AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

@SnowflakeSparkles

People like you. Not you specifically. Have you read the thread? Have you read how many mothers of sons are gleefully saying that they do this and will continue to do so, ignoring any and all objections. Which results in “no boys in women’s spaces” because there is no simpler way to say it.

What have I been called out for? Nothing I have said is anything I’d be ashamed of seeing in the front page of a newspaper or put all over my social media. I’ve said nothing inflammatory or embarrassing or even wrong. There is literally nothing to call me out on.

Boys should not be in the female group change. This boy, despite the disabilities, should not have been in the female groups change. No other boy mentioned on this thread should be in the female group change.

There is nothing to call me out on. So grow up.

There seems to be two posters trying very hard to turn it into a thread about transgender people. I have no idea why, but it is bloody annoying.

wow, I went on the school run and came back to a trans debate. I’ve got the answers I need from the thread so probably won’t update again after this. Thanks to everyone who gave helpful or supportive replies. To those who disagreed with my actions, please understand that I’ve heard your opinions and won’t make that choice again. Lesson well and truly learned.

a few people have suggested my son might be trans or identify as female? No not at all. I’ve never asked him before so just tried to explain the concept and asked him. He says he identifies as a fish finger (Tuesday night tea) so pretty sure that’s not going to be an issue for me for a while. Daughter joined in the conversation. She wants to be a mermaid so she can swim faster

Firstly, calling someone “a transgender” is offensive. You’ve already been told to stop that. They don’t want to be called “a transgender.”

Secondly, there really is no super secret nuance here. This is a boy being taken into the female change. Boys don’t belong in the female change. The OP has been told not to take her boy into the female change. Posters popping up saying they will do as they please with their precious sons are being told that no boys belong in female change.

There is no other way to say that. Trans debate or no, this is about older boys being escorted into female changing spaces with their mums. And their mums are being told to stop it.

Give it a fucking rest now because it’s got fuck all to do with whether or not anyone believes trans women are women.

Don't worry @JustKeepSwimmingAlong nobody actually thinks your son could be trans, there's just two trans obsessed weirdos trying to turn this thread into a trans issues one (while also lambasting people who go on the 'trans threads'...the irony we are now on a 'trans thread' they created). Most normal people can see trans stuff is not relevant here.

My own is 9. Others I've seen have been similar
I'm fine with it.

These posts always go the same way, it's always going to be disagreed on

She had her answer the minute a teenage girl was upset by the presence of a male in what should have been a female only space.

Female changing rooms are not appropriate for prepubescent boys or trans identified males.

If being aware of that is "TERF" then no wonder the numbers are growing.

It might be fine with you or some other women (or they simply don’t speak up because, as we have seen, they’ll be called terfs) but it won’t be fine with any young girls changing. And they shouldn’t have to worry about it because your kid shouldn’t be in there. Just learn to respect boundaries. The girls changing room isn’t a place for your boy because he a bloody boy.

Please don't worry JustKeepSwimmingAlong many of us who disagreed with your action in the moment can tell you're a mum doing your best and we're asking to gain a range of insights.
You'd probably find many people who disagreed with your decision in the moment would be right behind you advocating for appropriate accessible changing for your son if he needed it, or supporting you pushing the swim school to put some reasonable adjustments in place if they can to facilitate changing if it's required, or offering suggestions on other ways forward.

Sometimes it's only stepping back after a situation with good intentions that we can see the broader implications of our decisions.

@Thedm as I say, I will continue as I am.
Also 'terf' wouldn't be bandied about for a boy clearly being a boy, how bizarre.
Anyway, you do what you think is best and so will I

@Sux2buthen

Have you read this thread? Two posters on here are vehemently defending their opinion that everyone saying the boy shouldn’t be there is a terf. It is literally being thrown around on here, all the women arguing that this boy (and yours) shouldn’t be there are being called terfs.

I very much hope you don’t stay in there with your boy when young girls and teen girls are trying to change. It’s despicable to force girls to be naked in front of your son. He has his own space.

Indeed. No male bodies in female spaces.

My niece struggles enough having to change for swimming lessons in a group with only other girls, she definitely wouldn’t be happy to have boys there too.

My son wouldn’t be comfortable seeing girls getting changed or them seeing him.

My repeated point on this thread is simply to ask that people please remember disabled women and mothers of disabled sons exist. We don’t want to erode anyone’s rights, we just want facilities that allow us to go where everyone else goes.

Well in the good news fishfingers don’t need to change they just are what they are.

I do love that dd wants to be a mermaid.

What a weird turn this thread took though. Fighting over if it’s about trans or not. Which it’s not as op clarified her son is a fish finger god damn it!!

I’d have been annoyed at a 9 year old boy being there and possibly would have challenged you too OP. I can’t tell from looking if a boy is ND and even if he is I’d have expected you to wait for the group changing area.

The teenage girl was right to speak up and you’ve said you won’t do it again which I hope you stick to.

But society has collectively decided that it isn't appropriate to force females to be naked in front of older male children. We've done that bit already.

What you then don't have the right to do is to unilaterally decide that because the decision on what is appropriate doesn't suit your individual needs that the collective needs of those who have an entitlement to that space don't matter. Women and girls deserve to have a comfortable, safe space where they can retain their dignity.

Disabled people and families have needs, which I appreciate. However, those needs don't overrule the entitlement to not be naked in front of men and boys on the verge of puberty.

I've read this thread the first 200 times it was posted, yes.
As I say you do what you think and so will I👍🏻

@Thedm Have you read how many mothers of sons are gleefully saying that they do this and will continue to do so, ignoring any and all objections. Which results in “no boys in women’s spaces” because there is no simpler way to say it.
I honestly don’t remember any mothers of sons gleefully saying any such thing! How many were there?

@TomeTome
Look above your post. There’s one. She’s is going to keep taking her own 9 year old into women’s changing rooms and won’t even address the point about 9 year old girls being forced to be naked in front of her son, because it suits her to have him there so the girls don’t matter.

One then?

@TomeTome

No, multiple throughout the thread and they’ve been replied to every time. But it’s 27 pages long so I’m certainly not going to go and pick them out. Maybe you should have been reading the comments instead of just saying your own piece.

I think there was a good 3/4 mums who said it and I haven’t read every page. One a mum to a 10 year old one a 9 year old and a few who didn’t mention ages I don’t think.

I was apologies I thought you had read something I hadn’t. I confess I skimmed the terf/trans tedium as I’m more interested in supporting the OP

Wtf? Do you realise how many users MN has? Maybe...it wasn't the same posters on the thread two weeks ago 🤔

Stop deciding what other people's motives are.

Why are people still having a go at the OP, when she’s said clearly, several times, that she won’t take her DS into the women’s changing rooms? There’s no need to continue going on at her about it!

I’m a mum to 2 DDs of 14 and 11 and I agree that she was unreasonable to take her DS in there, though I understand why she did it.