing room would be appropriate. Don’t take him in the ladies, don’t take him home wet, and DEFINITELY don’t stop going. It’s more work as it always is with additional needs but you will find a way.

Again, stop speaking on behalf of other females.

I’d have been more sympathetic to the idea that OP was flustered and coping in an empty space if she’d left when it was no longer empty or when the girl spoke to her about it. But she didn’t, so doesn’t seem flustered or just coping if she can assert herself outstaying her son’s welcome in a space he wasn’t meant to be in in the first place. Decent people would apologise and leave at that point at least. The daughter must’ve felt awful watching that.

I'm not sure how many people on this thread are aware of the number of parents who cannot take their children swimming (or any number of other activities) because of the paucity of facilities for disabled people. They stay home. They are isolated and marginalised. The OP is clearly uncomfortable with a choice she made which felt like the best thing to do at that moment. It may not have been the correct choice but the hostility of many people on here is evidence of the lack of care for disabled people. Utter absence of compassion.

I thought I had until about age 10-12 until this sort of thing would be a problem….. but nope, women are on here as enraged about a 9yo male child as they would be

Some 9 year old boys can be physically mature enough to be quite intimidating to an unaccompanied 2 year old girl.
Truly. Its not that surprising. Children being overweight means they are attaining height earlier and hitting puberty earlier. There are 9 year old boys hitting puberty with the hormones, urges and increased muscle that brings. Don't dismiss it. Seek suitable options for disabled children.

unaccompanied 12 y o girl i mean

Where are you planning to draw the line if he continues to need help? When he’s 10? 12? 15?

This.

@Robinni nobody is suggesting any of these children are predators, but they are males and it's a female only space.

You can speak for yourself but you cannot give consent on other women’s behalf so you saying you personally don’t mind means absolutely nothing.