AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

Nobody is comparing the 9 year old to a transgender person.

Nope, this thread wasn't about trans issues....before a couple of folk made it that way.

I'm one of the same. So are one or two others. And I took the same stance on that thread that I do this.

The fundamental, truly noteworthy difference is that this OP requested people's opinions about her actions, and actually listened and reflected on them. Whilst I don't believe the teenaged girl should have been put in such an uncomfortable position in the first place, OP now agrees and has stated her intention to make a different choice in future. Far from knocking that attitude in the slighest, I say kudos to her.

Compare the male on the other thread. He wanted affirmation from females, in some quarters didn't get it, and basically thumbed his nose at the lot of us and responded in a very bellicose tone that he'd continue to do as he wants and to hell with women's discomfort.

The difference is marked, and very noticeable. Male entitlement talking (albeit that does not preclude some similar attitudes being voiced by women on this thread).

That's the sort of entitled, boundary-disrespecting behaviour I'd rather not teach my son.

I'd also like to say I empathise totally with the frustration mothers of girls must be feeling on reading some of the attitudes on this thread. (Cf. the alternative thread: MiL says I need to take better care of DH ....)

Q.E.D. 😂

SerafinasGoose
Also on both threads and hold the same view about single sex spaces.

I also entirely agree with you about kudos to the OP. Hats off to her for considering other views and perspectives on reflection.

I also agree with your observation about OP's reaction Vs the man on the other thread.

But as we can see across Mumsnet there's a lot of women out there who have low standards for men in many areas of life and think it's women and girls' job to sort out or accommodate issues that stem from male pattern behaviour.

She did

Rule of thumb is that swimming changing rooms are for boys 7 or lower. Boys over 7 need to use gender specific changing rooms.

I do understand your issues and I would approach gym manager to highlight problem.

I understand you made a spur of the moment decision that you second guessed later. Your son is getting to the age where you are going to have to find another approach though, so this might be a good time to start thinking about it. I used to spend an extra ten minutes just general swimming with my children, until demand on the change rooms had eased a bit. It made it easier to get a family room.

I have absolutely no problem with mums bringing their young sons into changing rooms.

Good for you. How about the young girls who are naked and see a boy their age walk in?

@Thedm why would their mothers strip them naked in front of anyone. I'd never do that.

If a young boy came in with his mother and went into a changing room I'd have no problem.

If a mother stripped her young daughter in front of anyone, even another woman, I'd think she needed her head testing.

What do you mean “went into a changing room?”

We’re talking about the open plan comma communal changing rooms, with no individual cubicles. Just a big room. Have you never used those? People strip naked all the time, including teens and younger girls with parents. Unless they are shh and fanny about underneath a towel trying to put on their bras and underwear. But in communal single sex changing rooms, it is totally normal for people to be undressed. That’s why they are single sex and why this boy should not be there.

@Thedm yes I've used them. Still not stripping my children naked though. If there was a young boy in there it wouldn't bother me as he'd see nothing.

If you wanna get your baps out, crack on.

Just out of curiosity what would you say to my 10yo autistic daughter who would be incredibly upset about a boy the same age being in the female changing room? Would you tell her that her feelings don't matter? That your sons feeling are far more important?

I did ask @Leah5678 but she didn't bother to answer.

I despair that their are people like you with so much disregard for women’s rights to safe and secure spaces free from men.

It isn’t about you. It isn’t about you being totally ok with your daughter being exposed to undressed pre teen and teen boys.

Women’s rights to these spaces are enshrined by law. Boys do not belong there.

@Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy

Thats also a really derogatory way to speak to a woman who is undressed in a completely acceptable location. “Get your baps out”. Jesus. I was hit by a car when I was 17 and took permanent damage, and have limited mobility in my shoulder and back. I physically cannot get changed with a towel wrapped around me or over me. I can’t do it. Getting a bra on is enough of a challenge. So my being undressed, with “my baps out” in a female only changing room is something you’re going to mock! Really? Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting way to speak to another woman.

@Thedm my comments are in no way aimed at you personally so try not to make them so.

@Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy

Luckily leisure centres have rules which are enforced when staff are made aware and we still have the law to protect us, as well as very brave people speaking up when they see it like the teenage girl in the OP was forced to do. Which help curtail inappropriate behaviour from certain mums bringing their boys into female only spaces.

You needed to wait for an appropriate changing room OP.

@Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy
They absolutely were and it was a totally inappropriate and derogatory way to speak to another woman about her body, especially when discussing a female only space designed for women to remove a swimming suit, dry off and put clothes on.

Maybe not relevant

But 8 rising 9 is year 4

Year 4 still get changed together in the classroom for PE at our school and several others I know

Maybe not everyone sees 9 year old boys as pubescent

@Theoriginalmrscillianmurphy most women in my gym changing rooms get changed with their 'baps out' as you so nicely put it because it's a ladies changing room and why the fuck should they huddle under a towel trying to contort themselves getting dry and dressed without revealing anything?

@Thedm oh behave will you. You brought up your accident and then tried to make out I was mocking you.

As if.

You're making this about you.

If you don't like young boys coming into female changing rooms, that's your opinion, I don't. My son would be completely covered up. You'd see more of him in the swimming pool.

@Floofydawg they don't.

What is it you don’t understand about a female only space? Which part of that confuses you? Boys over 8 aren’t allowed. That the age limit policy almost everywhere. Why do you think it doesn’t apply to you and your son?

It doesn’t matter how you change or how he changes, or how innocent he is or isn’t, or whether the women or girls changing are covered or aren’t covered. It is a female only space. It isn’t for him. It isn’t my opinion. It’s a protected right.