AIBU to take my son into the female changing room?

[JustKeepSwimmingAlong]

I’ve taken my kids swimming tonight, both have separate swimming lessons and I swam with one while the other had theirs. Eldest is male, 9 and has multiple additional needs including ADHD, ASD and some physical disabilities which means he struggles to change himself. Youngest is in nursery so can dress herself but does need supervision. We got out the pool and realised all the changing rooms were full. There were 8 classes on over multiple pools, as well as general swim on at the same time. There’s only two family/accessible changing rooms and the others are all individual. There were literal queues for the large changing rooms.
I then noticed people going out of the group change. I’ve not used it before, but there was a male and a female changing room, so we went in the females. There was no one in it so started laying out the kids clothes and getting them to shower. Got them out the showers and started to get them dressed and people started coming in. There were a couple of mums with young girls and boys, and then a teenager looking girl came in by herself. She immediately came over to tell me that we were in the female room. I explained my son needed help getting changed and the changing rooms were full, but this room had been empty so we’d used it rather than standing wet and cold waiting for a changing room.
We were nearly Finished and my son was fully dressed when she arrived. He sat next to me, facing the wall and we left within a few minutes. During this time, she did get changed, so we didn’t delay her. Now I’m wondering if I was unreasonable?
I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable, but I really don’t know what else I could have done in the situation? There’s too many classes and too few changing rooms, and we need a larger/accessible one, but they’re the only ones with baby change so they’re really
Popular. The lessons are every week so now I’m wondering what I can do next week? Would I be unreasonable to keep using the group change if there are no other options available?

That's a really good look, bragging about your selfish disregard for other women and girls whose space it is. Also OP didn't even attempt to use the individual cubicles that apparently didn't have a queue. Neither did she attempt to explain the situation and ask to be permitted to jump the queue given her son's special needs.

@GrumpyPanda No one is bringing a man into a woman’s space. We are talking about children, and the expectation that someone put their child at risk of abuse or even death on the off chance that someone might not like it. Until there are more family friendly spaces you can actually access women will be bringing little boys into the women’s change rooms.

I really hope no one reads some of these ridiculous comments and actually feels they have to send young kids into men’s change rooms. If you feel so strongly about it, send your kids in on their own, but don’t expect others to put their kids at risk.

Why do people keep saying "young kids' or 'small child'? That is how I would describe my 4 year old. 8, 9, 10 is an older child, not a teen but a big kid.

No one has said small children shouldn't go with their parents. They are just disagreeing what constitutes a small child. Some 10yo boys are taller than their mothers. Some are still quite small. You can't generalise.

Public toilets... well it depends on the location. Family orientated places are different to more remote, dingier locations.

All these mothers apparently teaching their sons to trample over the boundaries of women and girls isn’t exactly a shock to me, but it’s fucking depressing.

I’m middle aged and wouldn’t share a changing area with a 10 year old boy. If my teenage niece was in the situation I’d raise hell.

Disabled boys need to learn appropriate behaviour around the opposite sex too, and parents who don’t do this are setting their sons up for trouble later. Even if they don’t care about the impact on girls.

I mean my older one was a 'small' child when he insisted on the men's. He was 6, and in age 4-5 clothing. I think he had seen a girl in his class from the year above as he was suddenly embarrassed and not wanting to use the women's anymore. 9 year olds aren't small children.

I think what you did was just about ok but was very much on the boundary of ok-ness. As pp said it would have been better to send DS to stand outside the door as soon as he's dressed rather than him sitting in there.

For future occasions as your DS gets older you will need a different plan. Does he need help with every stage of getting dressed or are there some stages he can do himself? Think through a plan for how you can manage with you and the littlest in one individual cubicle and him in the next door cubicle - could you make it work? Could you buy dryrobes for each of you so that you aren't standing around wet and cold during the bits where you can't be actively changing? Then you could focus on one child at a time? Or even go home in dryrobes and change there?

I find it really sad the amount of parents who say “he doesn’t understand/care” as a reason for continuing to use the female facilties. Even if the child doesn’t have the capacity to understand they still have the right to dignity and privacy. DS is 14 and would get changed anywhere but my job is to teach him the correct boundaries and to make sure his privacy and dignity is protected.

sadly many disabled people because of their lack of understanding find themselves in a very vulnerable position which is why it’s important that they are raised with those caring for them enforcing strong boundaries and reinforcing the importance of privacy and dignity for everyone. They may not ever fully understand but that doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be done.

lack of facilities for people with disabilities is a massive problem, but just using the female facilities as the default won’t change that. If somewhere doesn’t have suitable provisions then we need to be complaining and voting with our feet not trampling on the boundaries of people while ignoring the issue. Businesses won’t change if they don’t feel a need too and aren’t impacted by the problem.

In this scenario in the past I have put each child in adjacent individual cubicles and flitted between the two. It’s not ideal but we have a proper wash at home so it’s just get joggers and a jumper on and leave.

Generally the rule is 8 and under not just toddler.

Males are not allowed in female only spaces, unless they are under around 8 years old. There is no alternative way of interpreting this which doesn't diminish the right of females to single sex spaces.

You can’t just go and use the facilities of the opposite sex because it is empty at that one moment in time. You refer to waiting for the appropriate changing spaces so it sounds like overall it was busy and somebody was bound to come along. You have been told by a majority of posters that your convenience does not trump the legitimate needs f everybody else and yet you still think you were not in the wrong. A teenage girl has more sense than you well done to her for standing up to people like you.

How about you take him into the mens? if the men complain then management may do something. Those if you that think it is ok to take a young male into a woman's space, why not the OP taking him into the mens.

Your son is far too old to go in the female changing rooms. YABU to avail yourself of that room just because it was empty, someone was bound to come in.
Just be organised and queue for a few minutes or get a dry robe. You can’t go swimming without getting wet and cold. Your inconvenience doesn’t mean you should break other people’s boundaries. I understand it can be hard and that you still see your son as a little boy, but other people won’t see him that way.

@Muchof if you read what I’ve said, I’ve acknowledged that I wasn’t sure I’d done the right thing and won’t be doing it again? I was in a difficult position and had to make a quick decision and immediately recognised that it might not have been the right one and have asked for advice?
and while the majority definitely say that I shouldn’t have done it or do it again, a lot of people are saying they would too, so I don’t think I’m a complete idiot for not being sure in the circumstances. Apparently there’s an unwritten rule that means it would have been fine two months ago when he was 8, but isn’t now he’s 9. Lesson learned, won’t do it again

Hahaha! If you knew what my profession is, you’d piss yourself at your ridiculous comment! 🤣 🙄 🤣

because the male is a special needs child not some pubescent male looking at her.

You’re not an idiot you were put in a difficult situation.

Any male, special needs or not, will never have more right to access a female only space than an actual female does.

because the male is a special needs child not some pubescent male looking at her.

That still doesn't trump a woman's right to change in privacy.

Of courses she's not 'an idiot' but hopefully she'll also realise how unacceptable her actions really were.

(Although she's still trying to justify it, or so it seems anyway).

So a 2 year old boy needs to be left outside whilst the mum goes in to get dressed? 😳what about protection of children? You do realise it’s not a black and white issue. Again.

Oh for goodness sake. Look, I probably wouldn’t love him being in there but I’ve got a brain and realisation that in real life these things have to happen sometimes. Sorry but a child’s safety will always come first. I find it ridiculous that there are grown women fighting this. Grown women.

Under 8's are normally allowed in female spaces, as an exception, and most females using facilities are aware of this.
This child was older than that, and there has to be an age limit.

you may not have noticed before but very few people take an eight year old boy into the female changing rooms. it's usually the absolutely absolutely oldest that would be acceptable. You don't actually see many 8-year-old boys in there do you? that's because most people don't do it by then. so yes it was barely acceptable two months ago and now it isn't.