AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

Everyone should budge up for disabled people, but this isn’t a good solution for OP and her family or the other users.

It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I’m relaxed about being seen naked, unless it’s someone perving, but you have to consider those who feel differently.

Time to get rid of outmoded group changing rooms. My local pool only has individual cubicles and parent and child rooms, which seems ideal to me.

@TomeTome
Im not the arumchair expert. My 12 year old is autistic. I have mentioned this on other threads. I’m not sitting here with no personal experience of having to do this stuff. But I didn’t feel it relevant to say because it doesn’t matter if I’ve managed to do this myself or if I haven’t. The solution is never to use female only spaces. Never.

A is actually choosing that females and their rights don't matter, and isn't acceptable - you don't get to 'choose' to ignore that it's a female space.
That leaves you with B, and potentially other options.

Budging up doesn't involve allowing males in female only spaces.

No, we shouldn’t. I’ll fight tooth and nail alongside them to ensure they are provided with facilities to fit their needs, and that includes facilities which can be used when their helper is the opposite sex. But I will never “budge up” from a female only space when they want to bring males in. No.

@Thedm this is the first time my son has had lessons at this time, he’s just moved into the class. Daughter has had her class this time for a while, but she finishes earlier and we can squeeze into an individual because she’s younger. Sons lessons started this week and it was much busier later which I wasn’t expecting as I don’t usually stay late. So I had to make a quick decision

for those saying I did it because I didn’t want to stand wet, no I did it because DS has SPD as part of his autism and struggles with dripping. We have a wearable towel that usually means we can manage, but it wouldn’t work if we were stood waiting for long periods of time and would trigger a melt down. Obviously I didn’t use the room because I was too lazy to wait or don’t care about other people. I was doing the best I could in difficult circumstances. I think a lot of people are judging my actions without understanding how autistic children can behave.

And before anyone jumps on me, I’m not trying to defend what I did, rather to explain the thought process behind my decision making. And again, I won’t use these rooms again. I am female, I’m raising a daughter, I would never want to make anyone feel uncomfortable because of my actions. I won’t do it again

Women don't have to budge up for anybody.

What about disabled women? We have to budge up for able bodied women and every other bugger.

Nothing wrong with this tbh they're kids and sending them into the men's room alone would be VERY dangerous don't let anyone convince you otherwise.
I remember going swimming with my dad and changing in the men's till I was about 10

It's a little boy not a grown man why are people on this thread acting as if he's a pervert 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Heresapickle quite. I’m thinking of my teen daughter in this scenario as she is blind and also has autism and ADHD.

His intentions, or those of any older boys, teen or grown man having nothing to do with it. He is a male. He is excluded from female only spaces. Regardless of size, development, interest in females or otherwise. A nine year old is not a little kid. He goes into the men’s and if he can’t then he needs to wait for the family change and, again, if he can’t wait then they need to speak to staff to get priority access or use the disabled toilets.

It isn’t just about adult woman. Remember being 9/10 years old? If you were naked in an groups change and a 9/10 year old boy from you class walked in, how would you feel? It is despicable behaviour to expect young girls to be naked in front of their peers, and to expect adult women to be comfortably changing in front of young boys. It is also pretty despicable to expect the boys themselves to be happy being naked in front of women and girls. They deserve dignity too.

It's ok as a woman to feel uncomfortable?

Sometimes it does though I would say either the male or female space could have been made available to this family and the able of either sex could have waited. Inclusion always has a cost. It’s not about tolerating it’s about embracing, that’s the critical difference between integration and inclusion. In the uk we try to be inclusive, we want our disabled community to be part of the community. To do that sometimes we have to be inconvenienced. I would have liked that young girl to have waited for the less able. I’m glad she could ask, and I don’t think OP should use the female changing room as she did but I do think she should have carried on.

@JustKeepSwimmingAlong
Well, I do hope your daughter never ends up being that teenage girl who has to change in front of a very much grown boy, and whose mother simply shrugs and carries on.

There are plenty other options for you, and I do hope you sort them out and never view this as a last option in case of emergency.

Those of you questioning why this isn’t a good idea need to think about just how dangerous this situation is for OPs son.

9 is a child and I would not be sending my 9 year old jnto the men's changing room alone. About 40% of pedos are also homosexual * and my son's safety is more important than your rules 🤷🏻‍♀️

• Not to sound homophobic before someone with zero reading comprehension accuses me of it. 40% of pedos being homosexual does not mean 40% of homosexuals are pedos.

Absolutely nothing dangerous about waiting for the family change, using the disabled toilets or speaking to staff to skip the queue.

Also nothing dangerous about putting an override dry robe on him, slipping off his wet shorts and drying down all the drips whilst standing in the queue. He’d be dry, completely covered and then just have to wait to get dressed. That’s what I always did to avoid the issue of water sensitivity on my son’s skin. He was in no danger, his dignity was maintained, and I didn’t invade a female only space.

At what age will you?

Other women and girls shouldn't have to put up with boys in their sex segregated spaces because of your problem with this. You need to find a solution that doesn't expect this of women and girls.

The risk of a woman feeling uncomfortable because of a nine year old boy being in the women changing room is nothing compared to what could happen to a nine year old boy being in the men's changing room alone

@Leah5678
They’re the rules of every leisure centre, actually. If you don’t like them then don’t go or use a family changing room, an individual changing room or the toilets if they don’t have those. Don’t bring your son into an open plan female only changing room.

I don't understand these types of comments. There are (presumably) thousands of MN users - so unless it's the exact same posters posting conflicting opinions on different threads - how does the "keep it consistent" comment even make sense? Surely it's just different people posting who may have different views to those who posted on the other thread?

Also, there's an important difference anyway between the two scenarios - the Dad in the first scenario is presumably not removing his clothes in the toilet.

I went into the men's changing room with my dad till I was about 10. The rules aren't r strictly enforced. So yeah I'll continue to enjoy my family swimming days 😊